Sunday, January 08, 2006

Why I'll Always Be Alone

I've been doing pretty well lately, emotionally. No isolating.

Then, yesterday morning, my trigger was pulled. In an AA meeting, no less. It was the topic of the meeting that did it too. We talked about The Fellowship. The WE of the program. How I get drunk; We stay sober. etc, etc, etc...

Every time I hear this talked about, it reminds me that I have no friends that I hang out with. Rarely in my life have I had friends that I hang out with. I had plenty of "friends" in the bars. But when I walked out the front door, I was alone.

I feel it's the same way in sobriety. I spend a lot of time at my recovery center. I know well over one hundred people there. When I'm there, I have friends. When I walk out the front door, I am alone. Alone until I return there.

There are a few exceptions. Scott W. is one. We ocasionally get together and eat or go shopping for something. That's about it though. And Scott stays pretty busy, so we don't get together very often. I also know that if I want things to be different, I have to take action. I am fully aware of the tools I've heard in recovery.

But my mind tells me that no one really wants to hang out with me. Why would they waste their time on me? I have nothing to offer them. Once anyone spends 30 minutes with me, they'll find any reason to get the hell away. An example happened last night. Scott and another friend asked me to join them for coffee after the 8pm meeting. I wanted to go, but declined because I felt they were only asking me to be polite; they didn't really want me there. I'm afraid to take the initiative myself for fear of more rejection. My perception is that I've been rejected all my life and it's never going to change. The other part of this problem is this: I can't tell any of my "friends" this. If I do, they may ask me to do something with them. Then I'll just feel like a charity case. They are only asking so I won't feel left out. But they would really rather not have me around. For those old enough to know this term, it's a Catch-22 situation for me.

It's a fucked up dilemma; one that I feel so much more in sobriety. I can't just drink it away. There is a solution. It's in the steps of AA. I've tried to just "turn this over" to my HP for two years. I continue to pray about it often and ask my HP to take away the defects of character that produce these feelings. Certainly, my attitude towards the fellowship and fellowshipping in AA do not serve His will. And yes, my sponsor and I have spoken about this at length. He continues to remind me that when I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, maybe then I will make the necessary changes. Until then, nothing changes until it changes.

I just needed to get this out in the open. I am at a point where I feel there's nothing to lose and maybe one of my far-away friends in recovery will have experience, strength and hope to offer.


Mary Christine said...

My disease will take any opportunity to tell me that I am not good enough, or that people don't like me, etc. It has been doing that lately. But I have to remind myself that it is the disease talking.


I think it took A LOT just for you to write this post.
dAAve if I was down there I'd be ringing your phone off the wall and you'd be telling me to go away.
I see you,

Scott W said...

We are our own worst enemy. We tell ourselves shit that no one else would tell us. We think lower of ourselves than others think of us.

The Big Book tells us...we ask God to remove our fears and redirect our thinking.

This is a big issue for you and one that will take some work. The good thing is that you are acknowledging it. You also have some other stuff that works in your favor, one of the biggest one is that there are many that love you. And of course there is your Higher Power that only wants the best for you.

Stop being your own worst enemy and critic. Unless you don't want to.

AAwoken said...

You wrote my story...I feel ya dAAve. I too pray but so far to no avail. I try and open my heart and leave the rest to God.

Trudging said...

Yeah, I hear you about isolation. Keep trudging

Anonymous said...

I went through an awful lonely period in my early recovery - after the meetings full of good people and good feelings, we'd go for coffee and then everyone would split and go their merry ways to their families / spouses / kids, or whoever, while I'd go home to my lonely apartment.
I found that going for coffee with people in the program who were single and didn't have kids helped, and they weren't usually in a rush to leave - made some beautiful friendships that way. After a while we naturally started going places with them, planning get togethers and such.
Outside of the program was a different story. I found myself sitting at home one evening horribly lonely and I realized that no social gathering was going to come to me, I had to get out more. So I even tried going to bars, not drinking but just for the social aspect and found I really had no business there - people made less sense the more they drank.
So I started dating and attending events I enjoyed, such as art gallery show openings, sporting events, and concerts. It helped alot, and so did working with other alcoholics, especially doing service work for our local AA committies.
There's probably no magic panaceia for it, but service work and hanging out with people in the program who were single helped me lots! I met more people by going to meetings and groups that I didn't usually attend, across town and such.
You're obviously a good man dave. Hey, I like you and we've never even met! I hope the loneliness gets replaced by people and activities you love.
- Bo.

Anonymous said...

Someting else that also really helped me were online meetings and coffee-shop type recovery chatrooms - those were great especially late at night. Some of them were'nt too active, but I found a couple that were always active at that time and I had some memorable laughs that I still remember today, and some good sharing too. Invaluable, those chatrooms, at least for me they were.
- Bo.

Shannon said...

Well Hey Daave! I just love you... I love you point of view and sense of humor, and if we lived in the same town together you would definatly hang out with us...

I completely and totally undstand about the being "alone" feeling. I went through that for years in recovery. I would have a blast at meetings, and functions, and then go home, sometimes that would be ok, and sometime I would get that alone feeling.

What started for me, was putting myself out there. As scary as it was, and NO expectations...
I would invite people back to my place for a movie after the Friday 8. Or Invite a bunch of people out to coffee after. Or to go bowling.Haang in there Daave,,,, you are soo loved you are you are you are!

craftylady said...

You do have friends you just don't realise it.

dAAve said...


Thanks very much for all the comments and suggestions. I know I'm not unique. I know these feelings will pass; they always do. I'm still amazed that even when I'm feeling sorry for myself and whining, I have absolutely NO desire to have a drink. For that I am so very, very grateful.

note: After my 9:30am meeting, I spent all day Sunday at home alone (painting the living room). LOL

Grace said...

Thanks so much dAAve for letting me know I am not the only one who feels this way, you said it so much better than I could :-)