Sunday, September 03, 2006

Certainly not perfection

It happened.

Those damn character defects. For days before Hayden came to visit almost a week ago, I was nervous about some of my worst behavioral thinking returning, not to mention poor behavior too. With 3 years of AA under my belt, those defects had pretty much disappeared, but nothing had happened during those 3 years to awaken them.

For the first 4 days all was great. I no longer felt jealous or possessive. I told him about those feelings and that I had no right to ever be possessive and no reason to be jealous. But that never stopped me before. Anyway, it seemed as if my HP might have actually removed them or at least stored them away where I couldn't bring 'em out.

But yesterday morning, control raised its ugly head. I wanted to control what Hayden did and when he did it. Who he saw and when he saw them. These thoughts came up before I could even see it. Just appeared on the scene. I was totally aware of the feelings and it made me very very very uncomfortable.

I lost my serenity.

I went to my regular 8:30am meeting and the topic (of course) was about serenity and how to regain it when we lose it. I listened. I listened very closely. There were a lot of very relevant things shared. I heard about acceptance. I began easing off on myself. I was reminded about being powerless over the actions of others. That made me feel a bit better. Someone said to Live and Let Live. Ahhh yes. Live and Let Live. Good one. Peggy shared (as if she were talking directly to me) about feelings of worthlessness. For no reason, I had these feelings. That they were only in my head; not real. How did she know?

I left the meeting feeling better. My sponsor called a few minutes after that meeting to say HI and I fessed up. I told him how I had felt; was feeling. He understood because he knows me so well. He understood because he's felt the same feelings too. I went home and I told Hayden the truth. Exactly how I was feeling and why. I told him how hard I was trying to be the best I could be, but it didn't always work that way. He listened and he understood. We hugged; I cried a few tears.

And it was gone.
Almost like it never happened.


sera said...

Cool Dave. That's how it works for me too. Ego puncturing honesty is the way out of neurosis for me. The unflattering truth! The more humbling it is the better it works. I LOVE the emphasis that AA puts on ego deflation. Its the tops. I owe my serenity to the willingness to look like a fool in front of the people I care most about. I think its what makes the programme so powerful. Who knows. All I know is I did therapy and it just never deflated my ego as much as aa or 'life' did. Relationships are so precious because they show us where we are stuck. And for that they are a blessing. Growth is terribly unflattering isn't it? Seems to mostly consist of seeing ourselves do stuff we hate. Don't feel bad for being possessive. Its part of being human. Just a habit. Nothing more. Don't take your weaknesses so personally. As they say, 'We aren't responsible for what comes into our heads, but we ARE responsible for how we deal with them.' You did all the right things, so nothing more could be asked of you. I find myself thinking all sorts of things which are very much in opposition to what I think is best for me. No wonder they call it 'Monkey mind'. They really are just habits of the mind. And they lessen if we keep doing the next right thing, whether we want to or not. Well done Dave. You really aren't a bad person for having controlling or possessive tendencies. The true test of your character lies in the way you choose to deal with these tendencies on a daily basis. NOT on the random reactive thoughts your mind throws at you. I'm still having negative reactive thoughts over 15yrs later! I just try not to follow them blindly, or act out on them, that's all.

Scott W said...



You post touched home with me dAAve. I'm glad your senerity is back and my it stay forever. I love you bro and see you too.

Mary Christine said...

They say being in a relationship is like pouring "miracle grow" on your character defects. Good Job on Dealing with it!

recoveryroad said...

I'm digesting your post, Dave. In the meantime I've voted for you on 'Hot Or Not?' and I scored you a ...

Tab said...

I just love you Daave.. .
Thanks for sharing all your character with us here :0)

piglet said...

Dave, you are so awesome. I love it when you share from the heart and when you "tell on yourself".

That's such a gift to be able to do, and it works wonders on our recovery.

You are totally getting to the "exact nature of the wrong".

SCoUt said...

I continue to appreciate your honest, HUMAN, sharing.
You give me so very much and I am grateful for you.