Scott Rocks

Today, I am both humbled and mystified.

My best friend in sobriety, Scott, blogs as well. His blog today, titled HEALTHY SELFISHNESS, went inside my brain (what's left of it) and turned it inside out. He dusted it off, scraped off the bad parts, blew away the unused bits and then gently put it all back together.

I know he won't take credit for the piece he wrote and does give credit where credit is due (for his blog). But sometimes, timing is everything. And his timing today could not have been more poignant. Please click on his link, Attitude of Gratitude, to see what I'm talking about.

Thanks, Scott.

I told you so (but don't believe me!)

I have long known that it is not wise to believe anything I hear coming from the news media.

In a weak moment this morning, I was channel surfing the news. Why, oh why do I do this to myself?

ABC NEWS reported that a gentleman in Oklahoma had built a snowman/ice sculpture which resembled Shrek II, complete with spray paint. This wonderful sculpture was said to be nine-feet tall.

I flipped over to NBC NEWS and they were reporting the same story. But NBC had it at only eight-feet tall.

If these so-called "professional journalists" (highly paid as they are) cannot even get this simple fact straight which requires no more than an accurate tape-measure, how can anything else they report be taken seriously?

They had no insurgents firing at them or politicians needling them to slant the story their way. It makes me think that Jon Stewart (Comedy Channel) is the most reliable news source remaining.

Blast from the Past

She went to our church when I was growing up. She was my 12th grade English teacher. She was always a neat lady who wore her hair in a bun.

I have not seen Mary-Lois Barden in 32 years as my life took me in other directions. My mom was still friends through the years, however.

Today she was 90 years old.

And her kids threw her a birthday party. At the same old church where I had not been since 1972. My mom asked me to make an appearance with her at the party, so I said, "Sure." I am soooo glad I did. It was surreal being back at that church. I used to spend a whole lot of time there. Nothing has changed. I fully expected to meet a frail and wrinkled Ms Barden, After all, she's 90! SHE HAS NOT CHANGED EITHER!!! I swear to God (as I understand Him) that she looks the same as three decades ago. Moves a little slower, but the face, the voice, the smile were still the same. Her family (over 35 of them in attendance) had laid out pictures taken of her throughout her life, dating back to 1915.

There were more than 100 friends who came by to celebrate with her. I told my mom that it almost seemed like a funeral for a healthy person. It made me think that when I die, there will only be a fraction of that number to see me off. I don't know that many people.

Preparation

I opened the door and sat down. Next, the key was inserted and then turned clockwise. I actually could hear the engine start and that's when I released the key. There would be several additional steps before the automobile was ready to drive.

The London Taxi

Living in Houston, you gotta have a car. Oh, we have public transport, but Houston is so spread out that if one needs to get across town by bus, it could take a couple of hours. Most people here have a car, or two or three.

When I drank booze, I would sometimes take a taxi or just walk if it wasn't too far.

When I lived in London though, taxis were "the thing."

The London taxi or Black Cab as they are affectionately known, is a most unique form of transport. There is a history. They are adequately comfortable and roomy with inside space for some luggage. I loved using the taxis to get around if I wasn't taking the "tube", or London Underground. London is not well laid-out, as far as the street patterns ar concerned. One street becomes another with no warning, there are short streets, mews, that may be only 50 yards long but have many addresses. To get from "A" to "B" may require 10, 15 or 20 turns. As well as I know the city, I never drove there and never wanted to. The London taxi driver has"the knowledge." That's what it's called. Without the knowledge, a driver cannot get licensed to drive a London taxi. It can take years of waiting, studying and practice to pass the exams. The drivers are professional, courteous and can chat up a storm if you let them. If you're quiet, they can be quiet too.

In recent years, they began selling advertising space on the cars. I know that business is business but it somehow takes away from the charm of the Black Cab.

I never had a bad experience in a London taxi. And they always knew the way from A to B. Well, almost always.

Really Anonymous

From 1981 through 2002 I frequented the gay baths. Twenty-two years of anonymous sex. In 12 countries. Without going into details (many of which i will never recall) of the things I did in those places, here is where I did them. I've included the names where I can remember them.

Houston,Texas Club Houston (old & new), Midtown Spa

Dallas, Texas Club Dallas

Austin, Texas Club Austin

New Orleans, Louisiana Club New Orleans

Tampa, Florida Club Tampa

Chicago, Illinois Steamworks

Montreal, Canada Sauna Centre-Ville

Toronto, Canada St. Marc Sauna, Club Toronto, The Cellar

Rio de Janeiro, Brasil Termas Ipanema, Termas Novo Leblon

Dublin, Ireland Incognito

London, England Pleasuredrome, Chariots II, Star Steam

Edinburgh, Scotland Townhouse Spa

Antwerp, Belgium Kouros

Brussel, Belgium Macho 2

Copenhagan, Denmark Sauna Club Amigo

Frankfurt, Germany Club Concorde

Berlin, Germany Apollo City Sauna, Steam Sauna Club

Cologne, Germany Phoenix Sauna

Munich, Germany City Sauna

Amsterdam, Netherlands Thermos Day, Thermos Night

Barcelona, Spain Thermos, Padua

Las Palmas, Spain Bronx Health Club

Capetown, S. Africa Hothouse

My Own Personal Angel

I had been drinking alcoholically for 31 years. Like a 3-decade binge. It was part of me; it defined me as a person. I am also obsessive-compulsive. I am also a loner, independent, self-reliant. Also very successful at work.

With that background, here's what happened.

I was sent to Trinidad & Tobago to work on a project in 2002. Small country in the far-southeastern Caribbean, close to Venezuela. I had been there once before in 1989 for 2 months and loved it. I'd always wanted to return. Now I did.

The first night there, I went to my favourite bar, The Pelican Pub. Before I left that night, I had met a wonderful guy. We seemed to connect and ended up sleeping together. He moved in with me from that night (into my hotel room). I was in T&T for only 2 weeks but somehow fell in love with him in that short period of time. I had NEVER felt this way before.

I had to leave T&T for a week, but returned for 2 more weeks. He moved in with me again as soon as I got back. The relationship flourished, as much as one can in a short time span.

Soon, I had to go to Morocco for work. A month later, I came to Houston and flew "him" to Houston to meet me. I could only stay for 2 weeks but "he" (Hayden) stayed behind, living in my home. During our short time together, Hayden mentioned several times that I needed to do something about my drinking. He told me about watching his uncle die of this disease and he could not stand to watch me do the same. I sluffed it off, paid him little attention. Didn't he know who I am? I'm an alcoholic, I drink! That's what I do. Get over it.

I left the country again for work. I came back after getting laid off a few months later. So now I could really drink. Soon, within 3 months, my drinking was getting out of control. So was my verbal abuse. Towards the only guy I'd ever fallen in love with. And I could not stop either from happening. Not that I didn't try. I tried stopping drinking; that lasted almost a whole day. I tried modifying my drinking. That lasted a few days. Three more months passed and I was drinking up to 18 hours a day and crying most of those hours because Hayden didn't want to be around me. The more I ran him away, the more I drank.

Finally, he said he was going to tell my mother to have me hospitalized. I begged him not to get her involved. She has enough on her 81 year-old plate. So we made a deal - that I would go to an AA meeting.

I did. And I enjoyed it. I had NO intention of stopping drinking, but did enjoy the meetings. It was a gay recovery center and I met many others who had the same problems I did, but they were sober.

For 3 more months, I continued the meetings, going to the bar after my daily AA meeting and drinking to oblivion. Things got worse at home. He left me. I cried and I cried. I cried by myself at home, at my bar, at AA meetings. I just didn't want to stop drinking. I had a fear of stopping.

August 31, 2002 -- Sunday afternoon -- at my apartment complex, they were having a Labor Day Bar-B-Que at the pool. I'd been drinking all day. I brought home a hustler from a sleeze bar. I almost immediately passed out in the living room recliner. Soon, Hayden came by to get some clothes and walked in on the hustler going through my closets packing up my clothes. He confronted the hustler and took away the small firearm the guy had. With the help of a couple of neighbors, they ran the guy off. Apparently, the guy intended to kill me so as not to leave a witness. Little did he know that my blackout would have kept me from ever identifying him.

Three days later, I asked God to help me. At that moment, I had my Spiritual Awakening. I have had NO desire for alcohol since.

I realize now that it took me falling in love in order to do something about my drinking. If it had been anyone else intervening, I would have paid no attention. God put Hayden in my life for that reason. To save it.

Hayden is my Angel. He literally saved my life twice. First, getting me to agree to go to AA meetings. Second, from being murdered in my own apartment while passed out.

I owe my very life to my Angel.

Thanks for reminding me, Marvin.

In case you don't know ...

Google has implemented a new feature wherein you can
type someone's telephone number into the search bar
and hit enter and then you will be given a map to
their house. Everyone should be aware of this!
Note that you can have your phone number removed or
blocked. Before forwarding this, I tested it by
typing my telephone number in google.com. My phone
number came up, and when I clicked on the MapQuest
link, it actually mapped out where I live. Quite
scary. Please look up your own number. Read below
for details. Think about it--if a child, ANYONE
gives out his/her phone number, someone can actually
now look it up to find out where he/she lives. The
safety issues are obvious, and alarming. In order
to test whether your phone number is mapped, go to:
http://www.google.com/ Type your phone number in the search bar (i.e.
555-555-1212) and hit enter. If you want to BLOCK
Google from divulging your private information,
simply click on the telephone icon next to your
phone number. Removal takes 48-hours. If you are
unlisted in the phone book, you might not be in
there, but it is a good idea just to check. If your
number does come up if you hit map, it will show you
a direct map to your house...

Progress, Not Perfection

"Today, I was taking my inventory, not yours."
Ernest P. - Lambda Center, 24 Jan 05

That's one of my littany of character defects that I ask to be taken from me each day. I spend so much time critiquing the sobriety of others and maybe not enough time looking at my program. It prevents me from carrying the message to other alcoholics and from doing His will instead of my own.

It helps saying the AA Third Step Prayer:

God, I offer myself to thee. To build with me and to do with me as thy wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help, of Thy Power, Thy Will and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.

Bye Johnny

Well, God, Heeeeeeeeere's Johnny



I watched him from 1962 when I was 8 years old til he retired. As hard as I've always tried, I could never be as funny or quick-witted as he. He lived a full life and I can't wait til I get to hear him again.

A Sponge by any other name ...

Poor SpongeBob

On some political issues, I lean to the right. On some, I lean to the left. On all issues, I am free to draw my own conclusions and not be close-minded to either side. This does not seem to be the way that the far-left or far-right operate. After 50 years on this planet, some things I still find difficult to believe.

Keep it Simple

Alcoholics Anonymous is a Spiritual program. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with religion. Early on in my AA career, I heard someone say,

"RELIGION IS FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT WANT TO GO TO HELL. SPIRITUALITY IS FOR THOSE WHO HAVE ALREADY BEEN THERE."

These few simple words were tremendous help to me as I wanted nothing to do with religion. All I needed to do was instill in myself the concept of a Higher Power; something which was greater than myself. A bunch of sober alkies told me that if I could do that and just not drink for 24 hours at a time, my life would change drastically. They said it was that simple.

I had some pretty serious doubts. By nature, I am a cynic. But here were dozens of people, some with stories worse than mine, who had done just that and were able to live a good life - sober. They told me stories of thousands who had done the same.

They freely gave me their Experience, Strength and Hope. They had packaged their lives, without alcohol, into twenty-four hour segments, during which they practice a few principles to the best of their abilities.

Now I know that, while it isn't always easy, if I keep it simple, it works.

It really does.

Great Words & Narrow Minded Actions

INTEGRITY = when one's actions reflect their own words


Some people are upset about the $43M being spent on the President’s inauguration ceremony and parties. Most of this money is from private donations. The ceremony and security are paid for by the taxpayer, just like it's always been. Terry McCauliffe, former head of the Democratic National Committee, said he didn’t care to watch any of it. He preferred to put in the “Titanic” DVD to “get in the mood for the next 4 years of the Bush administration”. Howard Dean, future hopeful head of the DNC, was going to hold an “un-inauguration” party. Former members of the John Kerry campaign committee decided to book and go on a Caribbean cruise to get away from it all. These are the people who are saying that the president must now reach out to embrace and unite the country, but now they are running away and are no where to be found. The bottom line is, no matter how much, or little, would be spent on the inauguration, these people just can’t stand that it’s a Republican being sworn into office and more specifically, and painfully, it’s George W Bush. And frankly, most people, at least 54 million of them, could give a rat’s ass what these people say, think, or do. So I can only suggest to them to get an electable candidate for 2008 with some policies that people actually care about, and if they can get him elected, then they can throw their own party in 2009 and listen to the Republicans whine.

How can these "liberals" call themselves "open-minded" and patriotic? They seem to be open-minded only when they get their way; otherwise, they gonna take their toys and go home.

We both know ...

We both know you're a very strange and weird person. Take the following test to see just how weird you are - today.





We both know the easiest job in the world is being a TV Weatherman in San Diego. The weather is always the same. But this guy has it down pretty good too.

Serving My Brother

from Daily Reflections // copyright by A.A. World Services, Inc.

As the days pass in A.A., I ask God to guide my thoughts and the words that I speak. In this labor of continuous participation in the Fellowship, I have numerous opportunities to speak. So I frequently ask God to help me watch over my thoughts and my words, that they may be the true and proper reflections of our program; to focus my aspirations once again to seek His guidance; to help me be truly kind and loving, helpful and healing, yet always filled with humility, and free from any trace of arrogance.

Today I may very well have to deal with disagreeable attitudes or utterances -- the typical stock-in-trade attitude of the still-suffering alcoholic. If this should happen, I will take a moment to center myself in God, so that I will be able to respond from a perspective of composure, strength and sensibility.

Easy Does It

PUNISHMENT

One day mom was cleaning Junior's room, and in the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was very upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

Presidents

The History Channel is airing a wonderful series on each of the Presidents this week. Each night from 8-10pm ET.

Bounce this ...

The Magic of BOUNCE

• The US Postal service sent out a message to all letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets to keep yellow jackets away. Use them all the time when playing baseball and soccer. I use it when I am working outside It really works. The yellow jackets just veer around you.
• And all this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer!
• It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them.
• It also repels mice. Spread them around foundation areas, or in trailers or cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.
• It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.
• Repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
• Eliminates static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.
• Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
• Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
• Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
• Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.
• Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
• Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
• Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
• Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan.
• Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food.
• Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
• Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
• Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
• Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
• Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
• Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.
• Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.
• Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them. Keeps them smelling fresh.

Rodney's Newest pic

Rodney on MLK Day

Expectations

EXPECTATION (n): the act or state of eager anticipation; to look forward to a certain occurence

This seems to be one of the emotions that alcoholic thinking thrives on. For us, it can be deadly. When we don't get what we expect, we do what we do best - drink or use mind-altering chemicals. It leads to:

intolerance, contempt, envy, hatred, discontent, self-pity, distrust, anxiety, suspicion
The Steps of AA show us how to rid ourselves of this deadly emotion. All it takes is a complete willingness to LET GO. How do we do this? Through prayer to the God of our understanding. Through a constant and conscious effort of thought and practice. It does not happen overnight, but our problems did not happen overnight either. For those without this deadly thinking, you will not understand how this emotion can rule our daily thought processes.

We must learn to frame our goals but leave the outcome to our Higher Power. When we attempt to control outcomes, we often end up on a barstool with unfulfilled expectations.