Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Proceed with caution

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dogs at WALMART and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her, "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both."

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
(This is not a true story. It is a joke. If you don't like it, call your sponsor.)

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

that we read Bill's Story yesterday at the Eyes Wide Shut meeting; the discussion afterward was great as we each told at least one way that we identified with his story

that I no longer have to look away from people so they won't smell alcohol on my breath

for the concept of killing 2 birds with 1 stone

that smiling at someone costs me nothing

that tomorrow is hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy, so get your cameras out now!

"It is the Law that any difficulties that can come to you at any time, no matter what they are, must be exactly what you need most at the moment, to enable you to take the next step forward by overcoming them. The only real misfortune, the only real tragedy, comes when we suffer without learning the lesson."
-- Emmet Fox


Gwen said...

I friggin love you dAAve! LOVE U!

Katia said...

I love that joke. I have used it before - its amazing how many people ask that (and other) stupid questions.

Have a great day!

Mary Christine said...

Have a great day dAAve.

Scott W said...

Smiles work.

Christine said...

what a great laugh!
thank you

AAwoken said...

That was very funny!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the
other. Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank
you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Syd said...

Two good jokes on the same day! Thanks, they gave me a chuckle.

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Sober @ Sundown said...

It is not hard for me to believe that you would tell that joke at Walmart.......

Have a wonderful evening.

peanut said...


I liked your joke but, I liked the other one even more (are my tests back)

rotflmao !!!!!!

Tab said...

too tired to read the joke but not too tired to read your list..
smiles are good..just be careful who you smile at or she may get the wrong

Todd HellsKitchen said...

Sorry, but, I think throwing stones at birds is a defect of character...