I seem to be refining my ability to be alone. When I drank, it was no big deal. I would go to the bar to be by myself. I just liked being alone, with others around. In sobriety, the bar scene is not an option for me. So I just stay home alone with my cats.
I am going through another "valley" of isolation. It's a very tangible feeling for me, this being the fourth time I've felt this way in the past 2 1/2 years.
I have always had trouble making friends. Friends, at least, to hang out with. I know many people. People I like and who may even like me. But rarely has anyone been in my life that I do things with. So I've learned to enjoy being alone. Being with me.
But then there are times when I want to be with people. That's when the trouble starts. I haven't developed those few friendships during the good times so that they are there during the bad times. In my many attempts to over-analyze this, it seems that I want to have friends on my terms. I don't want them around when I want to be by myself, but they should be there at my beck and call, on a moments notice.
Apparently, that's not how it works.
I can only go to so many AA meetings every day. I've told you previously that I'm pretty well-known at my recovery center of choice. I spend 3-5 hours there every day. But when I leave there, I'm alone. Those people have a life and friends they hang out with. My feeling is that if they wanted me around, they would let me know. I feel like I'm imposing on people if I call them, even just to say hello. So the phone is off-limits. I am not able to invite myself to go eat or go to a movie with people. I have literally been standing in a group of recovering alkies who were all going to eat breakfast after a meeting. They all left me standing there, alone. This has been my "trigger" twice to re-enter that valley of isolation. I'm too afraid to take the necessary action. So I get what I deserve. I've pretty much given up on having close friends and an intimate relationship is out of the question. Why would anyone choose to be with someone who chooses to be alone 18+ hours every day?
This too shall pass. It always does.