This is a tough post for me, but if I have learned anything in AA, it's that I have to not only be honest, but I also can't keep negative feelings to myself. I have to tell someone, even if it's just writing about them and exposing my defects on the internet.
I spent almost all day/night yesterday in isolation. It didn't begin that way. Actually, I felt just fine when I went to the 8:30am meeting.
The meeting topic was "those crazy thoughts inside our heads." How do we handle them?
As people shared their thoughts, something triggered my crazy thinking. My mind wandered to the fact that I rarely call people in recovery because I always feel that no one wants to talk to me. That led to my constant thinking that I have no friends to do stuff with outside the rooms of AA. That I'm getting older and will always be alone.
blah, blah, friggin' blah....
I know it's dangerous when I start thinking these thoughts. I tried to stop, but that committee inside my head is very persistent. After the meeting, I stood outside, wanting to go to breakfast with someone or any group that might be going. No one. I can't ever bring myself to ask anyone to go with me. If they wanted me to eat with them, they would have already asked. And of course, no one did. In three years of Saturday morning meetings, I've yet to go with a group that eats breakfast after that meeting. And it's all my own fault. So I start feeling sorry for myself for being so afraid of them. And on and on and on.....
I spent the entire day (a beautiful day to waste) by myself **. I fulfilled my one committment to a GSR meeting and then came directly home. I missed the Saturday Night Live Speaker meeting because I didn't want anyone to see me in this state. I am putting this out there in the hopes that if anyone else can identify with these feelings, that you find a way to help your own self by seeing my poor example. ( I have a sponsee who will read this; learn from this, please)
I also kept reminding myself that This Too Shall Pass ***.
Sometimes I think I may have been put on the Earth only as an example of how not to do things.
** I have to add here that I was fully aware of the tools I possess that I could have chosen to use to get myself out of this crap. I chose not to utilize them so I could stay in my shit.
*** On awakening this morning, all those feelings were gone.
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
... for my Higher Power who listens
... that I didn't drink yesterday and woke up sober
... for Alcoholics Anonymous