Those Last Days

I had been so unhappy for months. My relationship with Hayden had been worsening daily. We still lived together and talked. We did things together, but I was always drinking. I was spending 8-10 hours each day at the bar. When not at the bar, I was home - drinking. Hayden wanted to enjoy life; that's hard to do with a drunk. So he did what he had to do and got around more on his own and with others. I always missed him and wanted him with me, but drinking was more important.

By the time of my last drunk, he had moved out. he just couldn't take the verbal abuse any more. We still talked or saw each other every day though. Love was still there but he couldn't bear to see me spiraling down the drain and I simply could not stop drinking. I had been going to AA meetings for 3 months, but continued to drink. In fact, I drank more than ever. The voices inside my head were louder than ever. I cried. I cried every day and night.

Then one day and through that night, I hit my bottom. That incomprehensible demoralization that the Big Book of AA tells us about. It could get no worse for me. Either stop drinking or die. One had to happen - and soon. For 3 days after that last terrible drunk, I was in a daze. I know I went to AA meetings but have no recollection of anything else. I drank a few drinks each of those days but did not get drunk. I was just drinking from habit. On Thursday, September 4, 2003 at a noon meeting of AA, it happened. Forty-five minutes into the meeting as I sat listening, it happened. I asked my Higher Power; God (as I understood Him at that time) to help me. And it happened. Just like that. In less than a second of time, it happened. The obsession, the craving, the absolute need to drink was removed from me. Just like that. I knew it. There could be no doubt. It was total. Complete. The feeling was physical, emotional, spiritual.

I knew I never had to feel that way again. I had been liberated from alcohol. For the remainder of that day, I told people what had happened. Of course, few understood, except for Don K. We had coffee together that afternoon. That night I was alone, without Hayden and before I went to bed, I opened a beer from the fridge. I knew in my heart that this would be my last drink. I didn't really want it, but I made it a symbol as a passing of my former life. I got through half of that beer and then poured the rest down the sink. It was midnight.

When I woke up the next morning, I began a new life. September 5, 2003. My sobriety date.