Friday, November 04, 2005

TV Guide

Things you would never know without television ...

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

Even when someone is driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally, at that precise moment.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

5 comments:

NMAMFQLMSH said...

Interesting post dAAve. We must be on the same wave length. I got into bed and randomly watch tv last night. You know - going from channel to channel - mindlessly. Anyway long story short - this morning I though about writing about what I saw. But your list is much better.
Peace,
JJ

GodlessMom said...

Great list!

Hannen said...

I can tell you watch way to much TV.

Shannon said...

ahhahahahha I love it... its sooo funny its true... ahahhahahha

muylajuana said...

My God! Where has all this info been all the years I've needed it? Especially about the wire to cut in a bomb. That's really handy.