Large Tony got me to thinking. Thinking about the days, no, the years I spent trolling the bars. Mostly bars outside the USA. Places I lived and places I visited from 1988 - 2002. Something like 29 countries.
I'm only now realizing how scared I am -- of people. I suppose I always have been. That's where alcohol came in handy. I loved going to new and different bars. I would get a beer and just stand back in a corner or hang out at the end of the bar. Out of the way. Away from anyone whenever possible. Lord help me if I actually had to speak to a human.
I'd check out the way the place was decorated. See the pictures; are they real or just prints? Look at all the neon signs. What was the bar made out of? Wood? Laminated? Old? New? How about the floor? Carpet, wood or tile? Clean? Dirty? How about the ceiling? They usually were filthy with nicotine stains. Those were my favorite kind. How many beer taps? What kinds of beers and ales? What types of liquor did they have? Cheap or the good stuff? I looked at all these things just about everywhere I went. Of course, I was always checking out the cutomers too, if there were any. I stayed away from the good looking guys, especially if it was a gay bar. Why would they want me anywhere near them? Often I would just have a drink or two, then move on. There was always another bar. Maybe someone would talk to me - somewhere else. So I'd wander down the street or across town to the next place. Make absolutely no effort to speak to anyone. Leave an hour later thinking how stuck up all these people are.
This was my way of life for most of 15 years. My last 15 years. I finally met someone (who initiated the friendship). Someone who not only talked to me, but cared for and about me. Someone I fell in love with. After a year of putting up with my alcoholic behavior, he could not take it any more. Wonder why?
That is when I finally hit my bottom. The turning point.
My time of incomprehensible demoralization.
Today I am grAAteful ...
... that I don't have to do those things or feel that way ANY MORE!
... that I stopped drinking before I stopped breathing
... that we got Mom moved yesterday to a Skilled Nursing Facility, 32 days after her strokes
JUST BECAUSE LIFE HAS BEEN PAINFUL SO FAR DOES NOT MEAN IT HAS TO KEEP HURTING.
10 comments:
I don't think I've ever been inside a bar that didn't have it's own unique personality and I usually end up hiding in the corners of those places too. Fortunately I've outgrown the bar scene.
That is wonderful news about your mom!
Beautifully put.
I still say the fastest way there is out Memorial to Woodway, then turn before 2nd Baptist and come in from the side.
You know what - I never really cared what the place looked like as long as I was getting drunk.
That is a great post dAAve and made me think and we all know what happens when I do that.
I see you,
JJ
thanks for reminding me of my nightly excursion, making "the loop" around JR's and SantaFe. It's hard to hit a moving target! Thanks for sharing your perspective. I was talking with someone about this the other day. I think it's about LEARNING how to socialize. I practice at events like the Round Up! Glad to hear about your mom. peace.
Ok, I didn't care
pat - that is one point on which we disagree (imagine that LOL).
For me (and I only speak for me), I need to remember those bad times. It increases my gratitude each day to remember where I was and how far I've come. If I forget my history, I may be doomed to repeat it.
That's just me, though. Love ya.
What a wonderful post and comments. When I was a young woman, I would sit my young self at a bar and men would buy me drinks, and then sidle up to me for conversation. I would usually say something charming like "get f---d", they would be shocked because I looked so young and innocent. By the end of the night, no one had any illusions that I was young and innocent - when I was covered with vomit, urine, whatever. I find that it is vital for me to remember those times. I need to keep it fresh in my mind why it is that I am in Alcoholics Anonymous and why I do all this stuff! Also, my life can sometimes seem like it stinks until I remember what it used to be like. then I get grateful real quick!
I've changed my title to CreAAtive Intelligence
Glad the move went ok and your mom is now settled. No doubt knowing that Pat is in a nice place will be a huge weight off yours and Lisa's shoulders.
As for the comment re your visits to bars ... what can I say that I haven't already said!!
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