Sometimes, I hate fessin' up to y'all. I'd much rather write something sweet and pretty and make you think and say, "Wow! That dAAve has got this recovery thing down pat. He does everything by the book. The Big Book." Well, pardner, it just ain't that way all the time. And if I don't talk about it, well, that would be like, well, like old behavior.
The truth is, the past few days I've been fighting off my worst defect, isolation. The difference this time is that I've been doing it in public instead of sitting at home.
Once again, as has been the case so often during my lifetime, I wonder why anyone would want to have me around. I have no life; I'm no fun to be with; I can't bring anything positive to a group of people, so I should just leave all of you alone and stay out of the way.
Being sober and having a few tools, I know what I am supposed to do when I have these feelings. Pray to my HP to do His will, not mine. Relieve me of the bondage of self. Talk to my sponsor about it. [dAAve to self, "He's heard this so many times already, he'll tell me again what I need to do. Besides, I just don't want to bother him about it again."] And I don't want to bother anybody else either. Why would I? That would just play into the way I feel about having no life and being no fun to be around.
OK. I've prayed. A lot. I have not talked to my sponsor about it. [bad boy, dAAve] What I have done is put myself out there. I've been staying especially busy trying to do service work and being amongst the fellowship of other drunks in recovery. But I am a professional isolator and can be by myself in a crowd just as easily as when I'm home alone. But if I have learned nothing else during my time in recovery, it is that as long as I continue practicing the steps and using my tools ...
This too shall pass.
UPDATE: About 20 minutes after posting this, my sponsor called me (at 7:10am on a Sunday). I fessed up and he told me what I needed to hear. It works when you work it.