The End of an Era

It's September 4, 2003. A Thursday. I'm 49 years old.

For this middle-aged Texas guy, it just couldn't get any worse. I've lost the things that are important to me. Oh, I still have my car. Still have my apartment and all the "stuff" in it.

But I've lost Hayden's respect. I've lost almost all my friends. Most significant to me, I've lost myself. What possible reason can I find to continue in this life? I don't have the nerve to kill myself and, besides, I couldn't do that to my mother. It might kill her. I can't even seem to get drunk the last few days, no matter how much I drink. It can't get any worse than this. But it can't ever get any better. I'm lost. I'm at my wits end.

I'll go to another AA meeting. They start at noon. Not sure why I keep going. I'm one of those people who seem to be constitutionally incapapble of "getting it." I can't keep drinking. But I can't stop either.

The following is pasted from a piece I originally wrote January 9, 2005.
Check the archives if you wish.

I am at an AA meeting, near the end of the meeting, 1:00pm.

All I had to do, at that time, was ask. And it happened. It was the single most incredible moment of my lifetime. It lasted no more than 1 second, probably not that long. There are not sufficient words in my vocabulary to describe what happened, but I liken it to a bolt of thunder from above. My body jolted, my mind was clear. I knew, I absolutely knew, at that moment in time, that I would never have to feel this way again. I knew that I would never need or crave or obsess about alcohol again. It was gone - totally and completely. My life changed in that moment, forever. I became a different person at that moment. God (as I understand Him) entered my life, healed my illness and I knew that as long as I kept God (as I understand Him) in my life, that He would forever keep that illness at bay. I was no longer spiritually bankrupt.
This was my spiritual awakening. My first meeting with God.

I drank alcoholically for over 32 years. This was it. The end of an era.