Staying Fit

There.  It's fixed.

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

that I realized only yesterday that I experienced major behavioral changes after I had completed my 9th step.  In addition, as I learn more about the 10th step and keep it in practice, I automatically monitor my own behavior and keep those changes in place.

for faith and hope, without which I have ...  fear

for the ease with which I seem to make friends in my recovery world.  That never rarely happened in my drinking life.

that it no longer matters which side of the bed I wake up on.  What matters is what I do when I get out of bed.

The best way to gain self-confidence
is to do what you are afraid to do.

- Anonymous

Step 10

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

that my sponsees teach me so much.  A discussion from yesterday included ...

"This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along.  We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past.  We have entered the world of the Spirit.  Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness.  This is not an overnight matter.  It should continue for our lifetime.  Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.  When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them."

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition, page 84

I rarely ask God (or my HP) to remove them.  At this point in my recovery, I have become aware when these crop up, but I deal with them and just move on.  More work for me.

An ant on the move does more than a dozing ox.

- Lao Tzu

Continued to take personal inventory ...

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

that I need to just give up and give it all away!

for time spent working the steps with others.  With my "sponsees" we read from both the Big Book and the 12/12.  As we progress through each paragraph, either or both of us can interject anything we feel the need to add or talk about.  I find this immensely satisfying and I hope that the other person gets as much from it as I do.  The more I can share about my life expeiriences with whatever step we are discussing, the more aware of myself I become.  Amazing stuff. 

that I live in one of the largest cities in the USA but only drive about 500 miles each month

Simply do your best, and you will avoid
self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
- don Miguel Angel Ruiz

Back to work

todAAy i Am grAAteful & thAAnkful

to have played a small part in a wildly successful and entertaining fundraiser for our Houston Roundup (AA convention)

for the following excerpt from Alcoholics Anonymous (the book) ...
"Selfishness -- self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate."

I have attended four meetings in the past week where this paragraph was introduced as a topic of discussion. Coincidence? I think not.

I had better stay on top of my game and really, really work on Step 10.

that my days as a manipulator are fewer and farther between than they used to be



Do what you feel in your heart to be right -
for you'll be criticized anyway.
You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Changing

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

for all of the things I no longer participate in

for the aging process; it's amazing how one's priorities change just by adding some chronology

for the significance of perseverance; this came up in a discussion regarding Step 10. Speaking of Step 10, I am much better about not continuing to take your inventory and then pointing it out to you. Still happens occasionally though.

that we may get some nice rainfall this weekend from Don, the Tropical Storm


Wherever there is a human being,
there is an opportunity for a kindness.
- Seneca

Over and over again

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

for a Step 10 meeting in AlAnon last night -- I can't seem to get away from this step, and that's a good thing!

that I'll never have to be a teenager again

that terror, bewilderment, frustration and depair are rarely part of my daily life (well, maybe frustration is)


We cannot choose our external circumstances,
but we can always choose how to respond to them.
- Epictetus

Perfection? I don't think so.

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

I can't be perfect ..... but today, I WILL CAN be excellent.

for restraint of tongue and pen (and keyboard)

for fewer emotional hangovers than I used to have, but yes, I still have them

to know I have absolutely no skill whatsoever in differentiating justified from unjustified anger


Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.
- Voltaire

about relapsing

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

that I have not relapsed since I first got sober (yet)

I can't help but wonder about some of my recovery friends who still go to bars and then relapse. What part of "stay away from the bars" don't you understand? That's what I want to ask them, but the few times I have done so, people seem to be offended. hmmmmmmm...

Looking at my own behavior and my motives behind that behavior is possibly the most important part of my recovery. I have to do it continuously. I think this is called Step 10.



The ego lives by comparisons...
The ego cannot survive without judgment.
- A Course in Miracles

Continued to take personal inventory ...

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

for this writing from Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 90.

"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about 'justifiable' anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? Can't we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it."

I was reading this with a sponsee yesterday and realized that I had better take a look at myself and my relationship with my partner. I've been a little angry and resentful with him this week. And I haven't been practicing what I preach.
Shit.


The only thing necessary for evil to triumph
is for enough good men to do nothing.
- Edmund Burke

Wisdom comes in many forms

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

for awareness (this seems to be the single-most important aspect of recovery)

for the principle behind step 10 -- perseverance!

that I'll never be a politician; I am committed to being an honest person

that I'm a rule follower even when I don't agree with the rule

for awareness, and then some


Security is mostly a superstition.
It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.
Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.
Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
- Helen Keller

Today, ...

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

for the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. They are commonly called a design for living, and I totally agree with that.

for Step 3 -- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. This step plays a constant part in my every day life (usually). It automatically releases me of the heavy burden of controlling and running the world about me. All I have to do is participate.

for Step 10 -- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Practicing this concept allows me to monitro my behavior throughout the day. I dislike needing to make amends and this step helps me to prevent my instinctively bad behavior.

that I'm gonna have a nice weekend and hope you do too!



If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six hours sharpening my ax.
- Abraham Lincoln

The program.

There. It's fixed.

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

for a lovely Monday. I had no plans and thus, no disappointments.

for Step 10 -- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. It works (when I work it).

for the power of sharing. It's even more powerful than keeping my garbage to myself.

that I've been so fortunate to visit and work in so many countries.


We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
- Charles R. Swindoll

Behavior.

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

that I have much better behavior outwardly than I used to. My mind still "goes there" at times, but I don't usually behave too badly.

that I no longer spend any energy trying to find excuses for my bad behavior

for a new insight to doing a daily 10th step -- "Did my self-will cause me or another person difficulty today?"

for some progress and never perfection



If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.
- Chinese Proverb

Merry Christmas, Adam & Eve

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

for the specialness that is today and tomorrow

that my sobriety has zero tolerance, but my compassion has much (well, it's getting better)

for the little things in life

for Step 10 -- some of my favorite reading is about this step, especially ...
... love and tolerance of others is our code
... continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear
... we have ceased fighting anything or anyone
... alcohol is a subtle foe
... our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness


Every thought we think is creating our future.
- Louise L. Hay

Taking my own inventory

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

for these excerpts from Step 10 (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions) ...

... when a drunk has a terrific hangover because he drank heavily yesterday, he cannot live well today. But there is another kind of hangover which we all experience. That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday's and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotion -- anger, fear, jealousy, and the like.

... Our inventory enables us to settle with the past.

... It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.

... We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.

... Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. It mattered little whether our resentments were justified or not.

... Nor were we ever skillful in separating justified from unjustified anger. As we saw it, our wrath was always justified.

Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.
- Marianne Williamson

staying current

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

for Step 10

for the little, but noticeable, changes occurring during my 8th year of recovery

for the preparations I'm making for a fundraiser this weekend. It's a local version of the old TV show, Let's Make a Deal. I am playing the host.

for my mother -- she taught me so much without really trying. She's been on my mind a lot lately and I miss her. She died back in August 2008 from the effects of a major stroke. I was able to be with her during her last 3 years on Earth as her health gradually declined.
A few of you guys travelled this part of my journey with me and for that, I am grateful too.
If you still have your parents, cherish them if you can. There won't be another chance.


Do you want to know who you are? Don't ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you.
- Thomas Jefferson

flooded

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

that I know my motives are good in the things I do. I often question myself and make instant corrections to my behavior when I see myself doing something for the wrong reason(s). Is this Step 10? I think so.

that my colonoscopy went well/without a hitch yesterday. Everything came out just fine.

for the professionalism of the medical personnel who dealt with me; they could not have been more caring and kind; in turn, I flooded them with my stupid humor. They seem to have lived through it.


There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Step Ten "Continued to take personal inventory ...

and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

The first of the maintenance steps. I work at this constantly. At least I do when I'm spiritually fit.

The literature on this step is astounding. The 12/12 tells me that "it is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us." Noooooooooo!!
It says that "justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it." But, but ...
I learn about "restraint of tongue and pen." Whoa!! Who knew?

Along with the occasional sincere attempt to become what I could be, I pray every day to just do the next right thing. The way I figure it, if I always do the next right thing, I'll be the best person I can be. Right?

In theory this should work. But I am an alcoholic with a self-will that can run riot at times. Granted, it's not as often and usually not as severe as the good old days, but the potential is still there. It still happens.

Enter. Step 10.
Every day.
Every hour.
Constantly.


todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

for my passion about recovery and so many ways to participate in it

that my friend Lloyd was not seriously injured when a driver fell asleep and hit him head-on

for air bags

that I got up at 3:30 this morning, so I could pray & meditate, write this post and go to the gym before my 6:30 meeting

that my Astros are finally starting to pull out of a 2-month skid

for reruns of Seinfeld, Two and a Half Men and Cheers.

the greatest sporting event in the world begins today in South Africa. See the official song below.

If you really do put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.
~~ unknown

Step Nine "Made direct amends ...

to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

My sponsor (bless his heart) crossed off most of the people on my Step 8 list. He left me with just 3 people to whom I needed to make a direct amends. These were both of my parents and my life-partner. Two would have to be in writing and the amends to my mom would be fact-to-face. As I said, yesterday, I was ready.

He (my sponsor) insisted that he see my written amends before I sent them in case they needed some editing. They did. He reminded me to keep it simple and to the point.

We talked about what I would say to mom. As it turned out, I had a lifetime of neglect and short-tempered outbursts to make amends for. The best I could offer her would be as a living amends to change those behaviors. But I still had to ask her how I could make things right. What would be her suggestions?

When all was said and done, the results were magnificent. My amends were well received by those I loved. Now, a few years down the road, this step changed my life. And made the lives better for those I loved. I was able to be the primary caretaker for my mother during her last 3 years on this planet as she slowly died from a major stroke. I was her attentive son, at her eside when I could be. I never missed seeing her because I was sitting an a bar - drunk.
I am still with my partner. His request to me to not treat him abusively any more is always on my mind. Sometimes, I relapse to my old ways, but those times are a little less each year. I have Step 10 at my disposal when necessary. Next week, we celebrate our 8th year together.

I love Step 9 (in case you couldn't tell).



todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

for commitment to my recovery design for living

that my friend Marcos shared his story of experience, strength and hope yesterday

that I had the honor to listen to another fifth step yesterday; I'll get to hear another one next week, I think


Then give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you.
- Madeline Bridges

Step Eight "Made a list ...

of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

Making the list was easy. I just referred to my fourth step and thought a little harder and maybe added a couple of more names. Many people have businesses and institutions to put on their list, but this was not my experience.

Becoming willing to make amends. Well, first my sponsor made sure that I knew the AA definition of amends. He said it was not an apology. Had nothing to do with apologizing. He said I'd probably done that enough times already during my lifetime. No. He said an amends is (1) making right a wrong (2) an assurance that I will change my future behavior.

Well, that would make for quite a challenge. But I was supposed to become willing to do this thing. Was I ready to go to any lengths to stay sober? Yep.
Before long, I was ready.


todAay i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

that I continue to attempt to live up to the amends I made to my partner. I relapse into old behavior at times and I'm always quickly aware of it. Thank God for Step 10.

that I'll probably never know of some of the people to whom I could have made an amends to

that the Peruvian authorites have Joran van der Sloot in custody and I really hope he never sees the light of day again (I rarely comment on news issues here, but this guy is a real monster)


You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.
- Chinese Proverb