Sunday, August 20, 2006

me, mySELF and i

Selfishness -- self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible.

When I first came into the rooms of AA, I did not believe any of this applied to me.
It was not so much that I had not been honest with myself all those years, I had chosen to be blissfully unaware. I had never looked at myself and my behaviour as others might see me, especially as God (as I understand Him today) sees me.
As I mentally prepare myself for the most significant event of my 3 years of sobriety (the visit of Hayden, my former boyfriend), I must pay special attention to my character defects. My tendencies to be needy and jealous. Overly possessive. My constant desire to be his center of attention.
He'll be here for a month, plenty of time for all of these defects and more to activate themselves. The Twelve Steps of AA will help to prevent my previous behaviour, but only if I take the proper action(s).

"God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, so that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always."


Scott W said...

Now, this will be interesting to watch.

recoveryroad said...

Nice work with the pciture, Dave. :-)

may need to pick your brains on how and where etc.

have a good day, amigo.


dAAve you are fuck'n reading my mind these past couple of days. Do you have ESPN? LOL
I see you,

Scott said...

lol didnt apply to me either, I think we were set up dAAve!

dAAve said...

JJ -- I have ESPN and Lifetime!

Trudging said...

Wow, Lifetime and ESPN!!!

Scott W said...

I could have a lifetime of ESPN and I would never watch a minute of it.

Mary Christine said...

I hope you will continue to post during his visit.

And I love the way your blog looks. I think I need to pic your brain too.

lash505 said...

How cool is that...

Greg said...

Birds of a feather flock togther. hagd Daave.

Tab said...

oh Daave,you are such a sweetie .
I can hear how important this visit is to you!Happy mental preparing.
Thanks for sharing ~

Redhead Gal said...

I have yet to learn how those words apply to me and my alcoholism, but I hope to.

Sober Chick said...

Loving the new look Dave!

A month of seeing your growth in this area, I am excited to read your thoughts.