Sunday, May 14, 2006

Confession

Sometimes, I hate fessin' up to y'all. I'd much rather write something sweet and pretty and make you think and say, "Wow! That dAAve has got this recovery thing down pat. He does everything by the book. The Big Book." Well, pardner, it just ain't that way all the time. And if I don't talk about it, well, that would be like, well, like old behavior.

The truth is, the past few days I've been fighting off my worst defect, isolation. The difference this time is that I've been doing it in public instead of sitting at home.

Once again, as has been the case so often during my lifetime, I wonder why anyone would want to have me around. I have no life; I'm no fun to be with; I can't bring anything positive to a group of people, so I should just leave all of you alone and stay out of the way.

Being sober and having a few tools, I know what I am supposed to do when I have these feelings. Pray to my HP to do His will, not mine. Relieve me of the bondage of self. Talk to my sponsor about it. [dAAve to self, "He's heard this so many times already, he'll tell me again what I need to do. Besides, I just don't want to bother him about it again."] And I don't want to bother anybody else either. Why would I? That would just play into the way I feel about having no life and being no fun to be around.

OK. I've prayed. A lot. I have not talked to my sponsor about it. [bad boy, dAAve] What I have done is put myself out there. I've been staying especially busy trying to do service work and being amongst the fellowship of other drunks in recovery. But I am a professional isolator and can be by myself in a crowd just as easily as when I'm home alone. But if I have learned nothing else during my time in recovery, it is that as long as I continue practicing the steps and using my tools ...

This too shall pass.

UPDATE: About 20 minutes after posting this, my sponsor called me (at 7:10am on a Sunday). I fessed up and he told me what I needed to hear. It works when you work it.

12 comments:

tbiscuit said...

Wow, it made me feel good to read that, Dave. I'm just like that. Especially the part about sharing it with the sponsor- "I know what he's going to tell me, what's the point?"

Yet it always makes a difference.

It's so good to know people who have the same struggles I do. Thanks!

-t

AAwoken said...

Just do the things you hate. Pick the phone and tlak to someone. Go up to a stranger and initiate a conversation. Soon it will all be second nature.

All growth comes from painful experience. (Maybe not totally true but it sounds good)

Scott W said...

I can be there, standing next to someone having a conversation, and be totally isolated. It's about giving yourself to the other person. Really being present.

I know that when you look at your isolation in sobriety, it looks a lot different than it did when you were drinking (and at the same time a lot the same). You always have to respect where you've come from, the important work you have done.

The original 100 AAs were just glad to be sober. We have raised the bar and want to be recovered from EVERYTHING. Sometimes it's good to just recognize that simple fact that we are sober, and if that's all we have, then that is enough.

NMAMFQLMSH said...

I've been isolating too but that is just because I am afraid I'll melt like the wicked witch of east because it's raining so frigg'n hard.
I see you,
JJ
PS: I'm glad your sponser called you.

Scott said...

dAAve, I can totally relate to how you're feeling. I too can be all alone in a group of family or friend, even at a meeting. You're exactly right when you say that this too shall pass. Just keep putting yourself out there, do some sharing when you can, a little writing, soul searching to see why you're isolating. There is a reason... there's always a reason. And hey, if nothing else, you've got me to look forward to! (ok, so that's a little anti-climactic) but still... I am really excited to meet up with you!

hang in there and keep going...

Mary Christine said...

This too shall pass.

Mr. H.K. said...

.... So work it! You're worth it!

Trudging said...

I am glad that you fessed up Dave.

Daily Piglet said...

Thanks for fessin' up, I suffer from isolation-escape myself. And, like many others that commented, I can feel isolated in a room full of people. For me, it's another way to disconnect and not be fully present.

You seem to be a great guy from what I can tell on from your blog. And, you have an awesome sense of humor that I always look forward to.

Knock those negative thoughts out of your head, they don't come from a good place.

Da Gal said...

keep on fessing - it helps people like me

jackhampster said...

My first step away from Isolation was to blog... and though it sometimes feels like I'm typing gibberish into my computer.... you are one of the people that keeps me typing away...

sdRay said...

My name is Ray and I just started a new blog about the confession. Its a place where you can chat about the confession confidentially. I hope you will come and check out www.MySecretConfessionSpace.com. Thanks for letting me post on your site.