A Much Bigger Problem

Drinking was only a symptom of the illness of addiction. For me, that holds sooooo true.

I drank almost every day for about 12,000 days and nights. That equates to more than 32 years. I pretty much thought I could stop if I needed to, but I could not conceive of a reason that I would ever need to stop. Drinking, and getting drunk, was me. It was literally a part of my make-up. It defined me as a person. It was my destiny, my fate. I would drink until I died.

I enjoyed it. I had a good job and career. I had money. I had many friends, all over the world. Why should I want to change all that? Oh, I had blackouts from time to time, but so what? I spent a couple of nights in jail during my lifetime, but so what? That happens to everyone. I didn't hurt anyone. I had a few car wrecks. Big deal. I was a safe driver, usually. I was healthy. I could go for days without eating and it had no effect on me. When I got hungry, I'd just drink a little more and get a full stomach. No problem.

But then it all started to unravel. A series of events occurred that took all of the fun out of my drinking. The main thing was, I met Hayden and fell in love. He told me I drank too much. He told me I was a copy of his uncle, who he had watched die from alcoholism. He asked me to cut down. I told him I didn't need to; I was OK. But things were happening that I did not like. I began abusing Hayden; the only person I ever loved. It got worse and happened more frequently. I could not stop doing it. I missed a couple of appointments, something that never happened because I'm so damn anal-retentive. I was drinking 18 hours every day and I knew this was not good. No one else did that. Finally he convinced me to slow down.

I tried to cut back a little. I couldn't do it. He asked me to stop. For a week. I couldn't do it. I could not stop for a friggin' day. Uh oh.

Fast forward to life in AA. I haven't had a drink for 20 months and 24 days. I no longer want to drink or need to drink. It's not a thought in my head anymore. I think I am recovered from drinking. But I have also learned that stopping drinking is only the beginning of trying to correct a much greater problem.

I don't think like a "normal" person. I have an addictive personality. I want to do anything that changes the way I feel, the way I think. AA offers a way to think differently, to act and behave differently. It offers ways to live a different life; a way to change a lifetime of bad habits and addictions. It made me aware of many character flaws and shows me how to combat those flaws. It shows me how to clean-up the wreckage I've made during those 32 years I didn't even realize existed.

It has changed my life completely - for the good. Many more changes can be in store for me and I will continue with AA to learn how to live sober. Living sober is new to me, I have never done that. That's the other part of this program of sobriety - learning how to live a good life without alcohol or drugs. Some people don't feel the need for this and that's fine for them. I need it. I don't want to be a sober and miserable person.

Thanks to what I have learned in AA, I am now happy, joyous and free. I have much more to learn if I stick around. Why change it if it works?

If it quits working, I can always start drinking again. Everybody enjoys being around a miserable person, right?