"More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it.
The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his senses, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think somone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension -- that makes for more drinking."
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS - page 73
I had read this a number of times before. Then, we read it again in a Big Book study yesterday and it finally registered with me.
It was sooooo me!
Damn! I'm grateful to be a sober person today.