In my 3+ years of sobriety, I've gone through feelings like this a few times.
Why would anybody want anything to do with me or even to be near me?
I know it's an irrational feeling, but it's there and it's real. There is absolutely no reason for it and nothing in particular that prompted it. Nothing is different now than yesterday or the day before. I've participated in service work and AA fellowship as always.
Today, I have tools to use. The most important tools I have are (1) don't drink (2) remembering that This Too Shall Pass.
It always does.
My schedule for today includes 2 sponsee meetings sandwiched around an AA meeting plus a visit to my Mom. I'll be just fine as long as I don't drink.
7 comments:
Magic magnifying mind?
Remember that you don't have a monopoly on that feeling and that it does pass! I'm looking forward to a great St. Patty's day, Dave.
Cunning, baffling, powerful. Thank God we have a solution.
I thought I was ok with those kinds of thoughts until really lovely people wanted to be in my life, and that just didn't compute at all. So basically I find that voice gets louder and more persistent when seriously great people are in my life. The 'better' and more 'impressive' they are, the more I can't believe it. At all. The longer I'm sober, the lovelier the people who want to befriend me seem to get. I have a hard time seeing why lovely people want to choose me as a friend instead of someone else. All personalities are different. This is just my default setting. I trace this thinking back to an embedded belief that I am unlovable. Its not a very easy thing to change. Sometimes the best you can do is fake it to make it. One of the reasons I love the film Vanilla Sky, is because it dramatizes this problem. Tom cruise decides to take an overdose because he cannot accept that Sophia could really love him because he sees himself as disfigured and unlovable. Sophia DOES love him, but he cant see it, and kills himself anyway. His character in the film, although difficult at times, IS actually very lovable, even with a disfigured face, and everyone else can see that he is loved and wanted except him. Its all about perception unfortunately.
Perceptions are mostly really wrong. Including the ones about ourselves. You have to train your mind into thinking you ARE loveable. Just keep telling yourself you are until you believe it. Otherwise you are making the same terrible error of judgment as Tom cruises character.
My sponsor and I were just talking about that on Friday. Her with 23yrs and me with 15 and we both still get them. I think that is real "core issue" stuff. I continue to work on it and it gets a bit better every day and then sticks its little green eyes up when I least expect to keep me working.
My girlfriend tells those little liars "thanks for sharing" and moves on.
Thanks for sharing so honestly.
;)
A quote from Bono: "You can exorcise your demons or you can exercise them. I don't know what I've discovered about myself from analysis. The thing to watch for is navel-gazing — and I do have a very nice one — but most of what I've learnt about myself you discover in other people."
Another reason that film works very well on this issue, is because although it feels 'bad' to think Why would anybody want anything to do with me or even to be near me' thoughts. Because it is largely a HABIT, it passes in a sort of 'ordinary', un dramatic, 'matter of fact' way. Like most things, they are always easier to see in others than in ourselves. Meaning we see them with much better perspective in others than we do in ourselves. If its us. Its not pleasant, but its 'familiar' and makes 'sense'. But when you see tom cruises character give up on life because he feels unlovable and 'wrong', it's absolutely heartbreaking to watch. I think this is a good thing, because we are habituated to lousy beliefs, but seeing them fresh, in another person, really makes the reality of that belief hit home.
That's why I like that quote from bono, that 'you learn most about yourself, by seeing yourself in other people.' This is also why I think newcomers help us so much, because we get to see our 'stuff' in them, therefore gaining insight and perspective. I always learn about my stuff first from them, long before I am able to see it in myself with the same level of clarity.
"Why would anybody want anything to do with me or even to be near me?"
Step closer and let me tell you why. Erm. You can't - there are bits of continents and oceans in th way. Drat.
Okay - you're an all round good egg. That's why people wwant to know you. And you have a strong recovery and you give away what has been freely given to you.
:-)
That do?
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