I drank for 32 years because I'm an alcoholic. As I look back on those years, I believe that one of my motivations to drink was to find acceptance from others. Didn't matter who they were. I found that acceptance in bars. Thousands of bars in dozens of countries. When I didn't find the acceptance I needed or wanted, it didn't matter because I drowned the rejection in booze. I couldn't feel the pain as much.
So now I'm sober for 19 months. I don't go to bars any more. But I still feel a need for acceptance and there are times when I don't feel it. No more drowning the pain. Now I have to deal with it and I don't do that very well. Today is one of those days.
I try to do what the program tells me to do: go to meetings, do service work, pray. I have done all those today. I just feel worse. I figured out that in addition to the 15 or 16 meetings I attend each week, I put in an additional 10-20 hours of active service work. That's like a full-time job. That's what I have made my sobriety.
The other thing I'm supposed to do is make phone calls to other recovering "friends" in the program. I haven't done that. I don't feel like doing that because of my fear of more rejection. I don't want to impose my problems on other people who actually have a life. I feel miserable; who'd wanna be around me right now anyway?
The problem with telling others how I feel is this -- if I tell them and they ask me to do something socially, I'll feel like they are only asking me because I am a charity case. I don't want that for me nor them. So basically I'm damned if I say anything and damned if I don't. An interesting quandary I've put myself in.
It is an absolutely gorgeous day in Houston -- 72 degrees, not a cloud in the sky. Couldn't be more beautiful. And here I sit inside at this silly computer, with some silly movie on across the room, with nothing to do and no one to do it with. I'm 51 years old and feel like I don't have a friend in the world. Pretty sad, huh? Not much recovery going on here today. But -- and this is important -- I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY. I have no desire to drink because of the incredible sober foundation I have built over the past 19 months.
Boy, do I have a long way to go or what?
4 comments:
I wish I could say some wonderful pearls of wisdom that could make things easier for ya but alas, I don't. I apologize for that. I hope, tho, that the ick feeling passes soon.
Oh wow HP, thats pretty much how I'm feeling today. A beautiful day and I'm stuck infront of this PC for company. Youre not alone in that. I think theres a lot in what Jim says, it depresses me to think I'll always be recovering. I want to beat this and move on. Thinking of you ;-)
AA helps us to find a way not to drink. Then, in sobriety, we have an opportunity to make our lives more meaningful and enjoyable. It doesn't happen overnight. Sometimes we may need outside help to deal with specific issues. As sober people in recovery we can recognize that need and find the courage to seek it out. As alcoholics it was all too easy for us to ignore our real problems, declare "the hell wth it!", and drink instead. Hang in there. Remember that one of our purposes in life is to enjoy the experience. Look for the enjoyment in sober activities with friends who share your commitment to recovery. And, above all, don't give up five minutes before the miracle.
26 years without a drink, sober in AA all the time. Yes, there is life after alcohol if you are open to it and searching for it
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