I've been doing pretty well lately, emotionally. No isolating.
Then, yesterday morning, my trigger was pulled. In an AA meeting, no less. It was the topic of the meeting that did it too. We talked about The Fellowship. The WE of the program. How I get drunk; We stay sober. etc, etc, etc...
Every time I hear this talked about, it reminds me that I have no friends that I hang out with. Rarely in my life have I had friends that I hang out with. I had plenty of "friends" in the bars. But when I walked out the front door, I was alone.
I feel it's the same way in sobriety. I spend a lot of time at my recovery center. I know well over one hundred people there. When I'm there, I have friends. When I walk out the front door, I am alone. Alone until I return there.
There are a few exceptions. Scott W. is one. We ocasionally get together and eat or go shopping for something. That's about it though. And Scott stays pretty busy, so we don't get together very often. I also know that if I want things to be different, I have to take action. I am fully aware of the tools I've heard in recovery.
But my mind tells me that no one really wants to hang out with me. Why would they waste their time on me? I have nothing to offer them. Once anyone spends 30 minutes with me, they'll find any reason to get the hell away. An example happened last night. Scott and another friend asked me to join them for coffee after the 8pm meeting. I wanted to go, but declined because I felt they were only asking me to be polite; they didn't really want me there. I'm afraid to take the initiative myself for fear of more rejection. My perception is that I've been rejected all my life and it's never going to change. The other part of this problem is this: I can't tell any of my "friends" this. If I do, they may ask me to do something with them. Then I'll just feel like a charity case. They are only asking so I won't feel left out. But they would really rather not have me around. For those old enough to know this term, it's a Catch-22 situation for me.
It's a fucked up dilemma; one that I feel so much more in sobriety. I can't just drink it away. There is a solution. It's in the steps of AA. I've tried to just "turn this over" to my HP for two years. I continue to pray about it often and ask my HP to take away the defects of character that produce these feelings. Certainly, my attitude towards the fellowship and fellowshipping in AA do not serve His will. And yes, my sponsor and I have spoken about this at length. He continues to remind me that when I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, maybe then I will make the necessary changes. Until then, nothing changes until it changes.
I just needed to get this out in the open. I am at a point where I feel there's nothing to lose and maybe one of my far-away friends in recovery will have experience, strength and hope to offer.