Sunday, August 06, 2006

Telling on myself

This is a tough post for me, but if I have learned anything in AA, it's that I have to not only be honest, but I also can't keep negative feelings to myself. I have to tell someone, even if it's just writing about them and exposing my defects on the internet.

I spent almost all day/night yesterday in isolation. It didn't begin that way. Actually, I felt just fine when I went to the 8:30am meeting.
The meeting topic was "those crazy thoughts inside our heads." How do we handle them?

As people shared their thoughts, something triggered my crazy thinking. My mind wandered to the fact that I rarely call people in recovery because I always feel that no one wants to talk to me. That led to my constant thinking that I have no friends to do stuff with outside the rooms of AA. That I'm getting older and will always be alone.
blah, blah, friggin' blah....

I know it's dangerous when I start thinking these thoughts. I tried to stop, but that committee inside my head is very persistent. After the meeting, I stood outside, wanting to go to breakfast with someone or any group that might be going. No one. I can't ever bring myself to ask anyone to go with me. If they wanted me to eat with them, they would have already asked. And of course, no one did. In three years of Saturday morning meetings, I've yet to go with a group that eats breakfast after that meeting. And it's all my own fault. So I start feeling sorry for myself for being so afraid of them. And on and on and on.....

I spent the entire day (a beautiful day to waste) by myself **. I fulfilled my one committment to a GSR meeting and then came directly home. I missed the Saturday Night Live Speaker meeting because I didn't want anyone to see me in this state. I am putting this out there in the hopes that if anyone else can identify with these feelings, that you find a way to help your own self by seeing my poor example. ( I have a sponsee who will read this; learn from this, please)
I also kept reminding myself that This Too Shall Pass ***.

Sometimes I think I may have been put on the Earth only as an example of how not to do things.

** I have to add here that I was fully aware of the tools I possess that I could have chosen to use to get myself out of this crap. I chose not to utilize them so I could stay in my shit.
*** On awakening this morning, all those feelings were gone.

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

... for my Higher Power who listens
... that I didn't drink yesterday and woke up sober
... for Alcoholics Anonymous

24 comments:

Greg said...

Good morning Daave. Well I felt/feel like this alot. and i too if I'm thet example of how NOT to do things. Keep your chin up. Glad we woke up sober this morning. Have a good day

Greg said...

oh yea thanks for putting a link on your page:)

Scott said...

good morning dAAvid... thank you for opening yourself to me/us/them... I knnow how crippling a feleing it can be to just want to be alone with our mess and our defects of character. I have had those times whenI just don't want to be around people, I don't feel right, i dont want to feel right, I just want to be left alone. The great thing is, that This Too Shall (and always does) Pass!! I haveignored the principles of the program on many occasion out of lethargy, apathy, anger, or whatever.. it happens, we aren't perfect. the great thing is, that you shared, and now you will be bombarded with love and support! You have my number, you can always call me dAAve, I enjoy sharing with you! Oh, and to heck with all that I am too old, no one likes me or wants to hang out with me, etc... You know that simply isn't the case, even though it really feels that way... If I lived in H-Town, we'd be hanging out for sure. You're funny, smart, really kind, and really, really sober!

Hang in there dAAve, be good to yourself, and enjoy your day, learn from yesterday...

peace to you, big sober hugs to you!

dbv said...

well, if you're still hungry, a bunch of us are going to west gray cafe after the meeting this morning for breakfast... you're more than welcome to come along... is there a shovel in that toolbox, that shit sounds deep... (my attempt at humor)...

Trish G. said...

Dave, thanks for the courage to post. You are much more recovered than I. I find myself in the state of mind you describe more often than I like to admit. Some days I crave fellowship, but I just can't employ the tools to save myself. On these days the best I can do is drag myself to a meeting and sit silently in the presence of others.

Yesterday was one of those days for me too. Thankfully, I went to a meeting at Northwest Unity and hung around long enough after the meeting to tag along with a group that went to Starbucks. As a result I felt better. I am still inclined to isolate today, but instead I will see you at Lambda at 9:30. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Good morning dAAve,
I know how that feels also. I had a sponser one time ask if I had asked anyone to go eat..My answer was always no. When I finally did ask, the response was he always that you were busy and had other things to do... That is how I have feel with you sometime.... So now that I have that clear in my sick mind...You are more than welcome to join us any and every saturday morning. There is always several groups of people going to get breakfast.... Thanks for your posting ...... Wish I could write as well as you do...Have a great day... I know I am going to, I woke up sober and also woke up with 21 years sober this moring.... Love, Lloyd

psychbaby said...

Ok, why are you copying me?!
:)
Yes, it passed. Funny how those feelings lurk inside, waiting to pop out when we least expect it. Those little old, nasty feelings of self.

I'd be willing to bet that in past years, they'd stick around a lot longer... at least they did for me.

You rock Dave. You're a very sweet and inspiring man.

Here's to a more serene day!!!
xoxo

psychbaby said...

pssst... just watching "Inked" - a "reality" show about a tattoo shop in Vegas. A guy is getting a gay Uncle Sam tattooed on his arm. groovy.
;)

Tab said...

Welcome to being human Daave xo
We all have our days,no such thing as a day wasted...nor time wasted in those thoughts,,,just look and see how you feel today.You are someone I wounld LOVE to share breakfast with...FYI...I read your blog every morning with my coffee:)
Embrace those new personal insights.
Much Love to you Daave.
Thanks for sharing~

Tab said...

*typo..would not wounld...
sorry not finished coffee yet ..!

Mr. H.K. said...

Well, have a great Sunday...

I know a retired stripper lady in Hell's Kitchen that would love to have breakfast with you AND Scott, anyday!

It's InTheBook said...

Dave, you're a brave guy for sharing like that. I never want people to know when I'm sick and sorry, acting like I dunno how to use the tools. But I do it. I buy ice cream, sit in front of the tv, feel sorry for me. I did it for months before I moved. I believe, though, that I'm "processing" stuff when I do. Deep inside I'm working stuff out, letting it ferment enough to boil over and out and into the light where God and all the people who speak his words for him can help me. So it's okay. I need to do that sometimes, I guess. And today I don't do it holding a bottle of Jack or a joint.

Love, Suz

Designer Girl said...

Sounds like you need a hug. I know it's not the same, but (((dAAve))).

Mary Christine said...

Welcome to humanity Daave. Our brains our out to get us. I really believe that. Today you woke up and knew all that crap was a bunch of lies. That is good.

Start going out for breakfast with those guys - whether you want to or not. That's my unsolicited advice to you!

Mark W. said...

Oh hell yeah I can identify!

No matter what, we trudge through these times.

It is a reminder to me that my disease is alive and well and hasn't disappeared.

"Constant vigilance is the watch word."

Matt said...

I missed you last night...and I choose to stay in my shit sometimes too. Just by writing this, you prove to be a fine example.

Trudging said...

Ah David I get the whole isolation thing. The monsters in your closet are not as big as you think.

Trudging said...

Not to say that you are in the closet (-:

lash505 said...

Dave I feel that way more often, by not making the calls and effort. I will give some honesty, I have felt like you are pissed because you haven't posted on my blog. The fact is I am in my head way to often. I think I will make some calls.

SCoUt said...

dAAve,
Your post was very touching. I am moved by your honesty and your willingness to ask others what they think about the same.
But an example of what NOT to do? Hardly!
For me, you have always been someone to follow, dAAve, and I've never even fricking met you!
This post is yet another reason that I know you have what I want--you are human; you can be honest about it; you are not pretending to be something you are not in your recovery; you share your feelings openly; you reach out; and you know how to pick up the tools you have.
I think you are amazing, and by the looks of all the comments you have recieved, I am not the only one who thinks the same.
Peace, dAAve,
Scout

Gwen said...

As i read your post I thought "wow we all are soooo alike." Then I got to the bottom and saw "I am putting this out there in the hopes that if anyone else can identify with these feelings," and then I saw 20 comments.

Next pops into my head

"All of us, without exception, pass through times when we can pray only with the greatest exertion of will. Occasionally we go even further than this. We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won't pray. When these things happen we should not think too ill of ourselves. We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us."

I for one am really glad to read your post. Thank you because I know how hard it is to put that stuff out there.

G~

brad@thisunmanageablelife.com said...

Here's a crazy idea...

Maybe if you call me in the morning (to make sure that I'm awake enough to talk to another alcoholic and actually get motivated to go to work on time) it'd help us both out!

email me. let's talk
Brad :-)

NMAMFQLMSH said...

I love you dAAve,
JJ

Daily Piglet said...

Dagblamit! I just got this today which is of little or no use to you now I am sure.

Anyways, I would totally ask you to breakfast, lunch AND dinner!

And, if I had a dollar for everytime that I have felt just. like. that. It's ok, b/c those feelings need to be released from your body, mind and soul. We drank b/c of those feelings. Even though we've quit drinking, those feelings still need a release and they are just trying to find their way to the door.

You are not defective, you are a fine man just. the. way. you. are.
God made you b/c he has a purpose for you. Being honest about your pain is RECOVERY my friend. It doesn't mean that you "aren't doing something right" b/c you are doing something right.

Choose safe people in which to bare your soul, not those that try and run from their soul and the pain their soul houses.

I'd say based on the amount of comments (and I've read none of them-yet) you have, there are some healing words for you. Take them my friend, and wrap yourself in the love you so very much deserve.

You've helped me so many times with your humor, and I really appreciate you. And, I see you.