More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it.
The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his senses, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension -- that makes for more drinking.
Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition, page 73
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that I was rather successfull at being a gay man in a str8 world and a gay alcoholic in a str8 bar, BUT today I can see the long-term damage it has caused me
that my life is not a work of fiction
that my life is much less compartmentalized than during my drinking days
that WL (a sponsee) celebrates 5 months of sobriety todAAy
that I made yesterday car maintenance day with an oil change+ and thorough car wash now that the rain is finished
that almost any difficulties I have today are the result of not practicing Step 3
that I didn't tell my 5th step to an employee of The New York Times
that as an adult, I don't have the allergies I had as a kid (to grass and pollen)
If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.