Monday, May 21, 2007

Isolation

The weather in Houston this past weekend was incredibly beautiful. I think they call it "Chamber of Commerce" weather. I took advantage of it the best I could, but would have loved to have been able to enjoy it more. I don't know how many more of these days I have left and can't afford to waste any. My HP does not want that either, I'm sure.

For me, it was a weekend of feeling unwanted. I made many attempts to put myself out there, but it just didn't work. I asked to be included in some volleyball action only to be told the wrong location and when I called 6 people to get new directions, got only voicemails. Not one of those people (in recovery) have called back yet. Later in the evening it became clear that our regular Saturday pre-AA meeting dinner was not going to happen because the regular participants were busy with their lives. I called someone else and was told (politely) that I was not welcome to join his group for dinner. So much for fellowship. So I ate a fast-food hamburger by myself.

I had Sunday plans to go watch softball with another friend. He called at the last minute to let me know he was going to the beach with other friends. There wasn't room for me to tag along. I would liked to have gone to eat with someone, but after being burned the previous night, was in fear of asking anyone. I ate at Hickory Hollow BBQ; by myself. And I spent much of the the day alone until Zane called and invited me to go look at new houses with him. He was a tremendous help in relieving me of the pain I was feeling. Thanks Zane.

It was the first time I have isolated since January. I guess I can be grateful for that because I used to isolate as often as not.
Something was different this time. I was completely aware of my feelings and spoke to my HP many times over the weekend about the crap going on in my head. I continually asked myself "what is different now than yesterday or last week?" There was no good answer, which led me to believe that it was simply my illness taking charge. I knew it would pass.


todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful

that I did not drink or feel the need to act out in other negative ways over the weekend AND that those feelings of being an unwanted nuisance have passed

for some occasional bouts of sanity

for words of hope from Hayden

for tears of gratitude in AA meetings

to hear Tom Z's short version of his life at the SNL meeting

for the good times and laughter at our little Lambda fundraiser, The Gaylywed Game

that Mary Christine completed the half-marathon just as she wanted to do it. The following phrase is there for you, MC ...

Winners have simply formed the habit of doing things losers don't like to do.
-Albert Gray

13 comments:

Pam said...

well darlin', I'm glad Zane called! You were probably of great service to him also. Just read yesterdays post....I loved it.

Mary Christine said...

Well, shee, I don't know anyone who wouldn't be upset by all that stuff. Please be gentle with my friend David. And thanks for your kind words. XXXOOO

Scott W said...

" I knew it would pass." That concept has saved my ass more times than I could ever remember.

There are very few times I am out of sorts regarding needing to be around others, and when that happens I don't think it's just coincidence. I usually have stuff going on that I need to look at all by myself. And it's often because I have that gigantic magnifying glass in my hand and am looking at stuff a little too closely.

craftylady said...

You only have to ring if you are feeling lonely.

lushgurl said...

What a relief to be making it through those crappy days huh? Lonely I know all too well! I had to fight my demons on Friday- ditched by my Angel, then told I wasn't needed to work, then missed my meeting in the PM....
Whew, much better today- even spoke to two humans in person this morning LOL
love and HUGS

Piglet said...

been there dave and it feels awful. knowing you walked through it sober and aware is the courage part.

you are awesome, and even a little sexy with that bike :)

Piglet said...

ok sorry for the 2nd posting but...

perhaps i fly there and bitch slap you? it could help :)

xoxo

Todd HellsKitchen said...

Thank God for clarity!

Syd said...

dAAve, I isolate a lot and also feel isolated. I'm not sure but I think sometimes that I give off an aura that says, "Leave me alone". I really don't want to do that because I really want to be a part of. Most often though, I'm not. I can remember feeling that way ever since I was a kid. I've learned that I need to stick my neck out and ask people. I do but when rejected, it can still smart. I'm glad that you realized that it wasn't about you but about them.

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

Love your gratitude and thankful lists especially the part that say, that I did not drink or feel the need to act out in other negative ways!

Meg Moran said...

damn I've had those weekends..no rhyme or reason, everyone has their own stuff going on and I hafta go eat worms. You're on the other side now...aren't we all? Love to you.

Redhead Gal said...

From where I sit, it was their loss, dAAve. I'm glad you didn't drink over it.

Clarity said...

What Meg said.