Dating

Dating: The First Year of Recovery

There's always a lot of talk about relationships. So that means overall you're obsessed about a relationship, right? Because after all, you've spent your life looking for something outside yourself to make you feel better and you can't drink anymore, or not at least if you want to remain in the fellowship for any length of time. So relationships are a good topic of recovery in meetings and the Big Book says we demand rigorous honesty, correct? So if you are less than a year in the program, this is what you need to do. If someone becomes interested in you or you become interested in someone else, and because you want to stay sober...it's important that you stay rigorously honest. So I went through the big book and ...the 12 & 12 and found references that describe people like us so here is what you do if a man or woman becomes interested in you.

I believe in being rigorously honest so if you want to go out with me or be involved with me I think it's very important that you understand who and what I am. Although I look like a fully grounded adult, I am childish, grandiose, and gravely emotionally immature. My natural state is growing anxiety, depression and fear coupled with intense desire for excitement. This condition is fueled by an obsessive, compulsive controlling need for attention, acceptance. and unqualified approval. This renders me restless, irritable & discontent with my life. I'm also maladjusted to life, in full flight from reality and I'm an outright mental defective..... My thought life is governed by 100 forms of fear, self­ 

delusion, self-seeking and self-pity. All of which drives me to live my life according to selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and inconsiderate, resentful and frightened motives. Motives which left unattended will arouse and engage dangerous life-­threatening characteristics; anger, envy, greed, sloth, and gluttony - I will turn into a pig and I will want everything. This in turn is going to leave me very emotionally sensitive so that everything I hear and see I am going to take personally. I do not take criticism and cannot stand to be praised. I do not like to suffer emotionally and I will not suffer alone. I couple this with a brooding perfectionism and I lean defensively and lean guarded in fear of being found out and because of this I rationalize, minimize, justify and deny all my actions while casting blame on you and everyone else in a vigorous attempt to avoid detection. Therefore, I am quick to anger, slow to virtue and I judge and criticize everybody and everything I see. Defiance is my outstanding characteristic, rebellion will dog my every step. So this is who and what I am and I am going to base our entire  relationship with you on all these feelings and thoughts. Are you interested in going out to dinner with me?

Mark H., Dallas, Texas

Reprinted with permission nom TltllWuIer, a monthly newsletter oftbe Coastal Bend Intergroup .Association. Corpus Christi, Texas (May, 2005) cover page. Right on! Powerful stuff! Opinions expressed herein are not to be attributed to A.A. as a whole, nor does publication of any article imply any endorsement by either AA or the Intergroup Association, Inc.