Monday, January 23, 2006

Isolating with others


I hate being an isolator. But I guess I don't hate it enough because I continue to do it.

Another wasted weekend. With the exception of going to 4 meetings and answering Intergroup phones on Saturday and Sunday, I just tucked myself away in my cozy little home and didn't talk to a soul. I forced myself to ask Scott and Ricardo to sit with me through a quick dinner before going to a meeting Saturday night. Once there, I was in too much fear to speak to anyone.
I get depressed because I tell myself that no one would want to hang around me when I feel like this. And I feel like this because no one wants to be around me. I get these feelings of rejection and that this will never change. For the rest of my life, I will be alone. I can go to AA meetings until the day I die, but no one will ever want to know me outside the front door. I won't call anyone because I know they don't want me to bother them. I am just a miserable person to be around.

I hate being an isolator. But I guess I don't hate it enough because I continue to do it.

6 comments:

Mary Christine said...

Please don't be so hard on yourself.
"Hold your face up to the light, even though for the moment you do not see."
As Bill Sees It. p.3

AAwoken said...

You are attached to isolation. YOu need to examine why you hold on to it. Whe you find out, the attachment will drop.

Scott W said...

If I wrote this post and you read it, what would advice would you give me? I'd like an answer please.

Kenny said...

We all get like that. Look at me!

Shannon said...

Daave.. you are being too tough on yourself... I think we all suffer from social retardation... some more than others... I am now not so fearfull... dont listen to yourself when you tell yourself that noone will want to hang with you when you are like this... practice, getting out of your head, remember it can be a dangerous neighborhood in there, and you wouldnt go into a dangeroud neighborhood by yourself now would you???

I just dig ya and I know all of us do... hang in there Daave...

Liz/craftylady said...

Only wish I lived nearer to you to be able to 'hang out with you'.