Monday, December 11, 2006

Peeling Layers

The past 2 weeks I have been out of it.

There. I said it.
Isolated. Self-absorbed. Self-centered. Self-pitying.
For absolutely no reason that I know of. No reason!
So, what do I do about it? I beat myself up for it. I tell myself that I am not worthy of your friendship. That makes it easier for me to isolate. When I can isolate, my life can be all about me. I don't need to include you. When I don't include you, I can feel sorry for myself for being alone. And it goes on and on and on.
And because my self-esteem is near an all-time low, I feel stupid. I can't think right. I can't do things that are normally easy. I have been trying to write this meme about 6 Weird Things About Me for almost 2 days and I can't even do that! LOL Lord knows that there are 600 Weird Things About Me, yet I can't think of them.

The one thing I know for sure ... if I don't drink over all of this, It Shall Pass.
So I continue to go to meetings, pray to my Higher Power, read my AA literature and even talk to my sponsor. I chaired a meeting last night with about 100 in attendance. My intended topic was going to be about isolating and I would have told on myself to those listening. However, I asked if anyone had something they needed to bring up for discussion, and a young girl raised her hand. She was dealing with grief issues and thus, the meeting went in that direction. I did not feel a need to control it so that it was about my problems. Whew!

todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

for the reminder that my HP did not bring me this far just to abandon me

that I am not one to give up

that I came out of my closet when I was 20 years old to my family and friends

for the Roy Orbison TV specials on PBS over the weekend

Anger or hatred is like a fisherman's hook. It is very important for us to ensure that we are not caught by it.
-Dalai Lama


Mary Christine said...

I hate it when my mind attacks me. You will be OK because you are being honest about it and you have no delusions about it. Take Care my friend. "this too shall pass."

Pam said...

Oh darlin'...why oh why did we sign up for a program with so much WORK and ACTION? :) And you are truly doing BOTH. Remember when we drunks could not think of a way to get "out of this kind of funk?" You are inspiring this morning...sorry...for some reason that job got assigned to you for the day.

Designer Girl said...

(((dAAve))), thanks so much for this amazingly honest post. You're usually so upbeat, but you're human, and sometimes we humans just go through stuff like this for no apparent reason. You know what, though? In my hugely vast experience of sobriety, I've found that it does eventually get better, especially after telling on yourself!

Love you lots and lots, my friend! xoxo

Scott said...

first of all, big hugs my friend, you're more than worth my friendship! Secondly, I'll just bet that something was said in last evening's meeting of 100 peeps that could help how you're feeling. I love the fact that you tell on your disease and share the reality of recovery with us all. Sometimes, I think we just have to keep going forward no matter how we feel inside. That's one of the great things about recovery, I dont have ot act on my feelings any more, I can do the next right thing, even if it doesn't feel right. And, feelings aint facts! Oh, and thanks for your post to my blog today, I replied... I know how you're viewed in some circles and I hate it, and disagree strongly with it.

Hang in there my friend, you're right, this too shall pass,a nd you'll get ot the bottom of it!


You / Me....a team lately.

Anonymous said...

Isolation does feel safe sometimes... Most times. I'm trying to break out of it and into unfamiliar territory...

New mantra: If it feels uncomfortable, it's probably because it's healthy!

Anonymous said...

hang in there, dave. it was good to see you today.

AAwoken said...

It will pass indeed. Be well.

Anonymous said...

Dave, telling on yourself is usually the best way to stay in the sunlight.

You say For absolutely no reason that I know of. , people of our type are just wired different. Think about all those years of "drinking your emotions away", I think it's a way for your mind to process very old stuff that we wouldn't allow in way back when.

That stuff never disappears and it has to be processed. Sounds like you got your finger on it at least.

Don't beat yourself up though, that doesn't work out very well :)

with love and respect-

Anonymous said...

Dave i can STILL feel all those things. doing intensive study after a long period of normal work life brings me VERY much in touch with my inadequacies. in fact ALL really GOOD things in our lives make us question whether we deserve it. i think your 'funk' is partly brought on by your aa 'success'. i think the hayden thing is bringing it up too. deeply held beliefs of unworthiness. I speak from experience! the toughest 'teachers' i have had to deal with are the really GOOD things that have come into my life in recovery. trust me, this does not make you a freak, it is all part of the human condition. it can't be cured, only managed. put together a 'plan B' for the next time it 'hits'. and ask yourself what support you might need when it does. perhaps you need to ask people to tell you some good things about yourself. why not? its not a crime to ask! or perhaps just a hug? who knows. but put a game plan of some sort together, and try it out next time to see how well it works. not with the intention of removing it altogether, but to shorten the time spent 'suffering' to a minimum. sobriety is mostly creative problem solving i think.. (i find some of rhonda brittens ideas interesting on that front, i like her flexible shameless way of dealing with difficult feelings) i think she's pretty good. not great, but very good.
Plus, not working is a challenge because it's so easy to become isolated. Plus there is less structure to hang on to and that can create anxiety just on its own. It's not easy to figure these things out! You just have to keep trying different approaches till you find something that works.
See I'm postponing the library again!!!! Nothing changes! Hope you feel better soon, and better luck the next time this happens.

Carly said...

You are a good man and I wish we were in-person friends. But you'll never get me to Texas. :)