todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
for a growing ability to tell my Mom how it is -- sometimes I have to treat her the way one would a child and this is new for me (does this make sense?)
that tomorrow is Mom's 83rd birthday
to hear a raw story from a newly recovering addict
for a good lesson in tolerance from a 30-year recovering alkie
that I sometimes have more patience with life than I did 3 years ago
that we're making good progress with Lambda fundraisers (there is a lot of "behind the scenes" effort that goes unnoticed)
that today will see some major changes in the interior design of my home (a finished paint job, some new furniture)
to meet another addict in blogland, go by and pay her a visit -- girl addicted
We must have the courage to allow a little disorder in our lives.
-Ben Weininger
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Grateful for Serenity
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
to be slowly clearing Mom's home of 43 years worth of accumulations - One day at a time, one square foot at a time (she is a world-champion pack-rat)
for a very good and productive meeting with our CPA - 2 whole months before April 15
for oil & gas mineral rights
for the high price of oil & gas
that when I have questions about the family business, I have the professionals at hand that are only a phone call away AND I'm no longer afraid to make that phone call
for a 6:30am AA meeting about Happiness
that I can be sad AND happy at the same time -- this is what I call SERENITY
that when I am doing the best I can at whatever I'm doing (if it's the right thing), I am doing my HP's will
IF WE LOOK CLOSELY, WE WILL SEE THAT WE ARE GIVEN EVEN AMOUNTS OF BLESSINGS AND SORROWS.
Denial is Not a River in Egypt
to be slowly clearing Mom's home of 43 years worth of accumulations - One day at a time, one square foot at a time (she is a world-champion pack-rat)
for a very good and productive meeting with our CPA - 2 whole months before April 15
for oil & gas mineral rights
for the high price of oil & gas
that when I have questions about the family business, I have the professionals at hand that are only a phone call away AND I'm no longer afraid to make that phone call
for a 6:30am AA meeting about Happiness
that I can be sad AND happy at the same time -- this is what I call SERENITY
that when I am doing the best I can at whatever I'm doing (if it's the right thing), I am doing my HP's will
IF WE LOOK CLOSELY, WE WILL SEE THAT WE ARE GIVEN EVEN AMOUNTS OF BLESSINGS AND SORROWS.
Denial is Not a River in Egypt
$1,000,000,000.00
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion days ago no one walked on the earth on two feet.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
sent by jessie
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion days ago no one walked on the earth on two feet.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
sent by jessie
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
A Day for Love
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that my Mom accepts her limitations but continues to keep trying to get better
that in my early months in AA, I kept coming back and I didn't give up even though I had no desire to stop drinking
that although it took me 2 months into sobriety to get a sponsor, I finally did and he showed me the possibilities available to me in sobriety
that I am (so far) able to handle the responsibilities that have come my way as a result of my Mom's permanent illness
that it's Valentine's Day and I hope all of you to whom it is important can make it a special day
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
-Mother Teresa
that my Mom accepts her limitations but continues to keep trying to get better
that in my early months in AA, I kept coming back and I didn't give up even though I had no desire to stop drinking
that although it took me 2 months into sobriety to get a sponsor, I finally did and he showed me the possibilities available to me in sobriety
that I am (so far) able to handle the responsibilities that have come my way as a result of my Mom's permanent illness
that it's Valentine's Day and I hope all of you to whom it is important can make it a special day
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
-Mother Teresa
Valentine's Day - a History Lesson
Today is Valentine's Day. Although it is celebrated as a lovers' holiday today, with the g
iving of candy, flowers, or other gifts between couples in love, it originated in 5th Century Rome as a tribute to St. Valentine, a Catholic bishop.
For eight hundred years prior to the establishment of Valentine's Day, the Romans had practiced a pagan celebration in mid-February commemorating young men's rite of passage to the god Lupercus. The celebration featured a lottery in which young men would draw the names of teenage girls from a box. The girl assigned to each young man in that manner would be his sexual companion during the remaining year.
In an effort to do away with the pagan festival, Pope Gelasius ordered a slight change in the lottery. Instead of the names of young women, the box would contain the names of saints. Both men and women were allowed to draw from the box, and the game was to emulate the ways of the saint they drew during the rest of the year. Needless to say, many of the young Roman men were not too pleased with the rule changes.
Instead of the pagan god Lupercus, the Church looked for a suitable patron saint of love to take his place. They found an appropriate choice in Valentine, who, in AD 270 had been beheaded by Emperor Claudius.
Claudius had determined that married men made poor soldiers. So he banned marriage from his empire. But Valentine would secretly marry young men that came to him. When Claudius found out about Valentine, he first tried to convert him to paganism. But Valentine reversed the strategy, trying instead to convert Claudius. When he failed, he was stoned and beheaded.
During the days that Valentine was imprisoned, he fell in love with the blind daughter of his jailer. His love for her, and his great faith, managed to miraculously heal her from her blindness before his death. Before he was taken to his death, he signed a farewell message to her, "From your Valentine." The phrase has been used on his day ever since.
iving of candy, flowers, or other gifts between couples in love, it originated in 5th Century Rome as a tribute to St. Valentine, a Catholic bishop.For eight hundred years prior to the establishment of Valentine's Day, the Romans had practiced a pagan celebration in mid-February commemorating young men's rite of passage to the god Lupercus. The celebration featured a lottery in which young men would draw the names of teenage girls from a box. The girl assigned to each young man in that manner would be his sexual companion during the remaining year.
In an effort to do away with the pagan festival, Pope Gelasius ordered a slight change in the lottery. Instead of the names of young women, the box would contain the names of saints. Both men and women were allowed to draw from the box, and the game was to emulate the ways of the saint they drew during the rest of the year. Needless to say, many of the young Roman men were not too pleased with the rule changes.
Instead of the pagan god Lupercus, the Church looked for a suitable patron saint of love to take his place. They found an appropriate choice in Valentine, who, in AD 270 had been beheaded by Emperor Claudius.
Claudius had determined that married men made poor soldiers. So he banned marriage from his empire. But Valentine would secretly marry young men that came to him. When Claudius found out about Valentine, he first tried to convert him to paganism. But Valentine reversed the strategy, trying instead to convert Claudius. When he failed, he was stoned and beheaded.
During the days that Valentine was imprisoned, he fell in love with the blind daughter of his jailer. His love for her, and his great faith, managed to miraculously heal her from her blindness before his death. Before he was taken to his death, he signed a farewell message to her, "From your Valentine." The phrase has been used on his day ever since.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Charles & Camilla
As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.
When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen and Prince Phillip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."
The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast.
"Harder," Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
"I'm trying darling," the Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight."
"Come on ! Give it all you've got."
There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There ! That's it ! Oh that feels good ! Oh that feels SOOOO good."
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See ? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."
Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
"Oh, my God, darling ! This one's even tighter," exclaimed the heir to the throne.
At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said.
"That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy Man."
When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen and Prince Phillip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."
The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast."Harder," Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
"I'm trying darling," the Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight."
"Come on ! Give it all you've got."
There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There ! That's it ! Oh that feels good ! Oh that feels SOOOO good."
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See ? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."
Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
"Oh, my God, darling ! This one's even tighter," exclaimed the heir to the throne.
At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said.
"That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy Man."
Living the Steps of AA
I could not stop drinking by myself. I know that to be true because I tried. I tried many ways with a lot of motivation behind me. Couldn't stop. Stopping never lasted more than a day.
After 100+ meetings at Alcoholics Anonymous I heard the things I needed to hear. I read the things I need to read. And I was able to form a concept of a Higher Power. Then, and only then, was I able to muster the Courage to ask that Higher Power for help.
That is when I stopped drinking.
Today, 2 1/2 years later, I try my best to live by the 12 steps of AA. I use those steps NOT to treat my alcoholism. I use the steps of AA to treat my sobriety. I knew how to live drunk. I don't know how to live sober.
todAAy, i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that I remained sober throughout the weekend without once having a thought about drinking alcohol
that my mother turns 83 later this week
that she has accepted her health problems with grace and dignity
for slow progress made with the disposition of my Mom's home; this is very definitely a one day at a time project
for friends who are there to help me if only I ask
for the Hurricane Katrina evacuees who have made new lives for themselves in quietly finding employment and housing without waiting for the government to give it all to them
that I actually accepted an invitation to go to a private party over the weekend, I rarely do these things and I had a very nice time
for 7 other volunteers who helped do some much-needed cleaning at Lambda, our recovery center
for logistical and organizational progress made for our upcoming fundraiser
that my Higher Power makes my new life possible for me through my sobriety
Some people develop a wishbone where their backbone should be.
-Unknown
After 100+ meetings at Alcoholics Anonymous I heard the things I needed to hear. I read the things I need to read. And I was able to form a concept of a Higher Power. Then, and only then, was I able to muster the Courage to ask that Higher Power for help.
That is when I stopped drinking.
Today, 2 1/2 years later, I try my best to live by the 12 steps of AA. I use those steps NOT to treat my alcoholism. I use the steps of AA to treat my sobriety. I knew how to live drunk. I don't know how to live sober.
todAAy, i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that I remained sober throughout the weekend without once having a thought about drinking alcohol
that my mother turns 83 later this week
that she has accepted her health problems with grace and dignity
for slow progress made with the disposition of my Mom's home; this is very definitely a one day at a time project
for friends who are there to help me if only I ask
for the Hurricane Katrina evacuees who have made new lives for themselves in quietly finding employment and housing without waiting for the government to give it all to them
that I actually accepted an invitation to go to a private party over the weekend, I rarely do these things and I had a very nice time
for 7 other volunteers who helped do some much-needed cleaning at Lambda, our recovery center
for logistical and organizational progress made for our upcoming fundraiser
that my Higher Power makes my new life possible for me through my sobriety
Some people develop a wishbone where their backbone should be.
-Unknown
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Tagged by a bunch of drunks
Most of my HNT friends have already done this, so here goes ...
Four jobs I’ve had in my life
dishwasher in a cafeteria
middle school teacher / coach
office manager
technician on offshore seismic vessel
Four movies I can watch over and over
Blues Brothers
Lillies of the Field
Star Trek - The Motion Picture
Field of Dreams
Four places I have lived
St John's, Newfoundland
Dakar, Senegal
London, England
Capetown, S. Africa
Four TV shows I love to watch
Seinfeld
Dick van Dyke Show
Everybody Loves Raymond
60 Minutes
Four places I have been on vacation
Walvis Bay, Namibia
Dublin, Ireland
Copenhagen, Denmark
Munich, Germany
Four websites I visit daily
beliefnet.com
hot or not.com
attitude of gratitude.com
texandave.com
Four of my favorite foods
big, juicy hamburger
chicken fried steak
red beans and rice
chicken caesar salad
Four places I would rather be right now
nowhere else right now;
i'm right where i want to be
People I am tagging:
The hAAlf nAAked ThursdAAy bunch.
That means essentially all of you.
Four jobs I’ve had in my life
dishwasher in a cafeteria
middle school teacher / coach
office manager
technician on offshore seismic vessel
Four movies I can watch over and over
Blues Brothers
Lillies of the Field
Star Trek - The Motion Picture
Field of Dreams
Four places I have lived
St John's, Newfoundland
Dakar, Senegal
London, England
Capetown, S. Africa
Four TV shows I love to watch
Seinfeld
Dick van Dyke Show
Everybody Loves Raymond
60 Minutes
Four places I have been on vacation
Walvis Bay, Namibia
Dublin, Ireland
Copenhagen, Denmark
Munich, Germany
Four websites I visit daily
beliefnet.com
hot or not.com
attitude of gratitude.com
texandave.com
Four of my favorite foods
big, juicy hamburger
chicken fried steak
red beans and rice
chicken caesar salad
Four places I would rather be right now
nowhere else right now;
i'm right where i want to be
People I am tagging:
The hAAlf nAAked ThursdAAy bunch.
That means essentially all of you.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Health Insurance explanations
I mentioned yesterday that I need to invest in private health/medical insurance. I currently have no coverage. All these options and requirements for medical and health insurance. It's almost too much to comprehend. Here's a handy guide with some easy-to-understand explanations.
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q. I just signed up for Medical Insurance. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away, and a diploma from a Third World country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
OK. Now I think I'm beginning to better understand what I'm up against.
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q. I just signed up for Medical Insurance. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away, and a diploma from a Third World country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
OK. Now I think I'm beginning to better understand what I'm up against.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Dankbarkeit (eine liste)
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
for a laid back Thursday morning and fruitful Step 6 meeting with a sponsee
for the concept of AA sponsorship -- I KNOW I get more out of our meetings than he does
for an AA meeting centered around laughter
that when I pray at night just before cruising off to sleep, I sometimes laugh out loud (LOL) with my HP (Higher Power)
for a good old-fashioned Gratitude meeting at 6:30am today
that I no longer help Papa Del open the doors to The 611 Bar each morning @ 7am
that today, I cannot be perfect, but I can try to be excellent
THERE ARE TWO DAYS A WEEK YOU SHOULD NEVER WORRY ABOUT - YESTERDAY and TOMORROW.
"Denial is Not a River in Egypt"
for a laid back Thursday morning and fruitful Step 6 meeting with a sponsee
for the concept of AA sponsorship -- I KNOW I get more out of our meetings than he does
for an AA meeting centered around laughter
that when I pray at night just before cruising off to sleep, I sometimes laugh out loud (LOL) with my HP (Higher Power)
for a good old-fashioned Gratitude meeting at 6:30am today
that I no longer help Papa Del open the doors to The 611 Bar each morning @ 7am
that today, I cannot be perfect, but I can try to be excellent
THERE ARE TWO DAYS A WEEK YOU SHOULD NEVER WORRY ABOUT - YESTERDAY and TOMORROW.
"Denial is Not a River in Egypt"
Hot dog
If you're a man, this is why you should never allow your partner to cook dinner for you when he/she is mad at you.
If you're a woman, payback's a bitch.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy
Evolution
of
a
gay
alcoholic
age 16 @ 1970
through
age 33 @ 1987
see all the other nuts who are posting pix today
Moving Forward
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAankful
that Mom is so accepting of her situation AND is able to just let go of her home of the past 43 years
to have her seemingly complete trust in handling all her affairs
that my sister and I were able to salvage most of Mom's most valued belongings before they were stolen
to hear the short story in an AA meeting of a young man, new in sobriety, and how staying clean and sober has already changed his life as an airline pilot
for dinner with my sponsor - a very very rare occurence
that I can get so much accomplished every day, especially after 9am, which used to be my cut-off time so I could begin the drinking day
for all the hAAlf-nAAked thursdAAy bloggers posting pictues todAAy
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
-Mohandas Gandhi
that Mom is so accepting of her situation AND is able to just let go of her home of the past 43 years
to have her seemingly complete trust in handling all her affairs
that my sister and I were able to salvage most of Mom's most valued belongings before they were stolen
to hear the short story in an AA meeting of a young man, new in sobriety, and how staying clean and sober has already changed his life as an airline pilot
for dinner with my sponsor - a very very rare occurence
that I can get so much accomplished every day, especially after 9am, which used to be my cut-off time so I could begin the drinking day
for all the hAAlf-nAAked thursdAAy bloggers posting pictues todAAy
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
-Mohandas Gandhi
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Freedom to be Grateful
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
for some wise (through no fault of my own) financial investments that continue to grow
that I possess good health, especially since I currently have no health insurance
one of my goals this year is to invest in a health insurance program
that actually, I began that investment 2 years and 5 months ago when I stopped drinking
for a GREAT! 6:30am meeting today in which I was reminded that if I am practicing these principles in all my affairs, I will not want to drink. This, of course, refers to the Twelve Steps of AA.
for my fireplace, although living in Houston, I rarely get to use it
that a member of Lambda Center will be painting my 2-story staircase wall soon for a very reasonable fee
A.A. members told me that I would not only find a way to live without having a drink, but that I would find a way to live without wanting to drink.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, 4th edition, , page 549
for some wise (through no fault of my own) financial investments that continue to grow
that I possess good health, especially since I currently have no health insurance
one of my goals this year is to invest in a health insurance program
that actually, I began that investment 2 years and 5 months ago when I stopped drinking
for a GREAT! 6:30am meeting today in which I was reminded that if I am practicing these principles in all my affairs, I will not want to drink. This, of course, refers to the Twelve Steps of AA.
for my fireplace, although living in Houston, I rarely get to use it
that a member of Lambda Center will be painting my 2-story staircase wall soon for a very reasonable fee
A.A. members told me that I would not only find a way to live without having a drink, but that I would find a way to live without wanting to drink.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, 4th edition, , page 549
Voodoo
JJ of A Reason A Season A Lifetime sent me a little blogger gift package a few weeks ago. She's too sweet. But that's another story, for another day.
Today's story concerns one of the items in said package. It is a tiny book (~ 2" x 2"), entitled "The Little Book of Voodoo." Chapter 14 is titled, "Voodoo Abuse." Part of it reads as follows ...
As you already know if you've dabbled in the art, voodoo is a very powerful thing. And like most powers, it can be abused. That's where Voodoo Anonymous comes in.
Voodoo Anonymous (or VDA, as it's now known after a protracted copyright battle with the Veteran's Administration) was founded by someone who chooses to remain anonymous.
Its motto -- "Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change and to change what I cannot accept" -- is sewn on samplers in voodoo-practicing homes around the world. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how Voodoo Anonymous saved me. Yes, I'll confess. I was a voodoo abuser.
Funny little book. Published by The Running Press.
Thanks JJ.
Today's story concerns one of the items in said package. It is a tiny book (~ 2" x 2"), entitled "The Little Book of Voodoo." Chapter 14 is titled, "Voodoo Abuse." Part of it reads as follows ...
As you already know if you've dabbled in the art, voodoo is a very powerful thing. And like most powers, it can be abused. That's where Voodoo Anonymous comes in.
Voodoo Anonymous (or VDA, as it's now known after a protracted copyright battle with the Veteran's Administration) was founded by someone who chooses to remain anonymous.
Its motto -- "Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change and to change what I cannot accept" -- is sewn on samplers in voodoo-practicing homes around the world. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how Voodoo Anonymous saved me. Yes, I'll confess. I was a voodoo abuser.
Funny little book. Published by The Running Press.
Thanks JJ.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Knowledge can be helpful
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that I could get Mom out of the nursing home yesterday for a couple of hours
for making a HUGE decision - I am ready to attack all of the necessary procedures to sell her home
that I feel strong enough spiritually to take on another project, 3 days after writing that my plate is full
that I am sober enough to know When to Do the Next Right Thing; this comes under the definition of "we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us"
for an interesting and informative chat with JP about AA crosstalk in meetings
for getting many things accomplished yesterday afternoon; a time when I normally nap and then begin to just wind-down for the day
that I am not the only human who is faced with living life as it happens, sober
that I have this forum in which to begin to formulate my ideas, and then get feedback
for the concept that I can use what I like and disregard what I can't use
for all you guys who read and sometimes respond
for Al Gore -- who made ALL this possible!!
No man was ever wise by chance.
-Seneca
that I could get Mom out of the nursing home yesterday for a couple of hours
for making a HUGE decision - I am ready to attack all of the necessary procedures to sell her home
that I feel strong enough spiritually to take on another project, 3 days after writing that my plate is full
that I am sober enough to know When to Do the Next Right Thing; this comes under the definition of "we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us"
for an interesting and informative chat with JP about AA crosstalk in meetings
for getting many things accomplished yesterday afternoon; a time when I normally nap and then begin to just wind-down for the day
that I am not the only human who is faced with living life as it happens, sober
that I have this forum in which to begin to formulate my ideas, and then get feedback
for the concept that I can use what I like and disregard what I can't use
for all you guys who read and sometimes respond
for Al Gore -- who made ALL this possible!!
No man was ever wise by chance.
-Seneca
Monday, February 06, 2006
Where it stops, nobody knows
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that after I post this and go to my morning meeting, I'm taking Mom to her home so she can find me some information I could not locate; I know that after about 3 hours away from her bed, she'll be exhausted
for some really nice AA meetings over the weekend
for a good first-meeting with my new sponsee
that Willingness can take me to good places I've never been before
to realize first-hand, for the first time, that a little bit of my fear of talking to strangers has gone away
that I finally posted one of my favorite writings, THERE COMES A TIME, onto my alternate blog
for a lot of help from this guy, who well-hung my new drapes yesterday
that I even watched bits and pieces of the Super Bowl (but didn't really care)
Two things a man should never be angry at: what he can help, and what he cannot help.
-Thomas Fuller
that after I post this and go to my morning meeting, I'm taking Mom to her home so she can find me some information I could not locate; I know that after about 3 hours away from her bed, she'll be exhausted
for some really nice AA meetings over the weekend
for a good first-meeting with my new sponsee
that Willingness can take me to good places I've never been before
to realize first-hand, for the first time, that a little bit of my fear of talking to strangers has gone away
that I finally posted one of my favorite writings, THERE COMES A TIME, onto my alternate blog
for a lot of help from this guy, who well-hung my new drapes yesterday
that I even watched bits and pieces of the Super Bowl (but didn't really care)
Two things a man should never be angry at: what he can help, and what he cannot help.
-Thomas Fuller
Year of the Dog
According to the Chinese calendar, this is the Year of the Dog.
CLICK HERE to see a gallery of the top 100 dogs.
This might bring back a few memories.
And it might not.
CLICK HERE to see a gallery of the top 100 dogs.
This might bring back a few memories.
And it might not.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
There comes a time ...
One of the most important pieces of writing I have ever had the pleasure of reading is entitled There Comes a Time.
This is the spiritual awakening of an AA'er from about 40 years ago. Her new outlook on life is truly an inspiration to me. It helped me to take a good hard look at myself at a time when I was ready to give up. Her experience, strength and hope were first sent to me by my own personal Angel, Hayden, when I was living in Morocco and we were separated. He knew what I needed to know.
I hope you can take 5 minutes to read this. Feel free to copy and paste or print it out for your own future reference. I have also included a new link to it on my sidebar.
There comes a time ...
This is the spiritual awakening of an AA'er from about 40 years ago. Her new outlook on life is truly an inspiration to me. It helped me to take a good hard look at myself at a time when I was ready to give up. Her experience, strength and hope were first sent to me by my own personal Angel, Hayden, when I was living in Morocco and we were separated. He knew what I needed to know.
I hope you can take 5 minutes to read this. Feel free to copy and paste or print it out for your own future reference. I have also included a new link to it on my sidebar.
There comes a time ...
Behind the Scenes
an appealing shot to some, i suppose.these derrieres at lambda are telling secrets.
2 of them are bloggers.
anyone care to guess who they are?
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Friday, February 03, 2006
I'll show you mine, if you show me yours
It took me more than 33 years of drinking alcoholically to reach my bottom.
What exactly IS a bottom?
For me, it was the epitome of incomprehensible demoralization. I did not lose my home, my car, my job. I did lose the person with whom I was in love. I lost the desire to go on living. I lost my self-esteem. I lost my ability to reason and think straight (shuddup Scott). In short, I lost my sanity. I almost lost my life due to my stupid actions which led to a hustler being in my home. Robbing me. I was drinking up to 18 hours every day for the last year. And there was a lot of crying and tears. A lot of yelling. A lot of nonsense.
What did your bottom look like?
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
for a God of my understanding (thanks Bill)
that I have not had an alcoholic drink in 2 years and 5 months nor have I had a thought about having one for more than a second
that I want to live until God takes me
that my head and brain has cleared up enough to make sense of most things (except some Al-Anon people)
that I live with honesty and credibility at the core of my existence
that today, Step 12 pretty much covers it all for me
that someone asked me to be his sponsor yesterday after hearing my talk on Wednesday; I only hope I can help him to more fully appreciate the Twelve Steps
that when I sponsor someone, I can't keep them sober and I don't become their banker, taxi-driver, sex/relationship counselor nor necessarily their friend
Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it is the only thing.
-Albert Schweitzer
What exactly IS a bottom?
For me, it was the epitome of incomprehensible demoralization. I did not lose my home, my car, my job. I did lose the person with whom I was in love. I lost the desire to go on living. I lost my self-esteem. I lost my ability to reason and think straight (shuddup Scott). In short, I lost my sanity. I almost lost my life due to my stupid actions which led to a hustler being in my home. Robbing me. I was drinking up to 18 hours every day for the last year. And there was a lot of crying and tears. A lot of yelling. A lot of nonsense.
What did your bottom look like?
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
for a God of my understanding (thanks Bill)
that I have not had an alcoholic drink in 2 years and 5 months nor have I had a thought about having one for more than a second
that I want to live until God takes me
that my head and brain has cleared up enough to make sense of most things (except some Al-Anon people)
that I live with honesty and credibility at the core of my existence
that today, Step 12 pretty much covers it all for me
that someone asked me to be his sponsor yesterday after hearing my talk on Wednesday; I only hope I can help him to more fully appreciate the Twelve Steps
that when I sponsor someone, I can't keep them sober and I don't become their banker, taxi-driver, sex/relationship counselor nor necessarily their friend
Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it is the only thing.
-Albert Schweitzer
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Daily Progress
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that Mom's getting over the "crud" (this is a big deal because she is not able to cough to clear her throat)
that even though I got severely stressed (nearly bent out of shape) yesterday morning, I was able to let it go, once again
for the magic of the program of AA recovery
to be asked to share a tidbit of my AA story -- I chose to focus on what happened when I hit bottom
that when asked to share my story (see above), I only had 5 minutes to think about it instead of days and days to consider what to say
that I usually don't mind being a ham (and cheese)
for the importance of practicing Step 6 on a daily basis for as long as I live; if and when I stop doing it, I can add at least one more character defect to my list
for Scott's sexy voice (This Too Shall Pass)
to be asked to serve on another recovery-related committee; of course I said YES!
that my plate is now full and I have all the utensils I need
that I am not too overly envious of my UK friend Liz going to Australia for 6 weeks (bitch!)
Success consists of getting up just one more time than you fall.
-Oliver Goldsmith
that Mom's getting over the "crud" (this is a big deal because she is not able to cough to clear her throat)
that even though I got severely stressed (nearly bent out of shape) yesterday morning, I was able to let it go, once again
for the magic of the program of AA recovery
to be asked to share a tidbit of my AA story -- I chose to focus on what happened when I hit bottom
that when asked to share my story (see above), I only had 5 minutes to think about it instead of days and days to consider what to say
that I usually don't mind being a ham (and cheese)
for the importance of practicing Step 6 on a daily basis for as long as I live; if and when I stop doing it, I can add at least one more character defect to my list
for Scott's sexy voice (This Too Shall Pass)
to be asked to serve on another recovery-related committee; of course I said YES!
that my plate is now full and I have all the utensils I need
that I am not too overly envious of my UK friend Liz going to Australia for 6 weeks (bitch!)
Success consists of getting up just one more time than you fall.
-Oliver Goldsmith
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Love Comes From Within
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
to finally get some important paperwork completed for my Mom's continuing insurance coverage after 7 weeks of begging, pleading and dealing with red-tape bureauocracy
to witness a recovering friend go through the range of emotion and stay sober - her alcoholic brother murdered her drug-addict nephew in front of her mother
to be reminded (again) that I can't expect others to love me if I can't love myself
that I love myself a lot more than I used to
to see more and more that when I was spiritually bankrupt, I didn't know what love was
for my mentors in the AA program -- one of which is chairing the Wednesday 6:30am meeting this month. He selects a theme for the month, this month being "Peace, Love, Freedom and Happiness"
to discover another recovery blogger; drop by to meet Alexis at
The Road of Happy Destiny
that TEXAS is Bigger Than FRANCE
We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.
-Mother Teresa
to finally get some important paperwork completed for my Mom's continuing insurance coverage after 7 weeks of begging, pleading and dealing with red-tape bureauocracy
to witness a recovering friend go through the range of emotion and stay sober - her alcoholic brother murdered her drug-addict nephew in front of her mother
to be reminded (again) that I can't expect others to love me if I can't love myself
that I love myself a lot more than I used to
to see more and more that when I was spiritually bankrupt, I didn't know what love was
for my mentors in the AA program -- one of which is chairing the Wednesday 6:30am meeting this month. He selects a theme for the month, this month being "Peace, Love, Freedom and Happiness"
to discover another recovery blogger; drop by to meet Alexis at
The Road of Happy Destiny
that TEXAS is Bigger Than FRANCE
We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.
-Mother Teresa
Safe Sex Dress
OK. OK.
I need a good caption for this photo.
(click on the pic to enlarge)
Give me your best shot.
"_________________
_________________"
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Observations
The weather in Houston this winter has been so damn mild. Many days have seen low temperatures in the 40's with high temps getting well into the 70's. A daily 30-degree temperature change makes it friggin' difficult to know what to wear. Jacket in the morning; short sleeves in the afternoon.
Since his second appearance on Oprah, James Frey's book has seen a sales increase. Once again, Oprah shows that she's quite the businesswoman. She dragged him over the coals for lying but never removed his book from her Book Club. If I were a cynic, I would say they planned this all along. If I were a cynic.
I think Oprah could market dog turds and make money.
Some Democratic Senators have now blamed George Bush personally for the fact that Ford had to lay off thousands of workers. I guess Ford's problems (and all American car manufacturer's) have nothing to do with the fact that they simply have not kept up with foreign technology for the past 30 years.
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that the congestion problem my Mom has been having is clearing up instead of getting worse and maybe turning into pneumonia
that I was able to keep my mouth shut when an AA chairperson made an inappropriate comment based on a lack of knowing the facts
for the mantras "Pause When Agitated" and "I'd Rather Be Happy instead of Right"
for 2 new faces at the 6:30am meeting today
for the personal confusion I have in defining the difference between helping an addict and enabling an addict. That was never a problem when I was drinking.
When written in Chinese, the word "crisis" is composed of two characters --- one represents danger; the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy
Since his second appearance on Oprah, James Frey's book has seen a sales increase. Once again, Oprah shows that she's quite the businesswoman. She dragged him over the coals for lying but never removed his book from her Book Club. If I were a cynic, I would say they planned this all along. If I were a cynic.
I think Oprah could market dog turds and make money.
Some Democratic Senators have now blamed George Bush personally for the fact that Ford had to lay off thousands of workers. I guess Ford's problems (and all American car manufacturer's) have nothing to do with the fact that they simply have not kept up with foreign technology for the past 30 years.
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that the congestion problem my Mom has been having is clearing up instead of getting worse and maybe turning into pneumonia
that I was able to keep my mouth shut when an AA chairperson made an inappropriate comment based on a lack of knowing the facts
for the mantras "Pause When Agitated" and "I'd Rather Be Happy instead of Right"
for 2 new faces at the 6:30am meeting today
for the personal confusion I have in defining the difference between helping an addict and enabling an addict. That was never a problem when I was drinking.
When written in Chinese, the word "crisis" is composed of two characters --- one represents danger; the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy
Ford Super Chief
Like any good Texas boy, my favorite vehicle at the 2006 Houston Auto Show this year was Ford's concept truck, the Super Chief. It's huge with great styling. Also, it runs on either hydrogen, ethanol or gasoline.
The drawing is from a magazine website. Click for more info and details.
The pic on the left is from my camphone.
Monday, January 30, 2006
It's All About Gratitude
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
for a better understanding of the attention I need to give towards the financial/insurance/paperwork side of my Mom's illness and recovery
that to keep from being totally overwhelmed by her ordeal, I have to remember to live in the moment instead of worrying about what I have to do next week
for the opportunity to attend our AA Birthday Night each month; January 2006 being possibly the most fulfilling of the 28 that I've been to
that for me, it's important to not only remember my last drunk, but, to remember WHY it must be my last drunk
that my head is right where it's supposed to be -- on top of my shoulders
that I'm not an old, washed-up, useless drunk --- I'm middle-aged
There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience.
-French Proverb
for a better understanding of the attention I need to give towards the financial/insurance/paperwork side of my Mom's illness and recovery
that to keep from being totally overwhelmed by her ordeal, I have to remember to live in the moment instead of worrying about what I have to do next week
for the opportunity to attend our AA Birthday Night each month; January 2006 being possibly the most fulfilling of the 28 that I've been to
that for me, it's important to not only remember my last drunk, but, to remember WHY it must be my last drunk
that my head is right where it's supposed to be -- on top of my shoulders
that I'm not an old, washed-up, useless drunk --- I'm middle-aged
There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience.
-French Proverb
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Nude Painting
I have
no further
immediate
plans on
any more
indoor
painting
in the
foreseeable
future.
In case
you were
wondering.
More than a bunch of sober drunks...
I attend Lambda Center for almost all of my AA meetings. All Lambda groups celebrate AA birthdays on the last Saturday of the month, which was last night.
There were 33 men and women celebrating a total of 419 years of sobriety. There were 3 guys who received their first-year medallion and the oldest celebrant had 31 years. I always enjoy listening to the gratitude of those who reach a new milestone. It's an affirmation that this program works when we work it. It's always touching to hear someone whose life might otherwise have ended years ago. All of that honesty and integrity were a shining light (No, James Frey was not there).
Last night, as I listened to those 33 grateful human beings, I was humbled. For what may be the first time that I have realized this, I was proud to be an alcoholic.
There were 33 men and women celebrating a total of 419 years of sobriety. There were 3 guys who received their first-year medallion and the oldest celebrant had 31 years. I always enjoy listening to the gratitude of those who reach a new milestone. It's an affirmation that this program works when we work it. It's always touching to hear someone whose life might otherwise have ended years ago. All of that honesty and integrity were a shining light (No, James Frey was not there).
Last night, as I listened to those 33 grateful human beings, I was humbled. For what may be the first time that I have realized this, I was proud to be an alcoholic.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Self Abuse
What a load hangovers put on your shoulders! What terrible physical punishment we've all been through. The pounding headaches and the jumpy nerves, the shakes and the jitters, the hot and cold sweats! 
When you come into A.A. and stop drinking, that terrible load of hangovers falls off your shoulders.
Ashamed of the things you've said and done. Afraid to face people because of what they might think of you. Afraid of the consequences of what you did when you were drunk. What an awful beating the mind takes! When you come into A.A., that terrible load of remorse falls off your shoulders.
TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY (Hazelden),
Thought for the Day, January 28
When you come into A.A. and stop drinking, that terrible load of hangovers falls off your shoulders.
Ashamed of the things you've said and done. Afraid to face people because of what they might think of you. Afraid of the consequences of what you did when you were drunk. What an awful beating the mind takes! When you come into A.A., that terrible load of remorse falls off your shoulders.
TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY (Hazelden),
Thought for the Day, January 28
Friday, January 27, 2006
James on the Frey-ing Pan
Yesterday as I sat upon my solid-gold, ruby and emerald encrusted throne in my 50-seat theatre, watching my 20' wide plasma-screen televison made specially for me by NASA at my 85 room (not including bathrooms) Houston mansion which overlooks 300 acres of rich meadowland boundaried by a ring of mighty oak trees, I watched Oprah.
I watched as author/addict/liar James Frey sat uneasily in front of millions of his readers while the queen of afternoon televison slapped him on the wrist, repeatedly. Oprah forced him to admit more of his lies in his "memoir"-- A MILLION LITTLE PIECES.
Did he apologize to his readers? NO.
Did she remove his book from her Book Club? NO.
Has Mr Frey ever worked any of the Twelve Steps? NO.
As a "clean and sober" addict, is he in recovery (in my opinion)? NO.
Does he know anything of honesty and integrity? NO.
Will he continue to make gobs of money from his lies? MOST LIKELY.
There are no victims, only volunteers.
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that I know the difference between EMBELLISH and LIE
that I am neither James Frey nor Oprah Winfrey
that today, Oprah features the stars of Brokeback Mountain
to have completed working step 5 yesterday with my one sponsee. He's my first sponsee to make it this far.
for breakfast with my sponsor this morning so I can tell him more about how to isolate
for dinner last night with a good recovering friend
CONFUSION IS A VERY HIGH SPIRITUAL PLACE TO BE.
I watched as author/addict/liar James Frey sat uneasily in front of millions of his readers while the queen of afternoon televison slapped him on the wrist, repeatedly. Oprah forced him to admit more of his lies in his "memoir"-- A MILLION LITTLE PIECES.
Did he apologize to his readers? NO.
Did she remove his book from her Book Club? NO.
Has Mr Frey ever worked any of the Twelve Steps? NO.
As a "clean and sober" addict, is he in recovery (in my opinion)? NO.
Does he know anything of honesty and integrity? NO.
Will he continue to make gobs of money from his lies? MOST LIKELY.
There are no victims, only volunteers.
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that I know the difference between EMBELLISH and LIE
that I am neither James Frey nor Oprah Winfrey
that today, Oprah features the stars of Brokeback Mountain
to have completed working step 5 yesterday with my one sponsee. He's my first sponsee to make it this far.
for breakfast with my sponsor this morning so I can tell him more about how to isolate
for dinner last night with a good recovering friend
CONFUSION IS A VERY HIGH SPIRITUAL PLACE TO BE.
Liquid Diet
This could easily have been me, only two and-a-half years ago. Getting ready for a Friday night.
Or a Wednesday night. Or any other night.
Or morning.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Minding My Health
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
for a pleasant morning with my Mother yesterday
for the unique talk by Barb S. at the 12:15p speaker meeting; her experience of hitting a new emotional bottom at 15 years into sobriety
for being able to better clarify my feelings of isolation; it's not that I don't have friends, I just don't have anyone to hang out with
that when I don't isolate, I am comfortable being alone for up to 22 hours per day (I don't expect anyone to understand or appreciate this, but it means a lot to me)
that I reminded myself to be careful for what I pray
for finally having coffee with someone besides me
for some words of wisdom from this guy
that I've never been accused of sexual harrassment -- legally (yet)
for this incredible winter weather we're having in Houston -- if you like cold, you be in da wrong place
Learn to write your hurts in sand.
Learn to carve your blessings in stone!
-Unknown
for a pleasant morning with my Mother yesterday
for the unique talk by Barb S. at the 12:15p speaker meeting; her experience of hitting a new emotional bottom at 15 years into sobriety
for being able to better clarify my feelings of isolation; it's not that I don't have friends, I just don't have anyone to hang out with
that when I don't isolate, I am comfortable being alone for up to 22 hours per day (I don't expect anyone to understand or appreciate this, but it means a lot to me)
that I reminded myself to be careful for what I pray
for finally having coffee with someone besides me
for some words of wisdom from this guy
that I've never been accused of sexual harrassment -- legally (yet)
for this incredible winter weather we're having in Houston -- if you like cold, you be in da wrong place
Learn to write your hurts in sand.
Learn to carve your blessings in stone!
-Unknown
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
The Short List
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
for everything
"We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders. When we see a man sinking into the mire that is alcoholism, we give him first aid and place what we have at his disposal. For his sake, we do recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. But those of us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we are soon overcome by them.
So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness."
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 132
for everything
"We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders. When we see a man sinking into the mire that is alcoholism, we give him first aid and place what we have at his disposal. For his sake, we do recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. But those of us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we are soon overcome by them.
So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness."
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 132
Anxiety, Addicition and Depression
I was contactd by the owner of a blog which deals with ANXIETY, ADDICITON and DEPRESSION TREATMENT. He provides numerous links and articles dealing with these issues. Check it out when you have the time.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Changing
i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that my Mom was feeling much better yesterday, emotionally
to have a lifelong family friend (of my parents) who wants to assist my sister and I in ironing out the medical questions and logistics involved with permanent nursing facilities
for a day off
for a visit from a friend who is willing to listen to my crap
that I have not had a blackout since I stopped drinking - there seems to be a connection there
that I'm able to go through whatever I have to go through without having to go through a bar
QUESTION: How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
ANSWER: Change?
that my Mom was feeling much better yesterday, emotionally
to have a lifelong family friend (of my parents) who wants to assist my sister and I in ironing out the medical questions and logistics involved with permanent nursing facilities
for a day off
for a visit from a friend who is willing to listen to my crap
that I have not had a blackout since I stopped drinking - there seems to be a connection there
that I'm able to go through whatever I have to go through without having to go through a bar
QUESTION: How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
ANSWER: Change?
2005 World Stupidity Awards
Damn! If only I'd have known these were gonna take place, I would have entered. Sometimes, I'm just too stupid.
It was a night of suspense and absolute idiocy as the World Stupidity Awards awarded achievement in ignorance and stupidity in one of the hottest ticket's at Montreal's Just for Laughs Festival Friday night.
"It was absolute magic," said World Stupidity Awards Spokesmoron, Robert Spence. "To see some of the greatest accomplishments in ignorance finally recognized. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. "
Dubbed the "Oscars of Idiocy," host Lewis Black of The Daily Show led a crack team of comics and celebrities who handed out awards to thunderous applause. The night featured performances by Penn Gillette of Penn and Teller, Greg Proops of Whose Line is it Anyway? and comedian Andy Kindler.
The Stupidity Awards themselves were recognized, winning the new Stupidest Award Show of the Year category.
"This is beyond our wildest dreams," said Spence. "I feel like such an idiot."
CLICK HERE to view all of the winners.
It was a night of suspense and absolute idiocy as the World Stupidity Awards awarded achievement in ignorance and stupidity in one of the hottest ticket's at Montreal's Just for Laughs Festival Friday night.
"It was absolute magic," said World Stupidity Awards Spokesmoron, Robert Spence. "To see some of the greatest accomplishments in ignorance finally recognized. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. "
Dubbed the "Oscars of Idiocy," host Lewis Black of The Daily Show led a crack team of comics and celebrities who handed out awards to thunderous applause. The night featured performances by Penn Gillette of Penn and Teller, Greg Proops of Whose Line is it Anyway? and comedian Andy Kindler.
The Stupidity Awards themselves were recognized, winning the new Stupidest Award Show of the Year category.
"This is beyond our wildest dreams," said Spence. "I feel like such an idiot."
CLICK HERE to view all of the winners.
Monday, January 23, 2006
F.E.A.R.
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
for the acronym of F.E.A.R.
... Fuck Everything And Run
... Face Everything And Recover
that I am sober and made it through another weekend of isolating
that they don't throw me out of AA meetings for being a sicko
that I am anal-retentive (obsessive-compulsive) enough to continue this list even when I don't feel like it
that when I isolate, my townhouse gets cleaner
that I am able to at least spend a few hours each day when it's NOT all about me
that I chaired the 6:30am meeting today and threw out to the group my FEAR of people, rejection and abandonment
that I have a sponsor who will listen compassionately if and when I have the Courage to call him
The thing you fear most has no power.
Your fear of it is what has the power.
Facing the truth really will set you free.
-Oprah Winfrey
for the acronym of F.E.A.R.
... Fuck Everything And Run
... Face Everything And Recover
that I am sober and made it through another weekend of isolating
that they don't throw me out of AA meetings for being a sicko
that I am anal-retentive (obsessive-compulsive) enough to continue this list even when I don't feel like it
that when I isolate, my townhouse gets cleaner
that I am able to at least spend a few hours each day when it's NOT all about me
that I chaired the 6:30am meeting today and threw out to the group my FEAR of people, rejection and abandonment
that I have a sponsor who will listen compassionately if and when I have the Courage to call him
The thing you fear most has no power.
Your fear of it is what has the power.
Facing the truth really will set you free.
-Oprah Winfrey
Isolating with others
I hate being an isolator. But I guess I don't hate it enough because I continue to do it.
Another wasted weekend. With the exception of going to 4 meetings and answering Intergroup phones on Saturday and Sunday, I just tucked myself away in my cozy little home and didn't talk to a soul. I forced myself to ask Scott and Ricardo to sit with me through a quick dinner before going to a meeting Saturday night. Once there, I was in too much fear to speak to anyone.
I get depressed because I tell myself that no one would want to hang around me when I feel like this. And I feel like this because no one wants to be around me. I get these feelings of rejection and that this will never change. For the rest of my life, I will be alone. I can go to AA meetings until the day I die, but no one will ever want to know me outside the front door. I won't call anyone because I know they don't want me to bother them. I am just a miserable person to be around.
I hate being an isolator. But I guess I don't hate it enough because I continue to do it.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
The Book Game
As seen on blogs these past few days ...
Here are the rules:
1. Grab the nearest book
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences (#5,6,7) on your blog, along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it. Just grab what is closest. No cheating.
"Today's life is measured against that of other years and, when it falls short, the family may be unhappy. Family confidence in dad is rising high. The good old days will soon be back, they think."
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 123
Seriously, the Big Book is the closest to my desk.
Here are the rules:
1. Grab the nearest book
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences (#5,6,7) on your blog, along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it. Just grab what is closest. No cheating.
"Today's life is measured against that of other years and, when it falls short, the family may be unhappy. Family confidence in dad is rising high. The good old days will soon be back, they think."
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 123
Seriously, the Big Book is the closest to my desk.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Goree Island
On one of my trips to Senegal (West Africa), I took the ferry over to Goree Island. This was the staging area in the 18th and 19th century for the slave trade before they were shipped to America.
It's a small island, with no cars and just a few inhabitants. Today, it consists of the museum and a few outdoor restaurants.
In this picture, some of the local kids seemed to have taken a liking to me. I probably gave them some coins.
Friday, January 20, 2006
I'm here to tell you ...
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that Mom accepts that she can never drive again; she's letting me sell her car
for small unsolicited gifts from a fellow blogger who sees me
for the theory on forgiveness I heard at an AA meeting -- that if I go around forgiving others for what I assume or perceive they have done to me, I am arrogantly acting as though I am right and they are wrong; in other words, I am playing God
that I behaved myself at our annual Townhome Association General meeting last night by using several tools I found in my recovery tool box
for the following passage from DAILY REFLECTIONS...
"Today I humbly ask my Higher Power for the grace to find the space between my impulse and my action; to let flow a cooling breeze when I would respond with heat; to interrupt fierceness with gentle peace; to accept the moment which allows judgement to become discernment; to defer silence when my tongue would rush to attack or defend."
that Mom accepts that she can never drive again; she's letting me sell her car
for small unsolicited gifts from a fellow blogger who sees me
for the theory on forgiveness I heard at an AA meeting -- that if I go around forgiving others for what I assume or perceive they have done to me, I am arrogantly acting as though I am right and they are wrong; in other words, I am playing God
that I behaved myself at our annual Townhome Association General meeting last night by using several tools I found in my recovery tool box
for the following passage from DAILY REFLECTIONS...
"Today I humbly ask my Higher Power for the grace to find the space between my impulse and my action; to let flow a cooling breeze when I would respond with heat; to interrupt fierceness with gentle peace; to accept the moment which allows judgement to become discernment; to defer silence when my tongue would rush to attack or defend."
For Your Information ...
Two trucks loaded with thousand's of copies of Roget’s Thesaurus collided as they left a New Hampshire publishing house last week, according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, appalled, surprised, shocked, and rattled.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, appalled, surprised, shocked, and rattled.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Participation
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that I was with my Mom yesterday during a visit by a Neuropsychiatrist who was able to clarify a number of issues for us
that my sister is taking the lead in locating a permanent living arrangement for our mother
for the power of prayer
that even though it took me more than 3 decades to see the need to stop drinking alcohol, it happened before I died
that my program of sobriety requires just as much (if not more) participation as my program of drunkenness
that being sober is much less expensive than being drunk
that I am not the British citizen, driving a German-made automobile, who led police on a 90-minute chase around the Houston area, endangering thousands of lives, ending with a head on collision with a car occupied by an infant and its Mom and Grandmother -- this guy deserves to fry
If I have learned one thing in this life, it is that God will not tie my shoes without me.
-Doug Boyd
that I was with my Mom yesterday during a visit by a Neuropsychiatrist who was able to clarify a number of issues for us
that my sister is taking the lead in locating a permanent living arrangement for our mother
for the power of prayer
that even though it took me more than 3 decades to see the need to stop drinking alcohol, it happened before I died
that my program of sobriety requires just as much (if not more) participation as my program of drunkenness
that being sober is much less expensive than being drunk
that I am not the British citizen, driving a German-made automobile, who led police on a 90-minute chase around the Houston area, endangering thousands of lives, ending with a head on collision with a car occupied by an infant and its Mom and Grandmother -- this guy deserves to fry
If I have learned one thing in this life, it is that God will not tie my shoes without me.
-Doug Boyd
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Clarity of Thinking
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
for the 3 days I take for myself each week because I get so much accomplished
for lunch yesterday with a bunch of "guys" from the 12:15pm meeting
for heart-to-heart talks with my nephew; something we never had until my Mom (his grandmother) had her stroke
that I have set a few rules for him (my nephew) to continue living in his grandmother's home
for the simple blessings of being sober -- a roof over my head, (too much) food in my stomach, overall decent health, people who care about me even when I don't see it, opportunities to help others
for service work -- helping to keep me sober since I stopped drinking
that I am much less critical of myself now than I was my first 49 years
that tomorrow is hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy -- all are welcome to participate!
DON'T WASTE TIME THINKING ABOUT WHAT THINKING CAN'T CHANGE.
for the 3 days I take for myself each week because I get so much accomplished
for lunch yesterday with a bunch of "guys" from the 12:15pm meeting
for heart-to-heart talks with my nephew; something we never had until my Mom (his grandmother) had her stroke
that I have set a few rules for him (my nephew) to continue living in his grandmother's home
for the simple blessings of being sober -- a roof over my head, (too much) food in my stomach, overall decent health, people who care about me even when I don't see it, opportunities to help others
for service work -- helping to keep me sober since I stopped drinking
that I am much less critical of myself now than I was my first 49 years
that tomorrow is hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy -- all are welcome to participate!
DON'T WASTE TIME THINKING ABOUT WHAT THINKING CAN'T CHANGE.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
The Steps are Better than the Elevator
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that Mom wasn't badly injured when she feel yesterday morning
that she's been given a 4-week extension at the nursing facility because her specch therapist feels that she can make more progress
that solutions are possible to everything as long as I remain sober
that as more is revealed, I am in less denial
that while I've often been a day late, I've rarely been a dollar short
for some much needed rain last night
Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
that Mom wasn't badly injured when she feel yesterday morning
that she's been given a 4-week extension at the nursing facility because her specch therapist feels that she can make more progress
that solutions are possible to everything as long as I remain sober
that as more is revealed, I am in less denial
that while I've often been a day late, I've rarely been a dollar short
for some much needed rain last night
Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
Auto Repair
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like and old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seatbelts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cream opened a shop in my neighborhood. Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course. I have soooooooo may miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it! Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!!!
reprinted from an email without permission
But here's the worst of it! Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!!!
reprinted from an email without permission
Monday, January 16, 2006
Wisdom to Know the Difference
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that my Mom accepts the fact that she will probably never live at her home again
for a relatively quick and successful Board meeting Saturday
to get to hear Beau speak Saturday night @ Lambda - a tale of honesty and humility spiced with humour
that Acceptance is the answer to all my problems
that I'm still young enough to do some things, but old enough to know better
that when I feel "spiritually fit" everything seems to fall into place
IT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO DO WHAT MUST BE DONE THAN TO DO ALL YOU CAN DO.
that my Mom accepts the fact that she will probably never live at her home again
for a relatively quick and successful Board meeting Saturday
to get to hear Beau speak Saturday night @ Lambda - a tale of honesty and humility spiced with humour
that Acceptance is the answer to all my problems
that I'm still young enough to do some things, but old enough to know better
that when I feel "spiritually fit" everything seems to fall into place
IT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO DO WHAT MUST BE DONE THAN TO DO ALL YOU CAN DO.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
At it again ...
Somebody, please take away the paint from this guy!
This wall had been a dark red with many pictures on it.
I've tried to streamline it. That painting took all of 15 minutes to produce.
If I had a day job, I wouldn't quit it.
Sunday Useless Information
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.
Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
just thought you'd want to know
Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
just thought you'd want to know
Saturday, January 14, 2006
More has been revealed ...
I came across some small diary-type journals that I kept back in my high school days.
Since getting sober back in 2003, I've said that I was practicing alcoholic since I was 17 years old. WRONG!!! I have have 100% proof that I began drinking at 16. I was passing out and having black-outs even then. I seem to have vomited a lot too. I even recorded how many joints I/we smoked each day. I'll now have to modify my Y.O.D. (years of drinking) to 33+ years.
So far, everything I was told those first few months have come true. Amongst others ...
.... things will get different
.... it will take you 1-2 years to detox
.... more shall be revealed
Since getting sober back in 2003, I've said that I was practicing alcoholic since I was 17 years old. WRONG!!! I have have 100% proof that I began drinking at 16. I was passing out and having black-outs even then. I seem to have vomited a lot too. I even recorded how many joints I/we smoked each day. I'll now have to modify my Y.O.D. (years of drinking) to 33+ years.
So far, everything I was told those first few months have come true. Amongst others ...
.... things will get different
.... it will take you 1-2 years to detox
.... more shall be revealed
Friday, January 13, 2006
In the Moment ...
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
for a stress-free day yesterday
that I occasionally remember to leave things/people alone that don't concern me
for The Serenity Prayer - 20+ words that helped save my life in 2003
that I have made "program calls" two days in a row (that's a first for moi)
that for today, I'm gonna try to Do the Next Right Thing
for the opportunity to progress this year as much as I did last year
for the beautiful full moon this morning on Friday the 13th
WHY ARE YOU NOT HAPPY WITH WHERE YOU ARE?
IS IT NOT EXACTLY WHERE YOU PLACED YOURSELF?
for a stress-free day yesterday
that I occasionally remember to leave things/people alone that don't concern me
for The Serenity Prayer - 20+ words that helped save my life in 2003
that I have made "program calls" two days in a row (that's a first for moi)
that for today, I'm gonna try to Do the Next Right Thing
for the opportunity to progress this year as much as I did last year
for the beautiful full moon this morning on Friday the 13th
WHY ARE YOU NOT HAPPY WITH WHERE YOU ARE?
IS IT NOT EXACTLY WHERE YOU PLACED YOURSELF?
My Previous Travels
There are 3 major things that define my life. Those are 1) that I am a homosexual 2) I am an alcoholic 3) my travels. This is a brief rundown on the places I've been and for how long. I logged this information from passport records and my own files.
AUSTRIA (1 day) .......... Salzburg
BELGIUM (4 days) ......... Antwerp, Brussels
BRASIL (28 days) ......... Rio de Janiero
CANADA (218 days) ...... St John's, Toronto, Montreal
CONGO, The (31 days) ... Pointe Noire
DENMARK (6 days) ......... Copenhagen, Esbjerg
EGYPT (82 days) .......... Alexandria, Cairo, Port Said, Port Suez
ENGLAND (662 days) ...... Guildford, London, Seven Oaks, Grimsby, Gt. Yarmouth, Hull, Leominster, Dartford, Manchester, Middlesbrough, Birmingham
FRANCE (2 days) .......... Paris, Chamonix
GABON (142 days) ........ Port Gentile, Libreville
GERMANY (21 days) ....... Berlin, Munchen, Hamburg, Cologne, Frankfurt, Bremerhaven
IRELAND (56 days) ......... Cork, Dublin
MALTA (65 days) ............ Valletta
MAURITANIA (27 days) ..... Nouakchott
MEXICO (32 days) ......... Coatzacoalcos, Acapulco, Monterrey, Mexico City
MOROCCO (132 dyas) ...... Agadir, Casablanca
NAMIBIA (4 days) ......... Walvis Bay (after it seceded South Africa)
NETHERLANDS, The (265 days) ........ Amsterdam, DenHelder, Den Haag, Harlingen
NIGERIA (261 days) ....... Lagos, Port Harcourt, Calabar
NORWAY (1 day) ............ Hell
SCOTLAND (79 days) ....... Aberdeen, Edinburgh, Lerwick, Peterhead
SENEGAL (280 days) ....... Dakar
SOUTH AFRICA (112 days) ......... Capetown, Durban, Johannesburg, Mossel Bay, Walvis Bay
SPAIN (67 days) ............ Las Palmas, Barcelona, Madrid
SWITZERLAND (2 days) ...... Geneva
TRINIDAD & TOBAGO (66 days) .......... Port of Spain
WALES (46 days) .......... Pembroke
The numbers are based on where I actually slept that night. I also went to Benin, Cape Verde and Mali, but was there for the day only. If you want to discuss any of these places, just shoot me an email (from my profile).
AUSTRIA (1 day) .......... Salzburg
BELGIUM (4 days) ......... Antwerp, Brussels
BRASIL (28 days) ......... Rio de Janiero
CANADA (218 days) ...... St John's, Toronto, Montreal
CONGO, The (31 days) ... Pointe Noire
DENMARK (6 days) ......... Copenhagen, Esbjerg
EGYPT (82 days) .......... Alexandria, Cairo, Port Said, Port Suez
ENGLAND (662 days) ...... Guildford, London, Seven Oaks, Grimsby, Gt. Yarmouth, Hull, Leominster, Dartford, Manchester, Middlesbrough, Birmingham
FRANCE (2 days) .......... Paris, Chamonix
GABON (142 days) ........ Port Gentile, Libreville
GERMANY (21 days) ....... Berlin, Munchen, Hamburg, Cologne, Frankfurt, Bremerhaven
IRELAND (56 days) ......... Cork, Dublin
MALTA (65 days) ............ Valletta
MAURITANIA (27 days) ..... Nouakchott
MEXICO (32 days) ......... Coatzacoalcos, Acapulco, Monterrey, Mexico City
MOROCCO (132 dyas) ...... Agadir, Casablanca
NAMIBIA (4 days) ......... Walvis Bay (after it seceded South Africa)
NETHERLANDS, The (265 days) ........ Amsterdam, DenHelder, Den Haag, Harlingen
NIGERIA (261 days) ....... Lagos, Port Harcourt, Calabar
NORWAY (1 day) ............ Hell
SCOTLAND (79 days) ....... Aberdeen, Edinburgh, Lerwick, Peterhead
SENEGAL (280 days) ....... Dakar
SOUTH AFRICA (112 days) ......... Capetown, Durban, Johannesburg, Mossel Bay, Walvis Bay
SPAIN (67 days) ............ Las Palmas, Barcelona, Madrid
SWITZERLAND (2 days) ...... Geneva
TRINIDAD & TOBAGO (66 days) .......... Port of Spain
WALES (46 days) .......... Pembroke
The numbers are based on where I actually slept that night. I also went to Benin, Cape Verde and Mali, but was there for the day only. If you want to discuss any of these places, just shoot me an email (from my profile).
Thursday, January 12, 2006
hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy
I am the
first to
admit that
I am a
bit warped.
Now, it
turns out,
my friends
are
pixled.
click here to view today's other HNT participants
Doing My Best (for today)
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that Mom and I had a successful road trip to her house
that I didn't freak out when she had a little "bathroom" problem
that my latest episode of isolation lasted only 3 days
for AA Speaker meetings - I am honored to be chairing 2 each week this month
that so many people, who should know better, don't verbally convey the ferocity of addiction
that I will never consider myself "recovered" (unless I become a repaired piece of used furniture)
that I'm not James Frey
tht Anderson Cooper is so nice to look at
Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.
-Henry Van Dyke
that Mom and I had a successful road trip to her house
that I didn't freak out when she had a little "bathroom" problem
that my latest episode of isolation lasted only 3 days
for AA Speaker meetings - I am honored to be chairing 2 each week this month
that so many people, who should know better, don't verbally convey the ferocity of addiction
that I will never consider myself "recovered" (unless I become a repaired piece of used furniture)
that I'm not James Frey
tht Anderson Cooper is so nice to look at
Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.
-Henry Van Dyke
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Onward
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that I'm picking up Mom for a road trip to her house -- she'll get to spend about an hour there this morning
for the wonderful AA meeting at noon yesterday "Why do you keep coming back to meetings?"
for some cool weather again
that I finished painting all I plan to paint for awhile
No one would ever have crossed the ocean if he could have gotten off the ship in the storm.
-Charles Kettering
that I'm picking up Mom for a road trip to her house -- she'll get to spend about an hour there this morning
for the wonderful AA meeting at noon yesterday "Why do you keep coming back to meetings?"
for some cool weather again
that I finished painting all I plan to paint for awhile
No one would ever have crossed the ocean if he could have gotten off the ship in the storm.
-Charles Kettering
My Typical Day in Amsterdam
In 1993, I resigned my job. I was living in the UK at the time. Instead of moving back to my hometown (Houston), I decided I wanted to experience a cold winter. I had never s
een a cold winter before. So I moved to Amsterdam. Just a 45-minute flight from London.
Freedom!
I had money in the bank and all the time in the world. To do whatever I wanted to do. After leasing an apartment for 6 months, I quickly fell into a routine. I am very routine-minded. Very consistent.
My typical day would go like this. Wake up (or get home from the gay baths) around 5am-ish.
Drink 2 or 3 cups of coffee while watching BBC News and smoking a joint or two. I just had to keep up with the world news. Shower and shave and leave the apartment about 7am. I would walk to an Irish pub in the heart of the city; a 20 minute walk. I'd get a newspaper and drink 2 or 3 pints of lager while reading. Then I'd go next door to one of Amsterdam's 200+ Coffeeshop's and resupply my hash. Smoke another joint while there and move on down the road. By now, it's around 10am.
I adopted a basement bar/pool hall as MY place. It opened at 11am every day. I was there to help open it. Made a number of acquaintances during the 6 months I lived there. We'd play pool and stay stoned (while playing) well into mid-afternoon.
Nap time. Head back home. Sleep, then wake up and begin that routine all over again by 6pm. I would alter the bars each night and visit different coffeeshops. Sometimes I would spend the night at the gay baths which didn't even open til 11pm. I was pretty fucked up by that time. But I was loyal. Consistent.
Six months and $18,000 later, I decided to move back to Houston. I just spent the mildest winter Amsterdam had seen in years. It only snowed once and the canals froze over once too. But my brain stayed frozen for the entire time.
een a cold winter before. So I moved to Amsterdam. Just a 45-minute flight from London.Freedom!
I had money in the bank and all the time in the world. To do whatever I wanted to do. After leasing an apartment for 6 months, I quickly fell into a routine. I am very routine-minded. Very consistent.
My typical day would go like this. Wake up (or get home from the gay baths) around 5am-ish.
Drink 2 or 3 cups of coffee while watching BBC News and smoking a joint or two. I just had to keep up with the world news. Shower and shave and leave the apartment about 7am. I would walk to an Irish pub in the heart of the city; a 20 minute walk. I'd get a newspaper and drink 2 or 3 pints of lager while reading. Then I'd go next door to one of Amsterdam's 200+ Coffeeshop's and resupply my hash. Smoke another joint while there and move on down the road. By now, it's around 10am.I adopted a basement bar/pool hall as MY place. It opened at 11am every day. I was there to help open it. Made a number of acquaintances during the 6 months I lived there. We'd play pool and stay stoned (while playing) well into mid-afternoon.
Nap time. Head back home. Sleep, then wake up and begin that routine all over again by 6pm. I would alter the bars each night and visit different coffeeshops. Sometimes I would spend the night at the gay baths which didn't even open til 11pm. I was pretty fucked up by that time. But I was loyal. Consistent.
Six months and $18,000 later, I decided to move back to Houston. I just spent the mildest winter Amsterdam had seen in years. It only snowed once and the canals froze over once too. But my brain stayed frozen for the entire time.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Reasons
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that my mother's speech therapist may request more time to work with her - this has big Medicare implications and that's a good thang
that 2 friends requested my presence yesterday - one who had read my post from the morning and one who had not
that I so rarely get mad at people any more
that I lost so little during my drinking years
that I'll never know what oppurtunites I didn't take advantage of during those years
that I found my journals from ages 16 and 17 years old - I may have to revise some things I thought I remembered (more to come)
that I completed painting 2 walls last night which will now require additional touch up work in other colors
I will also attempt a LARGE painting to cover the wall I just painted
that I am being visited by my nephew this morning at my home - he has never been to my home during his lifetime (26 years old) even though we live 5 miles apart
that James Frey ("A Million Little Pieces") is being exposed for what he truly is -- see what Jim and David have to say
IT'S OK NOT TO BE OK. PEOPLE DON'T COME TO AA BECAUSE THEY'RE OK.
that my mother's speech therapist may request more time to work with her - this has big Medicare implications and that's a good thang
that 2 friends requested my presence yesterday - one who had read my post from the morning and one who had not
that I so rarely get mad at people any more
that I lost so little during my drinking years
that I'll never know what oppurtunites I didn't take advantage of during those years
that I found my journals from ages 16 and 17 years old - I may have to revise some things I thought I remembered (more to come)
that I completed painting 2 walls last night which will now require additional touch up work in other colors
I will also attempt a LARGE painting to cover the wall I just painted
that I am being visited by my nephew this morning at my home - he has never been to my home during his lifetime (26 years old) even though we live 5 miles apart
that James Frey ("A Million Little Pieces") is being exposed for what he truly is -- see what Jim and David have to say
IT'S OK NOT TO BE OK. PEOPLE DON'T COME TO AA BECAUSE THEY'RE OK.
Apple Fritter
I love
eating
one of
these
Apple Fritters
for
breakfast.
I think
they
contain
some sugar,
though.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Weeding Out the Gratitude
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
for a good meeting with my sister regarding our Mom's near-term future and living accomodations
that I am healthy and sober - today! All the "bad" stuff is secondary.
for those willing to serve on the Lambda Center Board; it's a wonderful service and learning opportunity
that I had no desire, compulsion or thought about having alcohol over the weekend even though I was isolating
to have heard that isolating from those in recovery is just another form of selfishness -- Does it ever end? LOL
that I always find ways to keep myself busy
that I finally repainted part of my living/dining room - I had given it thought since I moved here in September 2003
that my friend Liz (UK) lives close to Prince Wiliam's new home in Sandhurst -- get pictures Liz!!
My mind is a garden. My thoughts are the seeds. My harvest will be either flower or weeds.
-Mel Weldon
for a good meeting with my sister regarding our Mom's near-term future and living accomodations
that I am healthy and sober - today! All the "bad" stuff is secondary.
for those willing to serve on the Lambda Center Board; it's a wonderful service and learning opportunity
that I had no desire, compulsion or thought about having alcohol over the weekend even though I was isolating
to have heard that isolating from those in recovery is just another form of selfishness -- Does it ever end? LOL
that I always find ways to keep myself busy
that I finally repainted part of my living/dining room - I had given it thought since I moved here in September 2003
that my friend Liz (UK) lives close to Prince Wiliam's new home in Sandhurst -- get pictures Liz!!
My mind is a garden. My thoughts are the seeds. My harvest will be either flower or weeds.
-Mel Weldon
That's a Good Question.
Why do I blog?
Simple answer. But complicated too.
Joey gave me the idea for this. He posted a very good answer to this question.
Steve was doing a blog. Scott was going to start one. So I began too, as a way to have a kind of online journal. A place to put things I have heard in AA meetings, and my thoughts about those things. A place to write about my feelings. A place to share some of my jokes. After a few months, I added my daily gratitude list.
From almost the first post, I was hooked. Some might call it obsessed. That's how I am with things I like. I go all out with it.
How about you? Why do you blog?
Simple answer. But complicated too.
Joey gave me the idea for this. He posted a very good answer to this question.
Steve was doing a blog. Scott was going to start one. So I began too, as a way to have a kind of online journal. A place to put things I have heard in AA meetings, and my thoughts about those things. A place to write about my feelings. A place to share some of my jokes. After a few months, I added my daily gratitude list.
From almost the first post, I was hooked. Some might call it obsessed. That's how I am with things I like. I go all out with it.
How about you? Why do you blog?
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Why I'll Always Be Alone
I've been doing pretty well lately, emotionally. No isolating.
Then, yesterday morning, my trigger was pulled. In an AA meeting, no less. It was the topic of the meeting that did it too. We talked about The Fellowship. The WE of the program. How I get drunk; We stay sober. etc, etc, etc...
Every time I hear this talked about, it reminds me that I have no friends that I hang out with. Rarely in my life have I had friends that I hang out with. I had plenty of "friends" in the bars. But when I walked out the front door, I was alone.
I feel it's the same way in sobriety. I spend a lot of time at my recovery center. I know well over one hundred people there. When I'm there, I have friends. When I walk out the front door, I am alone. Alone until I return there.
There are a few exceptions. Scott W. is one. We ocasionally get together and eat or go shopping for something. That's about it though. And Scott stays pretty busy, so we don't get together very often. I also know that if I want things to be different, I have to take action. I am fully aware of the tools I've heard in recovery.
But my mind tells me that no one really wants to hang out with me. Why would they waste their time on me? I have nothing to offer them. Once anyone spends 30 minutes with me, they'll find any reason to get the hell away. An example happened last night. Scott and another friend asked me to join them for coffee after the 8pm meeting. I wanted to go, but declined because I felt they were only asking me to be polite; they didn't really want me there. I'm afraid to take the initiative myself for fear of more rejection. My perception is that I've been rejected all my life and it's never going to change. The other part of this problem is this: I can't tell any of my "friends" this. If I do, they may ask me to do something with them. Then I'll just feel like a charity case. They are only asking so I won't feel left out. But they would really rather not have me around. For those old enough to know this term, it's a Catch-22 situation for me.
It's a fucked up dilemma; one that I feel so much more in sobriety. I can't just drink it away. There is a solution. It's in the steps of AA. I've tried to just "turn this over" to my HP for two years. I continue to pray about it often and ask my HP to take away the defects of character that produce these feelings. Certainly, my attitude towards the fellowship and fellowshipping in AA do not serve His will. And yes, my sponsor and I have spoken about this at length. He continues to remind me that when I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, maybe then I will make the necessary changes. Until then, nothing changes until it changes.
I just needed to get this out in the open. I am at a point where I feel there's nothing to lose and maybe one of my far-away friends in recovery will have experience, strength and hope to offer.
Then, yesterday morning, my trigger was pulled. In an AA meeting, no less. It was the topic of the meeting that did it too. We talked about The Fellowship. The WE of the program. How I get drunk; We stay sober. etc, etc, etc...
Every time I hear this talked about, it reminds me that I have no friends that I hang out with. Rarely in my life have I had friends that I hang out with. I had plenty of "friends" in the bars. But when I walked out the front door, I was alone.
I feel it's the same way in sobriety. I spend a lot of time at my recovery center. I know well over one hundred people there. When I'm there, I have friends. When I walk out the front door, I am alone. Alone until I return there.
There are a few exceptions. Scott W. is one. We ocasionally get together and eat or go shopping for something. That's about it though. And Scott stays pretty busy, so we don't get together very often. I also know that if I want things to be different, I have to take action. I am fully aware of the tools I've heard in recovery.
But my mind tells me that no one really wants to hang out with me. Why would they waste their time on me? I have nothing to offer them. Once anyone spends 30 minutes with me, they'll find any reason to get the hell away. An example happened last night. Scott and another friend asked me to join them for coffee after the 8pm meeting. I wanted to go, but declined because I felt they were only asking me to be polite; they didn't really want me there. I'm afraid to take the initiative myself for fear of more rejection. My perception is that I've been rejected all my life and it's never going to change. The other part of this problem is this: I can't tell any of my "friends" this. If I do, they may ask me to do something with them. Then I'll just feel like a charity case. They are only asking so I won't feel left out. But they would really rather not have me around. For those old enough to know this term, it's a Catch-22 situation for me.
It's a fucked up dilemma; one that I feel so much more in sobriety. I can't just drink it away. There is a solution. It's in the steps of AA. I've tried to just "turn this over" to my HP for two years. I continue to pray about it often and ask my HP to take away the defects of character that produce these feelings. Certainly, my attitude towards the fellowship and fellowshipping in AA do not serve His will. And yes, my sponsor and I have spoken about this at length. He continues to remind me that when I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, maybe then I will make the necessary changes. Until then, nothing changes until it changes.
I just needed to get this out in the open. I am at a point where I feel there's nothing to lose and maybe one of my far-away friends in recovery will have experience, strength and hope to offer.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Friday, January 06, 2006
Short list
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that I'm keeping the list short today due to the lengthy post below this
for having a quiet and peaceful day yesterday
for the Serenity Prayer, which we discussed word by word at the Eyes Wide Shut meeting this morning
We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same.
-Carlos Castaneda
that I'm keeping the list short today due to the lengthy post below this
for having a quiet and peaceful day yesterday
for the Serenity Prayer, which we discussed word by word at the Eyes Wide Shut meeting this morning
We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same.
-Carlos Castaneda
A New Day Begins at Noon
(this post was delayed one day due to HNT; these events happened on Wednesday)
Well, it finally happened guys. Yours truly finally had a fucked up day. Well, not really, but ...
Things were going OK til I got to my Mom's nursing center. It's called a nursing center, not home. I walked in her room at 9:15am and she let me know she had a hair salon appointment at 9:30. (the shop is in the building) How dare she schedule this when I am going to be there? Just who does she think I'm coming to visit? Her Certified Nurse's Assistant? Settle down, David.
She also wants me to call her doctor and make sure he visits her today. No way I can tell him when to visit because we don't know how long the hair appointment will take. That's out for today Mom, unless you have an emergency. She is, of course, upset about this.
She also wants me to call her CPA TODAY! to discuss a tax situation. Mom, I can't talk to him this week because he's in LA at the Rose Bowl. I told you this last week. OK, she forgot about that. (All these things she "tells" me takes several minutes for her to write down and for me to figure out what she is writing.)
OK. At 9:45am I take her downstairs in her wheelchair to the salon. This room is big enough to accommodate about 6 wheelchairs and then it's packed. Her past appointments have taken 2-3 hours due to all the elderly wheelchair-bound women getting their hair done every day and only one hairdresser. I've accepted that we won't have much conversation today. Mom wrote to me to write a check to the lady for $70. Damnit, I didn't bring the checkbook because she usually gets her hair done every other Friday. Not on Wednesday. So I empty my wallet of everything. I've got $59 plus $10 in the car. Told the lady I'll pay her the other dollar the next time.
Mom says my sister is coming to visit today too. What? She came yesterday and would never come 2 days in a row. I call my sister and wake her up. It's 10:45am. No way she's coming today. She said she's coming next on Saturday so we can meet up and talk about stuff. My sister hears a little frustration in my voice and tells me I need to take more days for myself and not visit Mom so much. That I'm stressing myself out. After about 14 seconds of sisterly advice, I tell her to stop. Just stop right now. I don't need her or anyone else telling me what to do today.
She gets all defensive about me getting all defensive. So I PAUSE WHEN AGITATED. Take a breath David. I apologized for being short with her. I didn't mention what I didn't tell her a couple of days ago.
At one point, I stopped by the Nursing Center's business office to pick up some secondary insurance paperwork I gave them to fill out last week. They lost it. Can't find it anywhere. I must now re-start that process. It took 3 weeks to get this far with it and this new delay could be very expensive. Settle down, Dave.
Mom is now in the middle of her hair thing and writes to me that she has to pee. We mop up her hair and put a towel around it and I wheel her back up 4 floors to her bathroom with the special commode attachment. Then back to the hair salon. Now I have about 40 minutes to get to Lambda (a 20+ minute drive) where I'm chairing the 12:15pm meeting. I gotta stop at the post office first and then get to an ATM because I have no cash on me now. After the meeting, I'm picking up Norris to take him to a 2pm doctor appointment on the other side of town. Can't go with no cash.
12:00 noon. Arrive @ Lambda.
Open my tool box. Remove "Start the day over" tool. Thank you AA.
Well, it finally happened guys. Yours truly finally had a fucked up day. Well, not really, but ...
Things were going OK til I got to my Mom's nursing center. It's called a nursing center, not home. I walked in her room at 9:15am and she let me know she had a hair salon appointment at 9:30. (the shop is in the building) How dare she schedule this when I am going to be there? Just who does she think I'm coming to visit? Her Certified Nurse's Assistant? Settle down, David.
She also wants me to call her doctor and make sure he visits her today. No way I can tell him when to visit because we don't know how long the hair appointment will take. That's out for today Mom, unless you have an emergency. She is, of course, upset about this.
She also wants me to call her CPA TODAY! to discuss a tax situation. Mom, I can't talk to him this week because he's in LA at the Rose Bowl. I told you this last week. OK, she forgot about that. (All these things she "tells" me takes several minutes for her to write down and for me to figure out what she is writing.)
OK. At 9:45am I take her downstairs in her wheelchair to the salon. This room is big enough to accommodate about 6 wheelchairs and then it's packed. Her past appointments have taken 2-3 hours due to all the elderly wheelchair-bound women getting their hair done every day and only one hairdresser. I've accepted that we won't have much conversation today. Mom wrote to me to write a check to the lady for $70. Damnit, I didn't bring the checkbook because she usually gets her hair done every other Friday. Not on Wednesday. So I empty my wallet of everything. I've got $59 plus $10 in the car. Told the lady I'll pay her the other dollar the next time.
Mom says my sister is coming to visit today too. What? She came yesterday and would never come 2 days in a row. I call my sister and wake her up. It's 10:45am. No way she's coming today. She said she's coming next on Saturday so we can meet up and talk about stuff. My sister hears a little frustration in my voice and tells me I need to take more days for myself and not visit Mom so much. That I'm stressing myself out. After about 14 seconds of sisterly advice, I tell her to stop. Just stop right now. I don't need her or anyone else telling me what to do today.
She gets all defensive about me getting all defensive. So I PAUSE WHEN AGITATED. Take a breath David. I apologized for being short with her. I didn't mention what I didn't tell her a couple of days ago.
At one point, I stopped by the Nursing Center's business office to pick up some secondary insurance paperwork I gave them to fill out last week. They lost it. Can't find it anywhere. I must now re-start that process. It took 3 weeks to get this far with it and this new delay could be very expensive. Settle down, Dave.
Mom is now in the middle of her hair thing and writes to me that she has to pee. We mop up her hair and put a towel around it and I wheel her back up 4 floors to her bathroom with the special commode attachment. Then back to the hair salon. Now I have about 40 minutes to get to Lambda (a 20+ minute drive) where I'm chairing the 12:15pm meeting. I gotta stop at the post office first and then get to an ATM because I have no cash on me now. After the meeting, I'm picking up Norris to take him to a 2pm doctor appointment on the other side of town. Can't go with no cash.
12:00 noon. Arrive @ Lambda.
Open my tool box. Remove "Start the day over" tool. Thank you AA.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy
I picked up these guys in Senegal, West Africa
To answer your question, they are 2" statues.
as time continues ...
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
for my Mom's positive attitude which I know comes from acceptance
that I was able to keep my voice from rising to extreme levels yesterday when confronted by a series of "shit happens" (will post about this tomorrow)
to learn more about a friend at the noon Speaker meeting
that I could help a friend get to a doctor appointment yesterday afternoon; in the old days, I would have been too drunk at 2pm to drive
that I don't work for that Mining company in the P.R. department
for a phone call to a non-alcoholic friend with whom I've lost touch; we're getting together for coffee today
to actually sit and watch a football game and see Texas win the National Championship for the first time since 1969
that I'm taking the day off for a mental health day for me
A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.
-Hugh Downs
for my Mom's positive attitude which I know comes from acceptance
that I was able to keep my voice from rising to extreme levels yesterday when confronted by a series of "shit happens" (will post about this tomorrow)
to learn more about a friend at the noon Speaker meeting
that I could help a friend get to a doctor appointment yesterday afternoon; in the old days, I would have been too drunk at 2pm to drive
that I don't work for that Mining company in the P.R. department
for a phone call to a non-alcoholic friend with whom I've lost touch; we're getting together for coffee today
to actually sit and watch a football game and see Texas win the National Championship for the first time since 1969
that I'm taking the day off for a mental health day for me
A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.
-Hugh Downs
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Reality
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
once again, for the concept of restraint of tongue and pen
for Rule # 62 ... Don't take yourself too seriously
that I have rarely gotten in life the consequences that I deserve for the wrong things I have done
that each day, my buttons get a little harder to push as long as I don't keep them lubricated
for the truth of the statement "that we are a group of people who would not ordinarily mix"; in my 2+ years in AA, I have met one person who knew me when I drank, but I didn't remember him
for coffee at Starbuck's with friends
that tomorrow is HNT
NOTHING CHANGES UNTIL IT BECOMES REAL.
once again, for the concept of restraint of tongue and pen
for Rule # 62 ... Don't take yourself too seriously
that I have rarely gotten in life the consequences that I deserve for the wrong things I have done
that each day, my buttons get a little harder to push as long as I don't keep them lubricated
for the truth of the statement "that we are a group of people who would not ordinarily mix"; in my 2+ years in AA, I have met one person who knew me when I drank, but I didn't remember him
for coffee at Starbuck's with friends
that tomorrow is HNT
NOTHING CHANGES UNTIL IT BECOMES REAL.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
The Next Right Thing
My sister is an alcoholic. Untreated.
She's 53 (two years older than I) and has had 3 DUI's. After the last one, about 10 years ago, she got to spend a few months in government provided housing. At the pleasure of the County Sheriff. She no longer drinks and drives, choosing instead to only drink at home and almost always only at night. I don't think she ever gets rip-roaring drunk anymore. That's a good thing.
Having said that ...
Saturday night past, which also happened to be New Year's Eve, Barney died.
Barney was one of her 2 dogs. He was a rather husky, mixed breed terrier. He was 11 1/2 years old.
Sis and her common-law husband were outside on the patio Saturday night at their semi-rural home, watching the neighbors shoot off fireworks. Barney was freaking out over the loud noises and bright lights and wanted to go inside. A little unusual for him; he's never been one to be afraid of anything. So they let him inside and they stayed outside to keep watching the show. A little while later she found Barney dead on the floor in a bedroom. Apparent massive heart attack. He had a good life.
Having said that ...
My sister phoned me Sunday evening to let me know of Barney's death and to tell me she would not be around Monday to visit our Mom in the Nursing Home. She only goes on Monday's and Thursday's because of the long drive. She told me that she was too grief stricken to leave the house.
Having said that ...
My recovery program immediately kicked into action. My first thoughts were to tell her that the very best thing she could do, in her state of mind, would be to go visit Mom; stay on the regular schedule. This would help get Barney's death out of the forefront of her mind. Even if just for a couple of hours, she would be helping another human (her mother) in their time of need. I wanted to tell her that she would never forgive herself if Mom were to die before she made it around for the next visit.
My program also told me to keep my damn mouth shut.
She's 53 (two years older than I) and has had 3 DUI's. After the last one, about 10 years ago, she got to spend a few months in government provided housing. At the pleasure of the County Sheriff. She no longer drinks and drives, choosing instead to only drink at home and almost always only at night. I don't think she ever gets rip-roaring drunk anymore. That's a good thing.
Having said that ...
Saturday night past, which also happened to be New Year's Eve, Barney died.
Barney was one of her 2 dogs. He was a rather husky, mixed breed terrier. He was 11 1/2 years old.Sis and her common-law husband were outside on the patio Saturday night at their semi-rural home, watching the neighbors shoot off fireworks. Barney was freaking out over the loud noises and bright lights and wanted to go inside. A little unusual for him; he's never been one to be afraid of anything. So they let him inside and they stayed outside to keep watching the show. A little while later she found Barney dead on the floor in a bedroom. Apparent massive heart attack. He had a good life.
Having said that ...
My sister phoned me Sunday evening to let me know of Barney's death and to tell me she would not be around Monday to visit our Mom in the Nursing Home. She only goes on Monday's and Thursday's because of the long drive. She told me that she was too grief stricken to leave the house.
Having said that ...
My recovery program immediately kicked into action. My first thoughts were to tell her that the very best thing she could do, in her state of mind, would be to go visit Mom; stay on the regular schedule. This would help get Barney's death out of the forefront of her mind. Even if just for a couple of hours, she would be helping another human (her mother) in their time of need. I wanted to tell her that she would never forgive herself if Mom were to die before she made it around for the next visit.
My program also told me to keep my damn mouth shut.
Entirely Ready ...
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
as a sober and recovering son, I can talk to my Mom very honestly and openly about my recovery and my feelings. I told her the story in the above post and she wrote to me (because she can't speak), "your wisdom amazes me."
that, with the exception of my 32nd year of drinking, I am considered very dependable
that we had a Step 6 meeting yesterday --- I once heard that most recovering alcoholics who relapse, do so because of not working Step 6. This is a constant reminder to remain entirely willing.
that my apprehension of sitting through a loooooong Board meeting last night, was wrong. It lasted 20 minutes, a record for us.
that we, as a Board, passed a new set of By-Laws after nearly 2 years of debate over them
that I have downgraded my severe cold to a nuisance cold
that my 3 cats provide me with so much entertainment
WHILE YOU ARE ASLEEP, YOUR DISEASE IS DOING PUSH-UPS.
as a sober and recovering son, I can talk to my Mom very honestly and openly about my recovery and my feelings. I told her the story in the above post and she wrote to me (because she can't speak), "your wisdom amazes me."
that, with the exception of my 32nd year of drinking, I am considered very dependable
that we had a Step 6 meeting yesterday --- I once heard that most recovering alcoholics who relapse, do so because of not working Step 6. This is a constant reminder to remain entirely willing.
that my apprehension of sitting through a loooooong Board meeting last night, was wrong. It lasted 20 minutes, a record for us.
that we, as a Board, passed a new set of By-Laws after nearly 2 years of debate over them
that I have downgraded my severe cold to a nuisance cold
that my 3 cats provide me with so much entertainment
WHILE YOU ARE ASLEEP, YOUR DISEASE IS DOING PUSH-UPS.
Monday, January 02, 2006
another new beginning
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that I get along with my Mom so well (now that she can't speak) LOL
for an additional 4 weeks for Mom at the nursing center (on Medicare) for her speech therapy
that I made it through another year, relatively unscathed, and wiser
for the beginning of a new year and the miracles I will get to see in the rooms of AA
that I can (and will) keep learning until I quit breathing (ie: my Mom never touched a computer til she was 77, then was soon sending me emails and surfing the net)
that I got to see Jeanie P. yesterday and that she may renew and recharge her AA program (I rarely include names on this list, but I must make this exception)
that I have tried my hardest not to whine and complain about not feeling well (I am usually a pretty "tough" guy except when I'm sick) This is truly new behaviour for me.
that I've actually attempted to take care of myself during this short (hopefully) illness
that the New Years Eve celebration at Lambda was a big success due to the efforts of many alkies
for the Twilight Zone Marathon over the weekend on the Sci-Fi channel
IF IT'S SOMETHING I WANT, IT'S MY WILL.
IF IT'S SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS TO ME, IT'S GOD'S WILL.
that I get along with my Mom so well (now that she can't speak) LOL
for an additional 4 weeks for Mom at the nursing center (on Medicare) for her speech therapy
that I made it through another year, relatively unscathed, and wiser
for the beginning of a new year and the miracles I will get to see in the rooms of AA
that I can (and will) keep learning until I quit breathing (ie: my Mom never touched a computer til she was 77, then was soon sending me emails and surfing the net)
that I got to see Jeanie P. yesterday and that she may renew and recharge her AA program (I rarely include names on this list, but I must make this exception)
that I have tried my hardest not to whine and complain about not feeling well (I am usually a pretty "tough" guy except when I'm sick) This is truly new behaviour for me.
that I've actually attempted to take care of myself during this short (hopefully) illness
that the New Years Eve celebration at Lambda was a big success due to the efforts of many alkies
for the Twilight Zone Marathon over the weekend on the Sci-Fi channel
IF IT'S SOMETHING I WANT, IT'S MY WILL.
IF IT'S SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS TO ME, IT'S GOD'S WILL.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Wish I'd Thought of That
LONDON (Reuters) - If you have an envious streak, you probably shouldn't read this.
Because chances are, Alex Tew, a 21-year-old student from a small town in England, is cleverer than you. And he is proving it by earning a cool million dollars in four months on the Internet.
Selling porn? Dealing prescription drugs? Nope. All he sells are pixels, the tiny dots on the screen that appear when you call up his home page.
He had the brainstorm for his million dollar home page, called, logically enough, MillionDollarHomePage, while lying in bed thinking out how he would pay for university.
The idea: turn his home page into a billboard made up of a million dots, and sell them for a dollar a dot to anyone who wants to put up their logo. A 10 by 10 dot square, roughly the size of a letter of type, costs $100.
He sold a few to his brothers and some friends, and when he had made $1,000, he issued a press release.
That was picked up by the news media, spread around the Internet, and soon advertisers for everything from dating sites to casinos to real estate agents to The Times of London were putting up real cash for pixels, with links to their own sites.
So far they have bought up 911,800 pixels. Tew's home page now looks like an online Times Square, festooned with a multi-colored confetti of ads.
"All the money's kind of sitting in a bank account," Tew told Reuters from his home in Wiltshire, southwest England. "I've treated myself to a car. I've only just passed my driving test so I've bought myself a little black mini."
The site features testimonials from advertisers, some of whom bought spots as a lark, only to discover that they were receiving actual valuable Web hits for a fraction of the cost of traditional Internet advertising.
Meanwhile Tew has had to juggle running the site with his first term at university, where he is studying business.
"It's been quite a difficulty trying to balance going to lectures and doing the site," he said.
But he may not have to study for long. Job offers have been coming in from Internet companies impressed by a young man who managed to figure out an original way to make money online.
"I didn't expect it to happen like that," Tew said. "To have the job offers and approaches from investors -- the whole thing is kind of surreal. I'm still in a state of disbelief."
Because chances are, Alex Tew, a 21-year-old student from a small town in England, is cleverer than you. And he is proving it by earning a cool million dollars in four months on the Internet.
Selling porn? Dealing prescription drugs? Nope. All he sells are pixels, the tiny dots on the screen that appear when you call up his home page.
He had the brainstorm for his million dollar home page, called, logically enough, MillionDollarHomePage, while lying in bed thinking out how he would pay for university.
The idea: turn his home page into a billboard made up of a million dots, and sell them for a dollar a dot to anyone who wants to put up their logo. A 10 by 10 dot square, roughly the size of a letter of type, costs $100.
He sold a few to his brothers and some friends, and when he had made $1,000, he issued a press release.
That was picked up by the news media, spread around the Internet, and soon advertisers for everything from dating sites to casinos to real estate agents to The Times of London were putting up real cash for pixels, with links to their own sites.
So far they have bought up 911,800 pixels. Tew's home page now looks like an online Times Square, festooned with a multi-colored confetti of ads.
"All the money's kind of sitting in a bank account," Tew told Reuters from his home in Wiltshire, southwest England. "I've treated myself to a car. I've only just passed my driving test so I've bought myself a little black mini."
The site features testimonials from advertisers, some of whom bought spots as a lark, only to discover that they were receiving actual valuable Web hits for a fraction of the cost of traditional Internet advertising.
Meanwhile Tew has had to juggle running the site with his first term at university, where he is studying business.
"It's been quite a difficulty trying to balance going to lectures and doing the site," he said.
But he may not have to study for long. Job offers have been coming in from Internet companies impressed by a young man who managed to figure out an original way to make money online.
"I didn't expect it to happen like that," Tew said. "To have the job offers and approaches from investors -- the whole thing is kind of surreal. I'm still in a state of disbelief."
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