The weather in Houston this past weekend was incredibly beautiful. I think they call it "Chamber of Commerce" weather. I took advantage of it the best I could, but would have loved to have been able to enjoy it more. I don't know how many more of these days I have left and can't afford to waste any. My HP does not want that either, I'm sure.
For me, it was a weekend of feeling unwanted. I made many attempts to put myself out there, but it just didn't work. I asked to be included in some volleyball action only to be told the wrong location and when I called 6 people to get new directions, got only voicemails. Not one of those people (in recovery) have called back yet. Later in the evening it became clear that our regular Saturday pre-AA meeting dinner was not going to happen because the regular participants were busy with their lives. I called someone else and was told (politely) that I was not welcome to join his group for dinner. So much for fellowship. So I ate a fast-food hamburger by myself.
I had Sunday plans to go watch softball with another friend. He called at the last minute to let me know he was going to the beach with other friends. There wasn't room for me to tag along. I would liked to have gone to eat with someone, but after being burned the previous night, was in fear of asking anyone. I ate at Hickory Hollow BBQ; by myself. And I spent much of the the day alone until Zane called and invited me to go look at new houses with him. He was a tremendous help in relieving me of the pain I was feeling. Thanks Zane.
It was the first time I have isolated since January. I guess I can be grateful for that because I used to isolate as often as not. Something was different this time. I was completely aware of my feelings and spoke to my HP many times over the weekend about the crap going on in my head. I continually asked myself "what is different now than yesterday or last week?" There was no good answer, which led me to believe that it was simply my illness taking charge. I knew it would pass.
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that I did not drink or feel the need to act out in other negative ways over the weekend AND that those feelings of being an unwanted nuisance have passed
for some occasional bouts of sanity
for words of hope from Hayden
for tears of gratitude in AA meetings
to hear Tom Z's short version of his life at the SNL meeting
for the good times and laughter at our little Lambda fundraiser, The Gaylywed Game
that Mary Christine completed the half-marathon just as she wanted to do it. The following phrase is there for you, MC ...
Winners have simply formed the habit of doing things losers don't like to do.