When I was 9 months sober, I got to Step 9 with my sponsor.
Time to make some amends.
We had only identified 3 major amends that I needed to make with others. One of those was with Hayden, my partner (actually, ex-partner at the time). He was living back in Trinidad and we communicated very little. I had some very strong resentments toward him.
But, in good AA fashion with the help of my sponsor, I made those amends (via email). Also, true to form, I asked him what I could do to make right some or any of the wrongs I had done him during those drinking days. His response was simple. "Just don't treat me that way any more."
Hayden is back in Houston visiting for the first time. We make the decision to rekindle our relationship. I've changed. I have changed a lot. I have not, however, been in any intimate relationships since sober. My character defects come leaping out of hibernation. At first, very slowly. But as the months have progressed, new character flaws have emerged that I have never been aware of previously.
As I type this today, we are on the rebound (once again) and love each other more than ever. My craziness (insanity?) flourishes. My words and actions seem to bounce off him. He often points out to me that in spite of my behavior, he is still here and has no intention of leaving me.
My problem is this : I repeatedly break the amends I made to Hayden back in 2004. Those amends have become hollow words to me. For this, I am now beating myself up. It makes me wonder why I can't stay true to those amends. I know I'm not perfect; far from it. I know it's all about progress, not perfection. I also know I need to discuss this with my sponsor and most likely work some steps on this.