What Was I Thinking?

"We admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable."

This is Step 1 of the Twelve Steps of Alocoholics Anonymous. In AA, we say that it is the only one of the 12 steps that must be done (accepted) completely in order for recovery to happen. If we don't accept that we're powerless, we may well be doomed to repeat our mistakes ie: drinking.

I never had a problem with accepting my powerlessness. It was quite obvious. I accepted that my life had become unmanageable in a number of ways. I've posted about that before.

OK. Fast-forward to my current 2 years of sobriety. Old memories are slowly returning. Awareness of my life and environment is slowly improving. I have a little more clarity each day as I remain sober. Then, yesterday morning, in an AA meeting - BAM!!!

We were talking about drunken blackouts. I was a blackout drinker from the beginning and have talked at length about that. I figure that I had between 5000 and 8000 blackouts during my 13,000+ days of drinking. Unfortunately I didn't keep accurate records for those 32 years.

But not until yesterday did I realize and admit that my blackouts were a major part of the unmanageability of my life! I've gone through over 1/3rd of my adult life without a clue as to what I did or whom I did it with. Not until yesterday did I come to be aware that maybe, just maybe, my life was a bit more unmanageable than I previously thought.

My God!!! What was I thinking?
Keep coming back.