Isolating

The past few days, I've been isolating.

All by myself.

I understand this is one of the many attributes of an addictive personality. Especially alcoholics and drug-addicts. For those of us in recovery, isolating can be deadly. It presents chances to use again, if only because there is no one around to witness our behavior. And once we use again, all recovery bets are off.

I have always thought of myself as a loner. I enjoy my own company. I am very independent until a boyfriend comes into my life at which time I become very co-dependent.

At the age of 50, one might assume that I would have some, or at least a few, friends with whom I go out and do stuff. WRONG! All of my gay buddies died in the 80's and 90's. I went overseas for 5 years, returning in 1994. When I came back to Houston, I hung out at a straight bar (Griff's, The Bar, see January 16)). I had virtually no gay life any more, almost (see Really Anonymous, January 26)). My drinking went out of control and I joined AA and stopped drinking 17 months ago. I no longer have straight friends and all my friends are gay AA'ers. That in itself is great. I imagine that I know 200 people in AA by their first name. Last names aren't important; Anonymous, you know. I'm pretty well-known at the AA center I hang out at and have all these friends there- as long as I am actually there. But I have found that once I walk outside the doors, I am alone, pretty much. There are 2 exceptions here - my sponsor and Scott. I am intentionally leaving them out of this otherwise this blog will make less sense than it already does.

So my last boyfriend relationship didn't work out. It lasted all of two weeks before my character defects took over and ended things abruptly. It would have been so wonderful to have a friend to hang out with; someone who would welcome me in his home at any time and vice versa. Someone to go places with. I have been pretty much without that for 20 years. So when that ended, I began feeling sorry for myself and rejected and depressed that I am half-a-century-old and have no real friends. That has quickly led to isolating. I am aware of this and want it to stop NOW! I really don't mind spending 22 hours every day alone if I am doing it for the right reason. But I am doing it to stay away from people instead of doing it to be by myself.

Scott got me out of the house yesterday for an hour and that was a big help, a start. Today, I hope I can find a reason to do that again, with someone. But I have to ask them because I have learned that none of the 200 people I know by first name will not ask me. My feeling is that by asking someone to do something, I am imposing on their life because I am needy. So I have actually become afraid to talk to anyone. I have never had this feeling before; it's new to me and now I have something else to deal with.

I hate this disease.

But I know the treatment and that it works. I just have be willing to take the medicine.