Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Self vs Unself

Sometime, I really do consider myself a freak.
The noon AA meeting yesterday was about my least favorite topic ...The Fellowship.


One would think that topic would produce gratitude. Instead, for me, each time we share about The Fellowship, I am triggered into feelings of isolating. Talking about The Fellowship reminds me that I have so few real friends. I'm talking about people that I hang out with. People I call or speak to regularly. People I visit outside the rooms of AA. People I do things with.

You see, there is no one that fits that description.

I am still a loner.

This pisses me off -- at me. I can't seem to change the fact that I'm a loner. I'm still - and always may be - afraid to put myself out there. So I have to live with it. Usually it's OK. But when there is a meeting about The Fellowship, I am triggered.

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

that even though I feel apart from The Fellowship, it's only a feeling and not necessarily a fact

that my busy daily schedule is flexible enough to change, although I often resist it

that a sponsee called me when he needed help, and I could actually be there for him

that Hayden still has his ways with me - emotionally (why am I grateful for this?)

for my sponsor, who knows just what to say to me when my ass is falling off

that tomorrow is hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy

Show class, have pride, and display character. If you do, winning takes care of itself.
-Coach Paul "Bear" Bryant

15 comments:

Pam said...

I too am a loner dumplin head.
I rarely if ever, hang out with folks in the program. Funny though, I do encourage everyone else to. Maybe we are just super healthy, in that we can enjoy our own company....nah that's probably not it.

Mary Christine said...

One of the highlights of my entire year was hanging out with you in April! I think you are pretty damn good at it.

Redhead Gal said...

Why do you feel you MUST hang out? You seem to get plenty of people contact AT the meetings. You certainly connect with people through your blog. Maybe that's all the people connection you need to be healthy and you are viewing it as a "should" rather than a "want to" kind of thing.

Just a thought...

Scott W said...

Yesterday when Chris called on Robert, and he introduced himself as Robert, and then he started speaking--I thought wow, that sounds like Robert. I was a bit off yesterday. Ya think?

One Drunk to Another said...

I was a loner for many years. After a while of getting pissed off much like you do, I just decided I had enough. So, I asked someone to take me to out of town meetings when they go (I was from a small town, where traveling was important). Kinda like my drinking. I truly believe that most alcoholics are motivated by pain. When I've had enough of something, I am willing to change.

I'd hang out with you. :-)

By the way, from one request for a ride to an out of town meeting, years later I have to schedule "nights off" to spend by myself. Nope, I'm not an extreme alcoholic. hee hee

Tab said...

today is wednsday already? geesh.
where be my brains these days.

okay.
the isolating thing .
I really understand that one But I have to say I have just come to the realization it is because
A-I have always marched to the beat of my own drums(metaphorically and really)
B-Learning to let go of baggage takes time z z z a long time.
C-Finding my boundaries also takes timez z z usually just in time!
D-Then using those boundaries to find suitable friends has been a challenge...no rush here..
E-Some people have fewer friends than others but the ones they have are for real - not superficial.

I much like A and E myself.
(oh and its a great tv channel too)

We find what makes us comfortable as we stumble skip walk tip toe etc along our journeys Daave.

Thank you for sharing so much of yours here..I just think you are such a sweet'ums.

Tab xo

peanut said...

Dear dAAve,

We are a bunch of "loners" trying to learn how to be social people.

You are not the lone wolf in that.

We are a "people" who would not ordinarily mix.

I think you are on your case far to much and far to harshly.

I really think that other's see you differently than you see yourself. Besides, I think it's perfectly fine to be a "loner." If you are like me, I have been a loner all my life. That was the way I survived in my house growing up.

We have the rest of our lives to make changes.

I believe the main thing is that we "serve the fellowship" of our brothers and sisters in the program
and out. You do, you just have microscopic vision when it comes to yourself, I think.

You are loved and appreciated !

Scott W said...

Sorry to double dip, but just wanted to say:

What Peanut said.

Trudging said...

Hi, hi, hi

msb said...

You struck a chord with me. Since I moved to AZ I really don't have a big or even a little network of friends. Thats why, when I found these blogs I don't feel as lonely. And Yea for 1/2 naaked thursday. And yea for you being a part of my 12 step family. A blog that is one of my favorites because its so stand up. gees I'm starten' to get mushy here. :-}

Syd said...

I don't mind being a loner because it means that for now I'm comfortable in my own skin. That's a good thing for me. I don't have to fake friendship. I don't have to be with those who don't get it. I can be sociable if I want to do so. But I don't mind being with myself and by myself.

pigl said...

some parts of who we really are will always remain. there are areas we can *work* on to improve if we choose.

whoever you are, it's ok. accept yourself as you so freely accept other alcoholics in the rooms.

you are a special one.

piglet said...

sorry, pigl = piglet

tkdjunkie said...

"At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us."

Nothing else matters as long as you focus on fulfilling that "real purpose". You're a priceless & unique person, and your HP uses you in remarkable ways -- loner or not.

I'm a loner too ... many newcomers are loners. Sometimes it takes a loner to understand a loner ...

Many hugs to ya :)

lash505 said...

yes I want to beat so fellowship ass sometimes. There is fakes and ego freaks everywhere in the world.