Early in December, I put myself into therapy.
My self-esteem was / is at an all-time low. I don't know why this is, but it is very real to me. I am frustrated and confused. And it is as painful as anything I've ever felt. My psychiatrist has told me that my problems can be worked out through communication therapy and medications should not be necessary. I like that.
Part of the problem is that I am feeling things that used to be shielded by alcohol. This seems to be showing itself in two ways: (1) being incredibly over-sensitive to criticism and (2) the feeling that no one wants me in their midst. Regarding number 1, I find it interesting because I used to be an baseball umpire. I was constantly called every name in the book (a very thick book). Lately, it seems like everyone is criticising me throughout every day. No matter what I do, it's the wrong thing. I pray every day (multiple times now) to be shown the right things to do. But whatever I do, (it seems) someone finds it necessary to tell me how wrong I am. Or my low-esteem tells me what a loser I am. So I stay frustrated and want to remain away from humans.
This is stuff I'm trying to deal with. I just need to put that out there. I have good days and bad days. A couple of people have emailed me asking what's going on with me. I doubt that I am the only person ever to have these feelings and if writing about it can help someone, somehow, that's a good thing. I also know that if I can stay clean and sober and continue a conscious contact with my HP, this will pass. At least enough so that I can continue my intended path.
(the irony of the quote below is not lost on me)
The first and most important step toward success is the feeling that we can succeed.