Sunday, June 06, 2010

I wanna Canadian.

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum,
Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia


sandleton news said...

that is actually genius!

Em said...

I LOVE THIS! It is hilarious, but as the first comment said - genious :)

The Turning Point said...

Great, hilarious.
Hopefully you will be posting the answers to his questions later.


Beq said...

This was really funny.

But, aside from thanking you for the laugh I wanted to let you know I've been following you for about a year now... and... you've been a lifeline for me. You changed my life.
Thank you.

Please keep writing about each step. I'm hanging on to every post you've made about them.


Syd said...

An intelligent and well researched response.

Kim A. said...

I want to punch a duck every time I listen to her so I quit. I have been told that ignorance can be cured but not stupidity. For the lack of being able to say anything nice about her I will go to my corner now.


janjanmom said...

Overall, I like Dr. Laura-but some of the things she comes out with make me shudder, especially the hateful things.

I am a Christian and a believer in the Word, but I don't believe we get to use it to judge other me it is more of a me to God and God to me tool. We are supposed to spread the good news of Christ and His sacrifice thus allowing others to enter into relationship with Him. That doesn't mean we have a right to declare others unfit.

I love your blog so much-it makes me laugh nearly every day and I REALLY like to laugh.

Kathy Lynne said...

right on!

Trailboss said...

What a wonderful letter. I would love to know what Dr. Laura's response was.

Zanejabbers said...

This is one of your best.