I've got this problem and I don't know how to handle it.
If I talk about it, then it's all about me and I don't want to be self-centered. But if I don't talk about it, I'm not following your instructions about recovery.
I plummetted right back into my selfish isolating yesterday. I had breakfast with Scott and Matt and even mentioned it to them. I thought maybe things would level out if I told them. But it just got worse. The day wore on and so did my mind.
The problem is that I have no problems. Maybe I am now in the position of needing to create a problem when there's not one. I hear people talk about self-sabotage.
I'm sober and active in AA.
My Mom is seriously ill but I do all I can for her.
I'm relatively healthy; don't even have a doctor.
I'm retired; no work problems to deal with.
I have money and no debt; no problems there.
I have the love of my life returning home; that's all good.
What I don't have is self-esteem. That's what I've identified as the problem. I know in my heart of hearts that you don't want me around. It doesn't matter what you say because I know you are just being nice. You're a nice person, so of course you'll say the right things to me. But if you have a choice, you don't want me anywhere around your space. So I try to stay away as much as possible without going into isolation.
I show up where I am supposed to be. Physically I am there. I go through the motions and try to hide my true feelings. I don't want you fretting over me and wasting your time. But you don't know what's going through my head. I will leave you alone (when I can get away with it) because I know you don't want me to invade your life.
I am passing up attending a number of Christmas parties because I know that you only invited me out of a sense of obligation. Or just that you're a nice person. You don't really want me there. So I sit at home or go to an AA meeting, wishing I could be like others and knowing that will never happen. And when I feel this way, I don't want my negative vibes to rub off on you, so I avoid you even more.
It's a viscious circle. And a dangerous one.
Hopefully, it's one that will pass. It always has before.
So now I have laid myself out there, warts and all.
I also know that I'm a good person (relatively) with good intentions.
I've been praying a lot for a solution.