Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The D Files

Early in December, I put myself into therapy.
My self-esteem was / is at an all-time low. I don't know why this is, but it is very real to me. I am frustrated and confused. And it is as painful as anything I've ever felt. My psychiatrist has told me that my problems can be worked out through communication therapy and medications should not be necessary. I like that.
Part of the problem is that I am feeling things that used to be shielded by alcohol. This seems to be showing itself in two ways: (1) being incredibly over-sensitive to criticism and (2) the feeling that no one wants me in their midst. Regarding number 1, I find it interesting because I used to be an baseball umpire. I was constantly called every name in the book (a very thick book). Lately, it seems like everyone is criticising me throughout every day. No matter what I do, it's the wrong thing. I pray every day (multiple times now) to be shown the right things to do. But whatever I do, (it seems) someone finds it necessary to tell me how wrong I am. Or my low-esteem tells me what a loser I am. So I stay frustrated and want to remain away from humans.
This is stuff I'm trying to deal with. I just need to put that out there. I have good days and bad days. A couple of people have emailed me asking what's going on with me. I doubt that I am the only person ever to have these feelings and if writing about it can help someone, somehow, that's a good thing. I also know that if I can stay clean and sober and continue a conscious contact with my HP, this will pass. At least enough so that I can continue my intended path.
(the irony of the quote below is not lost on me)

The first and most important step toward success is the feeling that we can succeed.
-Nelson Boswell


Matt said...

I hope you get better soon.

Mary Christine said...

Thank you so much Daave for sharing this with us. This is the tough stuff. Hang in there.

Redhead Gal said...

It's amazing how we can continue to perceive ourselves in such a negative fashion despite all the evidence to the contrary around us.

You are the best, dAAve. Even if you don't believe, it's true.

Scott W said...

What they all said.

The bigger the problem the bigger the serenity when we finally transcend it. There are things that are made easy for us to get through so have more strength to deal when the tough stuff happens.

It's painful and scary but it's the stuff of life, and like you said, since we no longer drink it away, we have to find those other ways to cope. You'll make it, one day at a time.

Brad said...

Hey Dave,

I'm so glad you're seeing someone. Depression is a tough one, because we tend to treat it with isolation. Which doesn't work.

I've been praying for you lately, as I know you've been a bit "off." I'll keep praying!

Brad :-)


O.K. baby here goes.............
JJ's two cents.

Who are other people to judge (i.e. tell you you are wrong?). People need to take their own inventory and not judge. Who are we to judge. There is only one true judge and I (and I hope you) do not plan on seeing him/her/it anytime soon.

I admire the fact that you decided to share this in our blog land. I bet it wasn't easy but you knew it might help someone and that my friend makes me love you all the more.

I can understand wanting to stay away from other humans because I too do that....come on...sometimes other humans drive me fuck'n crazy. And then again I drive myself crazy.

I love the analogy with the umpire and being called every name in that other thick book.

I have met you in person my friend. I have hugged that dAAve that I love. You are a very generous human being. You have a kind heart. You make me laugh (that is a sign to me that you are a person I would want to be with.)

I can start typing away all the cute little AA sayings but really dAAve you know them and I don't think that is what you need to hear. You know your toolbox and you use it.

Just know that this cowgirl is here for you 24 / 7.

I have always seen you and I still see you.

Tons of love your way my friend.

Anonymous said...

Over sensitivity has been a life long challenge for me too Daave.
Not because I am a sensitive Pisces or a codpependent type..but mainly BOTH!
We do learn more as we travel along our journeys through recovery..hope that helps in some way for you to know,others do indeed know these feelings in which you shared with us and we can and do move beyond them..just takes a long fucking time.
I love you Daave.
Thanks for sharing ~

Pam said...

Mr. Dave...for me.....when I start seeing some progress in myself, and I am taking action, and trying my best to work the program....my brain starts screaming "FRAUD". My head tells me that I'm a fraud, and that the good things I do are really not ME. It's old wiring in a sick old alcoholic brain.
You are worthy of good thoughts about yourself.
And like my sponsor always says "just because someone says something negative about you, doesn't make it true"

David said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
AAwoken said...

First of all, most other humans are fucked up people, so fuck 'em. One of the best things I learned in early recovery was to "become independent of the good opinion of others". Very valuable lesson indeed. In fact, quite liberating. The self-esteem issue can be corrected....your therapist can help there. Hell, I can help, remember I was the Vice-President of a one man company. A lot of it has to do with dropping your story, if that makes any sense. If not I'll be happy expound upon the subject.

Lex-Sunshine said...

You are wonderful. A wonderful child of a loving HP. Keep on keepin' on. You've traveled through much worse, sometimes alone, you can travel through this, and never have to be.

Meg Moran said...

my monkey mind judges me constantly...its just an old habit. I would never be so unkind to you..or you, or you as I am to ME! Criticisim makes me cry EVERYTIME, even when it is imagined. Consider yourself hugged and understood.

Carly said...

Oh boy, I know those feelings soooooo well! This is where I have to hear "your feelings aren't facts" many times a day. You are taking good care of yourself in AA and by getting outside help. I hope you feel the arms of your HP holding you close!

A Tampa Realtor said...

Wow Dave,

I am right there with you. By all outward appearances, I am a talkitive, likable, and caring person... and this is coming from people like my Grand Mother, parents, everyone I know. I am a good person. Yet on the inside, I am depressive, lacking confidence, and all of those same feelings you have. Wow. Just so you know, you are not alone. We don't have to drink over it, and the funny thing is that it gets better. But I still have some time to go, so stick around and check in with me in 5 years. If I am still sober, I bet it will have gotten better!

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great".

Mark Twain

p/s thank you for the link. really appreciate it.

Alcoholic Brain said...

Yes, it will pass. You are worthy...

lushgurl said...

Here we go again...everytime I'm feeling bad and try to feel better HE puts people in my path to show me I am not alone! I too suffer from low self esteem and depression, but I know that no matter how bad one day is, I can start a new 24 at anytime. Tell that 'Shitty Committee' in your head to fu-- off, you don't need them anymore! :)

piglet said...

thanks for sharing this dave. yes, others need to read this too so they know they are ok.

quitting smoking was your last "veil" me thinks :) i've heard this many times and have experienced it myself when i quit so i could grow me healthy baby.

keep doing what you are doing and remember what augusten says, "writing can literally save your life".

i love me some augusten.

and some dave :)