Friday, August 31, 2012

going there

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

that today marks the 9th anniversary of my last drunk.  Not to be confused with my last drink.  That came a few days later.  But 9 years ago, my behavior had deteriorated to the point of hanging out (daily) in sordid places.  I cared for no one besides myself, even though I was ostensibly in a relationship.  My selfishness told me it was OK to cheat on him all I wanted or needed to.  I thought that I was suffering from a mental breakdown for the past 3 months and it seemed to be getting worse.  I was crying uncontrollably every day, often with tears flowing into a pint of beer or into my rum & coke.  I rarely wanted to eat and often when I did eat, I would vomit soon after.  My only friends were those I knew at "my" bar and they probably didn't want to interact with me any more than necessary.  I usually isolated when there, which averaged 10-12 hours per day.  
Yes, 9 years ago today, I had reached something I can now look at and call -- incomprehensible demoralization.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
- The Buddha


Pammie said...

I'm sorry you had to reach that awful place. I tried to scratch you out a warning on the bar top but I guess you missed it. How awesome though that God knew exactly where you had to go to find the incomprehensible demoralization that so many of us have met, flirted with and taken on as a secret lover. When your moment of clarity came you were able to grab it and run.
I have so loved reading your journey here in blogville. Many mornings you have been an inspiration for my day. I am proud of and for you mi amigo.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Grateful that you are here to tell the tale in gratitude of a power that has moved you beyond the bar stool and back to grateful relationships and usefulness :)

I'm so grateful that you are a blogger too!

Happy SoBerThday!

Mary Christine said...

This made me cry Dave. I am so grateful that you no longer live this way, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be alive if you did. I will be here for your birthday, just as I have for the last 7 of them. So grateful our paths have crossed. Last night I was looking through old pictures and found two pics of us at the International Convention. Such a wonderful memory. xoxoxo

Syd said...

Glad that you made it out of that dark place to the light of recovery. Sad to what depths alcoholism can take people.