Saturday, December 24, 2005

whatEVER

I wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It isfreely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: no trees were harmed in the sending of this message however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

6 comments:

NMAMFQLMSH said...

Damn...I couldn't of said it better myself...lmfao.
Have a Great Christmas dAAve,
JJ
PS: I'm still seeing you

Mary Christine said...

Sounds like it could come from my workplace.

Merry Christmas from Mary Christine.

DayvudD said...

Good to see you tonite... dispite a tad bit of drama.

Have a merry ___________ and a happy _____________!

tbiscuit said...

ROFL! Merry Christmas, Dave- or in this case, Merry Day after Christmas.

-T

jonjon said...

Very funny! Reminds me of an excellent editorial I read today about the world since 9/11 [http://www.miami.com/mld/
-miamiherald/news/
-columnists/13487511.htm if you're interested] in which the author comments that "a large portion of this country appears more concerned that saying ''Happy Holidays'' could be a disguised attack on Christianity." Unfortunately this quote, while absurd, is not satirical like your post.

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