just chillin ...

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.

I don’t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I live in my own little world. But it’s OK. They know me here.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead’s.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?