Those damn character defects. For days before Hayden came to visit almost a week ago, I was nervous about some of my worst behavioral thinking returning, not to mention poor behavior too. With 3 years of AA under my belt, those defects had pretty much disappeared, but nothing had happened during those 3 years to awaken them.
For the first 4 days all was great. I no longer felt jealous or possessive. I told him about those feelings and that I had no right to ever be possessive and no reason to be jealous. But that never stopped me before. Anyway, it seemed as if my HP might have actually removed them or at least stored them away where I couldn't bring 'em out.
But yesterday morning, control raised its ugly head. I wanted to control what Hayden did and when he did it. Who he saw and when he saw them. These thoughts came up before I could even see it. Just appeared on the scene. I was totally aware of the feelings and it made me very very very uncomfortable.
I lost my serenity.
I went to my regular 8:30am meeting and the topic (of course) was about serenity and how to regain it when we lose it. I listened. I listened very closely. There were a lot of very relevant things shared. I heard about acceptance. I began easing off on myself. I was reminded about being powerless over the actions of others. That made me feel a bit better. Someone said to Live and Let Live. Ahhh yes. Live and Let Live. Good one. Peggy shared (as if she were talking directly to me) about feelings of worthlessness. For no reason, I had these feelings. That they were only in my head; not real. How did she know?
I left the meeting feeling better. My sponsor called a few minutes after that meeting to say HI and I fessed up. I told him how I had felt; was feeling. He understood because he knows me so well. He understood because he's felt the same feelings too. I went home and I told Hayden the truth. Exactly how I was feeling and why. I told him how hard I was trying to be the best I could be, but it didn't always work that way. He listened and he understood. We hugged; I cried a few tears.
And it was gone.
Almost like it never happened.