Boundaries

Pretty much, I've always been a "people pleaser."

Boy, has this caused me some problems. I hate to say NO. Those who get to know me must realize this because I am constantly being asked to do this, do that. I have always been the one to volunteer to do things even though my father tried to teach me the opposite. "Never volunteer to do anything", he said.

In sobriety they tell us to do service work. Work with others, help out around the center, clean ashtrays, lead meetings. So I do and I have. Some people see this and assume (correctly) that I will do anything they ask. I constantly give rides to those without transportation, usually during the day because most others are working. Just ask Dave, he'll take you. It seems like I go through an extra pack of cigarettes just about every day because people know I will give them one. Just ask, Dave, he'll give you one. One reason I got rid of my pick-up truck is because I cound not say NO to those wanting to use it. Just ask Dave, he'll do that for you.

Don't get me wrong. I love to be of help, be of service and do for others. But we also learn in sobriety to set boundaries. At least we are told to. I'm still learning how to do this. The few times I've been able to actually do it, then I feel guilty. I actually feel guilty for doing the right thing. Man! this is gonna take awhile!

The most important aspect about setting boundaries is this -- I can only set boundaries for me, not for you. I have no control - I am powerless - over your behaviour. But I do have control over how I react to your behaviour, how I respond to your needs.

When I can learn how to set my own personal boundaries without feeling guilt, more serenity follows.